How to Take a Breath and Raise a Kid With Confidence and Heart

Introduction

People say often that parenting is like joining the Peace Corps; it is the toughest job you’ll ever love. However, sometimes it can be hard to love a job that can be filled with so much uncertainty. Am I doing a good job? Is my child okay? Why does my child seem angry, anxious, or scared? What can I realistically expect from my child at this age? How do I get my child to listen to me?

The main thing to remember is to take a deep breath and realize that you are on a path and that we all stumble along the way. The most important thing that you can give your child is you.

Floor Time

Beginning at any age you can set time aside every day to do whatever he or she likes to do. Dr. Stanley Greenspan, a child psychiatrist coined the term “floor time” which means, at least with young kids, that you literally get down on the floor to play together. Here is how it works:

Let your child choose the activity, direct what happens, and tell you what to do. Your role is to follow your child's lead and actively participate without taking charge. If your child is a little older, you can play a board game, garden, or even cook together. As long as this is time designated for you and your child.

Acknowledge Feelings

When your child is feeling sad, angry, or scared the best gift you can give him is to acknowledge his feelings. This way he can know that it is okay to feel this way and to trust his own experience.

Talk About the Behavior, Not the Person and Describe the Problem

Children take what we say very seriously which is why when we are feeling displeased it is useful to separate out the behavior from the person. For example, saying, “I see a sink full of dirty dishes and food left out to spoil.” expresses your displeasure and gives the child information at the same time. It is much more likely to elicit a helpful response than, “This kitchen is a mess, you are so sloppy!”

Problem Solve Together

Many children respond well to being part of the solution. If you feel that something needs to change around the house (for example, too much dawdling in the morning, needing help with the dishes, or agreeing on an acceptable bedtime) you can find a solution together.

Problem Solving Steps

1. Sit down with your child and present the situation that has to change.
2. List possible solutions together.
3. Write all suggestions down even if some of them seem a little silly.
4. After the list is complete read it over together.
5. Pick the solutions that seem practical to both of you.
6. You can even post the list on the fridge so it can be referred to when needed.

Children are more inclined to follow a plan that they had a hand in creating. When you refer to the list it reduces power struggles since this is a list that you made together.

Notes to Kids

Kids love to get little messages from their grown-ups. Whether you are trying to change a behavior: 

            “Dear Robbie, 
             Don’t forget to walk our pet Chet! 
                                              Love, Mom”

or make someone feel special. 

            “Dear Abbie, 
            Today at school, you really rule!”

A well-placed note is something tangible from you that shows you care.