Helping Your Child Through a Divorce

Divorce is stressful for parents and kids alike. Although reactions will depend on a child's age, temperament, and the circumstances surrounding the split, many kids feel sad, frustrated, angry, and anxious — and it's not uncommon for them to act out because of those feelings.

Fortunately, parents can help their kids during a divorce. By minimizing the tension the situation creates, being patient as everyone adjusts to the new situation, and responding openly and honestly to your kids' concerns, you can help them through this difficult time.

Crucial to a child's ability to get through a divorce is the ability of the divorcing parents to maintain a civil relationship. Conflict between parents — whether they're separated, divorced, or still together — causes major stress for kids that can last well beyond childhood.

Telling Kids About Divorce

As soon as you're certain of your plans, talk to your child about your decision to live apart. Although there's no easy way to break the news, if possible have both parents be there for this conversation. And it's important to leave feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to a child's age, maturity, and temperament, be sure to convey one basic message: What happened is between mom and dad and does not have anything to do with the kids. Most kids will feel they are to blame even after parents have said that they are not. So it's vital for parents to keep providing this reassurance.

Give kids enough information to prepare them for any upcoming changes in their lives. Try to answer their questions as truthfully as possible, in a way that they can understand and process. Remember that kids don't need to know every last detail — they just need to know enough to understand clearly how their lives are going to change.

With younger kids, it's best to keep it simple. You might say something like: "Mom and dad are going to live in different houses so they don't fight so much, but we both love you very much and will try to help you get through this."

Older kids and teens may be more in tune with what parents have been going through, and may have more probing — and difficult — questions about things based on what they've overheard and picked up on from conversations and fights.

Tell kids who are upset about the news that you recognize and care about their feelings and reassure them that all of their upset feelings are perfectly OK and understandable. You might say: "I know this is very upsetting for you. Can we try to think of something that would make you feel better?" or "We both love you and are sorry that mommy and daddy have to live apart."

Not all kids react right away. Let yours know that's OK too, and there will be other times to talk, if they want to. Some kids try to please their parents by acting as if everything is fine, or try to avoid any difficult feelings by denying that they feel any anger or sadness at the news.

Whatever your child's immediate reaction, it's important to provide answers and reassurance about how life will change and what will stay the same. Be ready with answers to these questions, even before they're asked:

• Who will I live with? Where will I go to school?
• Will I move?
• Where will mom live and where will dad live?
• Will I still get to see my friends?
• Will I have to go to a different school?
• Can I still go to camp this summer?
• Can I still do my favorite activities?

Try to be honest when addressing your child's concerns and provide reassurance that the family will get through this, even though it may take some time.

Helping Kids Cope

Divorce brings numerous changes and a very real sense of loss. Many kids — and parents — grieve the loss of the kind of family they had hoped for, and children especially miss the presence of a parent and the family life they had. That's why it's common and very natural for some kids to hold out hope that their parents will someday get back together — even after the finality of divorce has been explained to them. Mourning the loss of a family is normal, but over time both you and your child will come to accept the new situation. So reassure kids that it's OK for them to wish that mom and dad will reunite, but also explain the finality of your decisions.