Off to College? Enter Here: The Changing Parent/Child Relationship

Margo E. Bane Woodacre and Steffany Bane, the mother-daughter authors of Doors Open from Both Sides, provide alternating viewpoints and tips for parents and their college-bound student as they enter a new phase of their parent/child relationship.  

Life is full of transitions. Some are painful, some bring happiness, but all involve a change from "life as it was." Passing through these transitions can be likened to opening new doors in life. Sometimes, though, fear of the unknown can accompany us as we open the new door. For families, a significant life transition can occur at the stage when their young-adult child leaves home for college. The new experiences and pressures in this phase of family life can challenge the relationship between parents and child.  

We, as mother and daughter, learned much from our own struggles to preserve what had been a happy, communicative and somewhat serene relationship. We found that other families at the same stage were going through similar experiences and decided to learn more. This led to our research and then the book, Doors Open from Both Sides, which is aimed at helping families navigate this eventful time of life. In our own case, we realized that what was an unaccustomed struggle to understand each other in our changing roles, eventually led to a stronger, more communicative relationship for us as adults. Doors opened to a renewed happiness in our lives.  

The following suggestions are drawn from our book, with the hope that they will help new college students and their families keep their doors open to one another as they experience the various challenges of the off-to-college transition.  

Busy Life through the Senior Year

The Revolving Door

Entering and going through the senior year in high school is like navigating a revolving door: Attention needs to be focused on making a good exit. For parent and child, the senior year is full of activities that focus on the student's future. Paper work for college applications and decisions about school selection will add to the pressures of the school year. Along with these responsibilities for families come the excitement and fears of "What's next?" It is during this time that challenging emotions begin to surface for family members and parent/child relationships can be tested.  

Mom's Tips for Parents:

• Through the whole process, be patient and help keep the family lines of communication open. New anxieties about the future can cause unfamiliar emotions to erupt and tempers to flair. Understand that your child is subconsciously trying to learn to "let go" as, indeed, you are. As parents, openly, but tactfully, communicate any concerns to your child and encourage him/her to do the same with you. You can still set some boundaries, but demonstrate growing trust in your young adult and give him/her independent space and responsibility. When (and if) he/she shares, listen to her/him, practice patience in responding and keep the lines of communication open.
• As his/her high-school experience comes to an end, understand the importance of friends to your child. As the college departure approaches, seniors will probably want to spend more time with good friends. There is comfort for them in bonding and sharing their anticipation of the next step with one another. Devise ways to give them space and time to be together.
• Plan meaningful family time together. Too quickly, your college-bound child will be out the door. Make time for and enjoy special moments together. If circumstances permit, plan a family summer vacation, a long weekend or a special outing before the college move. Make sure the event is one in which both the parents and the young adult will be interested.
• Anticipate the emotions of the eventual send-off. For all involved, the departure can be an emotional one that sometimes can create serious feelings of anxiety, loss and fears of the unknown.
• Before the send-off, develop agreement on mutual expectations about grades and financial matters. Having a shared understanding of these matters before the child leaves for school can help avoid misunderstandings and challenges during the student's first semester.

Steff's Tips for Students:

• Know that your parents will probably get on your nerves. Through this exciting, yet challenging, transition, try to be patient with your parents. Trust me, those who have been through it understand the sometimes overwhelming feelings that the senior year provokes. The last thing you want is your parent breathing down your neck about deadlines and "friendly reminders" (or sometimes not-so-friendly). Believe it or not, they are as excited as you are. Sometimes, they will express themselves in an "annoying" way, but know that they mean well, and do not take offense. Rather, recognize that through their experience of life, they can actually have great suggestions that will be helpful.
• You will feel a need to spend much of your time with your friends. You are about to leave them as you head off to college. Enjoy their company while you can. If you explain this priority to your parents, they might better understand, as long as it doesn't interfere with other responsibilities.
• Keep in mind that along with you, your parents might be feeling uneasy about the forthcoming separation. Find ways to spend quality time with your family, when possible. Whether it is shopping with Mom for school, attending events with Dad, celebrating special occasions, or going on a summer vacation--enjoy being together. Believe me, you will miss your family once you leave home.
• If you are feeling unusually emotional or troubled about leaving home, communicate these feelings. Leaving the comforts of home, friends and familiar surroundings is not easy. Whether it is in a private conversation with your parent, relative or best friend, it helps to express your feelings. Almost always, you will be understood and validated.

Freshman Year--Communication with Sensitivity

The Screen Door

A screen door allows for an open view, while at the same time affording a degree of privacy. Similarly, communication between parents and their child away at school should have openness in expressing viewpoints but, at the same time, demonstrate mutual respect for privacy. For both parent and child, the changes in the environment will necessitate extra effort to maintain positive and supportive relationships.