Parent/Child Communication

Why is it so hard sometimes to talk to your children?

It is tough sometimes. But that is because people don't take communication seriously. Good communication skills are truly an art form. You have to approach the other person carefully with respect and a sense of fair play. Poor communication skills increase conflict. Practicing good communication skills is the same as keeping oil in your car engine -- it helps everything run smoothly and efficiently.

So how do we develop this "communication art?"

First, you have to decide that communication is a priority. Then listen to yourself to get an idea of your own personal style -- think about what you say and how you say it. Make sure that you take every opportunity you have to talk positively to your child. Compliment him; tell her how much you enjoyed something she said or did. Watch for those moments, because it's easy to let them slide by. Then you will build the foundation for the more difficult negotiations later on.

How do you handle the situation when you can see an argument developing, and nothing you say to your child seems to help?

If it gets too emotional, postpone the argument so you can both cool off. Agree to a definite time you will finish the discussion. Then make it a discussion - not an argument. Use "I" messages, where you focus on your feelings and your concerns. Sometimes you can try a technique called, "starting over." When an ordinary conversation begins to get uncomfortable, stop for a minute, acknowledge that the conversation is going nowhere, and ask your child if he or she would like to "start over." Hug and go on to another subject. It's a great way to diffuse non-productive arguments.

How can children convince their parents they need to communicate better? Do you have a test?

They should give their parents a grade (satisfactory OR needs improvement) on the following skills:

• Are the parents good listeners?
• Are the parents patient?
• Are the parents fair and consistent?
• Do the parents say exactly what is expected of you?
• Do the parents give clear reasons for rules?
• Are the parents available to talk and do things with you?

If your parents score a "needs improvement" on any of the questions listed above, there are several things you can do to improve the communication link:

• Tell your parents how you want to them to talk to you.
• Struggle to be patient with your parents.
• Try to understand what is really important to them.
• Be honest! If you are caught, admit it.

Be willing to compromise in some way.

For more information on parent/child communication, call 553-3000 or toll-free (877) 553-3001 or email info@heartlandfamilyservice.org