Learning to Be a Father: How Do We Do It?

Overview

Learning to be a good father is not for wimps. It takes time, energy, interest, and responsibility. Most of all, it takes you loving your child. When raising a child, no two days are the same, each day brings new questions and new challenges. It often leaves us asking ourselves: "Where and how do we learn to become a good father?"

The bad news is there's no manual to teach us how to be good dads. (No, they didn't forget to hand it to you before you brought your baby home.) Where is the information? Were we out of the room when it was all explained? We know the new mother gets help, by talking to her mother, friends, or professionals about breast feeding, changing diapers, or what to expect in caring for her infant. Not much of this education was directed at us-despite the fact that it is just as important for the child to have a father learn to be a good dad as it is for the mother to learn to be a good mom.

Why is it important?

It's important for fathers to learn about parenting because dads play unique roles in their child's life. Research shows that children who grow up with fathers who stay involved in their lives tend to enjoy all kinds of benefits:

• better school performance,

   

• less trouble with the law,

   

• better jobs and careers, and

   

• better relationships with others.¹

   

Until recently, it has been hard to get good information on becoming a good father. The following are the traditional ways we have learned to be fathers.

Watching our Fathers

If our dad was involved in raising us, or even if he wasn't, many of us recall this and imitate much of what he did. We may recall how he taught us to swing a bat, do long division, to tell the truth, or to pick someone up after they fall down. Sometimes, when we scold, lecture, or praise our own child, we may find ourselves sounding a lot like him.

Our own fathers are one of the strongest influences on how we raise our own children. Through our connections with our fathers, we build a sense of identity for the family. And we may pass on family traditions, values, and opinions that continue for generations.

Today, times have changed and so have the roles of fathers in families. And we may find that we want to do things differently from our fathers. This attitude is normal and healthy: it's important to add your own values and your own traditions to your family.

TV, Movies, and Media

If you've watched any episodes of Father Knows Best, The Cosby Show, Home Improvement or The George Lopez Show, you may have picked up some ideas for how fathers stay involved in their families. In less than 30 minutes, these TV "fathers" seem to solve problems-serious ones and not so serious ones. These TV "dads" are accessible, communicate well with their children, and always seem to work it out in the end. Television shows and films such as Roseanne, The Bernie Mac Show, and Bringing Down the House have shown fathers dealing with serious issues: drug use, sexual behavior, separation, and divorce. Sometimes, we even see fathers portrayed in the media who don't cope well or who drop out.