Learning to Live Through Loss: For Teens Facing Loss

If you are like most teens, your experience with death and loss has been has been limited to music, movies, and TV. You understand death, but it may not have seemed real--until now. This fact sheet will give you information about what you can expect as you grieve the loss of someone you love.

What You Can Expect in Yourself

Intense emotions are a normal part of grief. You may feel confused, helpless, angry, sad, lonely, afraid, and guilty. Sometimes you may wish you were just a child again. You may find yourself on an emotional roller coaster for the next year or so. There will be intense hurtling down into an abyss, a slow climb to the top, a moment of calm, then another unexpected plunge.

You may wonder, "Will I ever feel okay again? Am I going crazy?" Yes, you will feel okay again, but it takes a while. Strong feelings are a good sign that you are healing from the pain of your loss. People heal when they allow themselves to feel the pain grief brings.

Many people, like you, have trouble expressing these feelings. Such strong emotions make us all feel out of control, vulnerable, even scared. But expressing your feelings is essential to start healing. Hiding from your feelings is denial, and it is unhealthy. So is expressing nothing but anger. When denial or anger crowd out any other feelings, this leads to greater depression and more pain.

Give yourself permission to face your loss and allow emotions to heal. It is okay to cry. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to mourn the loss of all you looked forward to with the person and the dreams you had together.

If you lost a family member, you may be feeling extra guilt. Many people are a little rebellious or withdrawn. Now you may regret some of your behavior before the death or feel you are somehow responsible. You are not responsible; you did not cause the death. But be aware that these circumstances can make mourning more difficult and grief more painful. Allow yourself longer to recover, and find someone to talk with.

If you survived an accident where someone died or the person committed suicide, understand that "survivor's guilt" is normal. Part of you may feel guilty that you didn't die when someone else did. Dealing with survivor's guilt takes extra time and support to sort out all the feelings.

Things That Will Help You Recover

• Understand what is happening or has happened; find out the facts about the death and about the mourning process.

   

• Express your emotions and mourn your loss. Find ways that suit your personality.

   

• If you have difficulty crying in front of others, try taking a shower. You can cry in a shower; no one sees, hears, or can tell by your face later.

   

• Commemorate your loss formally or informally. Perhaps you can participate in the memorial service by reading a poem or helping plan the service. Or you can write a letter to the deceased and place it in the coffin, or release it in a balloon.

   

• Find friends and trusted adults who can give you emotional support. Share your experience with others. Safe relationships help you work out your feelings.

   

• Seek occasional solitude; it is important to reflect, feel and recover.

   

• Communicate with your family; honest discussions usually bring support, empathy, and healing.

   

• Learn how to go on with your life.