Helping Children Develop Healthy Sexual Behavior and Attitudes (page 2)

By — NYU Child Study Center
Updated on Apr 21, 2014

Talking to kids about sexual issues

As a parent, you routinely monitor and provide for your child's physical health. When your child has a fever you don't hesitate to take her temperature every couple of hours. Constant monitoring lets you know how she's feeling and whether or not things are getting better. As your child's sexual educator and counselor, you should utilize a similar approach. You need to check with your child on a regular basis about what she or he is seeing, hearing and wondering about sex. You also need to stay informed about what information the "experts" recommend you should discuss with your children at what ages, as well as be clear about what values and moral messages about sex you will impart to your kids.

Parents need to communicate the right type of information; not just the technical aspects of sexual behavior, but also the guidance necessary for managing peer pressure. The following topics should be part of the discussion.

Masturbation. You're either tolerant or against it. If you're tolerant, make sure that your child understands he/she has your permission to masturbate. More likely than not, your first opportunity to do this will be during a teachable moment - when you find your child stimulating his/her genitals which can be quite typical at about four, five, six years of age. Your response might be, "I see you rubbing your penis/vagina. Does that make you feel good? Mom/dad doesn't mind that you do this, but this is a private behavior that should only be done in your bedroom." The main goals are to give your permission (imparting your values), reinforce the understanding that it is a private behavior, and structure an appropriate way to engage in the behavior. If your child is around 5 or 6, don't be surprised if it takes awhile for him/her to learn the privacy concept. Accomplishing the developmental task of sexual modesty doesn't happen overnight. If your personal or religious beliefs cause you to be against masturbation, think about going easy on your child when you see him or her engage in it. Remember, virtually all kids are going to masturbate whether or not we agree with it. Rejection of this behavior can set the stage for feelings of wrongdoing and guilt. And the feelings of guilt, particularly if they result from religious sanction, can be overwhelming. But if you must say no, try something like, "When I see you masturbate it makes me feel uncomfortable. Our religion tells us we shouldn't do this. I know it feels good when you do it. I can't make you stop, but I hope you'll try." If you're unsure about what is appropriate and are having trouble making up your mind about masturbation, take a trip to the library and learn more about it.

Sexual intercourse and making babies. Most kids up to 8 years of age are content with knowing that a sperm cell from a man, together with an egg cell from a woman, combine to produce new life. Don't worry that they may not have the ability to fully understand the concept of cells, as long as you lay a foundation based on truth. Define a uterus, penis, testicles, and provide a base explanation of sperm and egg, and for the most part young children will accept this in a matter-of-fact way.

ome time after the age of 8, children begin to want to know how sperm meet the egg. This is not to say that younger kids won't ask about this also. Irrespective of whether the child is 6, 7, or 8 years old, there's still basically only one main answer. "The man puts his penis into the woman's vagina, and sperm from his testicles come out." This is also a good time to share your values about this behavior. One might say, "Only adults who love each other very much would do this." Additionally, around the age of 8 or 9, parents can introduce the concept that sexual intercourse can happen for reasons other than making babies. "Adults can also have sex to show that they love each other very much." Feel free to add more factual detail if your child requires it, but do not get into positions, orgasm, etc. They don't need to hear this yet.

Parents must also be alert and knowledgeable about the different ways babies are made. Questions about "test tube" babies or how same-sex partners can be parents may be asked, and parents should be informed enough to provide clear explanations. Periodic discussions about gay or lesbian relationships will go a long way in building tolerance and understanding among children. Parents need to understand that measured discussions about sexual intimacy with our children are necessary. While we need to determine at what age we'll initiate talks about intercourse with our kids, our talks should be in incremental steps. Try to give your child what you think he or she needs at the present time and build from there, piece by piece. But you do need to plan this out in your mind ahead of time.

Oral sex.Oral sex is indeed sex, and our teens need to know this. Although there is scant empirical research on the subject, from an anecdotal standpoint it appears that oral sex is growing in popularity among today's teenagers. I hear about it from kids in our middle schools as well as concerned colleagues. Generally, it is not necessary to address this with kids younger than 10 unless they bring it up. However several years ago, some parents had approached me at school and said their 7 year-old children were wondering about "that lady who kissed the President's private parts." They appeared stunned and unsure what to do. My advice to them was to acknowledge their questions and say something to the effect of, "I've heard about this too on television. As unusual as it might seem, some adults who love each other will do that. We don't talk about this publicly, but I am glad you came to me to ask about it."

For children l0 years and older, this topic should be discussed with respect to its meaning as a significant act of love and commitment. Misinformation must always be addressed. Teens have said "It's not really sex; you can't get pregnant and you can't get HIV." "No, you can't get pregnant, but the other two? Think again."

Love, empathy, respect, trust and commitment.The single most important thing you can do when discussing sex with your child is to incorporate these values into your discussions. When talking with young primary grade elementary school age children about babies, include information about the emotional components of making babies; that would-be parents share very strong, loving feelings and a commitment to each other before having a child. Older elementary school age children may ask about whether mom and dad have sex, and this is a good time to talk about your love for each other and the joint decision to have a baby as an expression of that love. "Two adults should never have sex unless they have love for each other." By the time 5th grade rolls around, any discussion about sex with your child should include concrete examples, whenever possible, about a couple's emotional commitment as a prerequisite to having sex. Take advantage of everyday teaching opportunities. If you're watching a soap opera, and 15 minutes after 2 people have met they're falling all over each other on a couch, tell your 9-year old "You know, I disapprove of their behavior, it doesn't make sense. They don't even know each other, so how do they know they love each other yet? Then continue on with a discussion about the true meaning of love and how relationships and commitment evolve. Learning about these qualities, what they mean, what they represent and how to recognize them takes consider time and effort in working on relationships with different people, even over one's lifetime.

Sexual abuse prevention. Due to factors such as the earlier age at which children become interested in sex and the incidence of sexual abuse, education about appropriate sexual behaviors and boundaries becomes even more important. Prevention of sexual abuse should be done proactively, as part of a larger discussion about such topics as body parts and the boundaries of what is private and what is public. Like learning to cross the street, a child's ability to generalize what he or she learns about abuse prevention to real-life situations will probably take time. As a result, parents should discuss prevention strategies periodically with their kids and should tailor the discussion to fit the age of the child. In addition to discussing how adults can sexually abuse kids, it is equally important to talk with children about kids can abuse other kids. When speaking to 6-year-olds it's helpful to tell them "Sometimes other kids will try to touch your private parts. Sometimes they do it because they're trying to get attention, sometimes to bug you, or sometimes they don't understand that it makes you feel uncomfortable." By 5th grade, continuing with the discussion about how adults and other kids can abuse, begin to weave in an understanding of sexual harassment and taking violence.

Middle schools are awash in all types of harassment. Boys harass girls, girls harass boys, boys harass boys, and girls harass girls. There is also significant harassment of gay, lesbian and transgender students. The adult message is simple: "There is no place for any behavior, words or actions that are unwelcome or unwanted by others. If you're not sure how something you do towards another will be taken, don't do it!" So if your l0-year-daughter tells you about a lewd or sexually inappropriate comment that a classmate said to her, tell her, "I'm glad you told me. We're going to make sure this doesn't go any further. I'll speak with the principal. This boy needs to understand that his words were hurtful and wrong."

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