Guidelines for Families

Tips for parents to help their children

Children’s ability to process what happened is influenced by their age and other factors. For age-appropriate resources to assist you and your child, please refer to the age guide in Chapter 1.

Children process traumatic events at their own pace. Be available to discuss the event on more than one occasion, as children’s interest in and questions about what happened will change over time.

Don’t judge one child’s reactions to loss by another’s. Some children will find solace by spending time with friends and relatives; others will prefer to process the event in solitude. Reassure your child that it is normal to experience many different reactions to trauma, including anger, guilt and sadness. Children may also be told that people express their feelings in different
ways. For example, a person may feel sadness without necessarily crying.

Mood changes are to be expected in children following a significant loss or upsetting events. Be aware of and patient with these possible fluctuations in your child’s emotional world.

Encourage children to express and communicate their feelings. Memorial ceremonies and other rituals will be important for some children, while others may feel more comfortable expressing their emotions through art or through connecting with peers.

Help your child to identify constructive ways to express feelings such as anger and sadness. Encourage children to write their thoughts, feelings and experiences in a journal, or to draw pictures of their experiences. This will help provide them with a means to express their feelings.

Talk to children about the different feelings people, including you, may experience after a tragedy. Express your feelings honestly, but do your best to avoid alarming or upsetting your child further.

Find a quiet place and time to speak with your children and be available for any questions. It is often best to start a conversation by finding out what the children already know, and then listening to find out what questions they have. It is okay to say “I don’t know” if your child asks you a question you cannot answer. (See Chapters 7 and 8 for tips on talking to children about terrorism, natural disasters and war.)

Provide children with honest and direct information about what has occurred. To the extent that your child wishes to discuss what happened, engage in open conversations, using language they understand.  When adults avoid discussion of traumatic events, this can convey that the topic is “taboo,” which may ultimately result in increasing a child’s fear and worry.

Allow your children to retain as much of their daily routines as possible during stressful times. By maintaining familiar schedules, children will gradually reestablish feelings of normalcy, and their anxieties about what happened will be significantly reduced.

Organize social events for children and their friends. Social support and friendships are important for recovery. Plan special outings or group events for children and encourage them to call and socialize with their peers.

Encourage children to help out and volunteer. Children tend to recover more quickly from a traumatic
event when they feel they are contributing to others’ recovery. If possible, have them help with clean-up tasks
or reach out to others who may be having a difficult time. Afterward, reward their efforts with fun activities.

Encourage children to take up a new hobby or engage in enjoyable activities. Keeping children engaged in activities will serve as a distraction and help them cope effectively.

Monitor exposure to media coverage, including television, radio and newspapers. Repeated viewing can be distressing, particularly for young children who may believe that the events are reoccurring each time they see them on television. For all children, overexposure can be overwhelming, and may lead to feelings of distress and helplessness. (See Chapter 6 on more information on media exposure.)

Try to remain calm. This will not only show your children that you are still in control, but it will also teach them how to handle stressful situations in a thoughtful way.

Reassure children that they are safe and are being taken care of. Reassurances may need to be repeated frequently, even after the immediate event has passed. Spending extra time together can also be reassuring. Explain how the safety of the community is being helped by governmental and community agencies.

Remember that children who had difficulty before the event, such as emotional problems or exposure to previous trauma, may be particularly vulnerable. If you are concerned about your child, or if emotional and/or behavioral problems persist for more than six weeks, consult with a mental health professional Mental health referrals may be available from pediatricians, schools and religious organizations.

Tips for parents to help themselves

When a disaster or other type of tragedy occurs, parents are often concerned with how to best help their children while they are simultaneously trying to deal with their own shock regarding what happened. Children and adults alike often become scared and confused. Like adults, children are most likely to be worried about their family and significant people in their lives.The following tips may guide parents to help themselves and their children cope after a traumatic event: