Parenting Children with Health Issues

So, it shouldn't be too surprising when I tell you that it was in the Disney movie Finding Nemo that I saw a great metaphor of what it is like to live with kids with chronic illnesses. You see, both of our children have cystic fibrosis so I know what it's like. And, like the clown fish dad on Nemo (named Marlin) I have journeyed from the place of over-protective and "worried about everything" to "still worried about everything but handling it a lot better."

I suppose there is always room for improvement in most everything in life, especially parenting. The problem with parenting is that we may not realize how much improvement we really need until it's too late (ie: my teenagers become hellions and I wonder what happened). The problem with parenting kids with chronic illnesses is that "too late" doesn't mean just a dented car or some experimentation with booze or sex- it can mean the difference between life and death. The stakes can be so very high!

The struggle to resist the powerful parental impulses to rescue, hover and over-protect are played out in Finding Nemo. The paradox is that it is in letting go of the intense need for protection that actually gives a child the freedom to become a hero and to unlock the greatness of spirit inherent within those who have learned to cope well with suffering. Just like Nemo!

We begin Nemo's story with a happy little fish couple embarking one of life's greatest adventures- having children. Then, tragically, the mommy fish and all eggs but one get eaten by a bigger fish. Here, the real story begins with Nemo and his dad "picking up the pieces" of the initial trauma. To make it all the more poignant, Nemo is born with a deformed, or "lucky" fin. So, here we have initial trauma and physical disability- a perfect recipe to create an over- protective, hovering parent who is understandably oozing with concern for his son's welfare. He limits, rescues, protects and controls Nemo; his expectations are low for Nemo's ability (due to his disability); and he does not trustNemo. He is worried about every detail in Nemo's fishy little life. In fact, Dad's life completely revolves around Nemo. Sound familiar?

The first big event in Nemo's life is his decision to rebel against his father's controlling, over-protective nature. No surprise, there. Nemo has no choice but to exert his independence in way that opposes his dad because he has never had the freedom to make any decisions for himself. So, he defiantly touches a boat just to prove to dad, friends, and himself that he can do it. And, in doing so (if you haven't seen the movie), he gets swept up by a scuba per and appears destined to become a part of a fish collection in a dental aquarium.

How many kids with chronic illnesses have no choice but to rebel against parental authority by refusing to comply with medical requirements? Children, just like adults, have a strong need for control. Wise parents share the control by giving their children lots of choices. For example, a parent might say, "Would you like to do your breathing treatment before or after your homework?" or "Will you be doing your insulin shot in five minutes or ten minutes?" or "Do you plan to take your pills with juice or milk?" A lifetime of small choices creates a savings account of shared control that can be "cashed in" when it's time for the big choices of life- like whether or not to live.

The movie now becomes the story of a parent struggling to let go, learning to trust and accept and, as a result, the child becoming more than either had ever dreamed possible. As Nemo starts to make his own way around the aquarium, he gets stuck in a filter. Immediately, the other fish around him leap to pull him out. But, Gil, the seasoned old master, stops them and forces Nemo to rescue himself. Nemo says (in panic), "Can you help me?" Gil responds calmly, "No, You got yourself in there, you can get yourself out." No rescue, no over-protection. Gil proceeds to tell him how to do it, gives him encouragement and high expectations and Nemo gets unstuck all by himself. Now, Nemo is proud. He can do it! Effective parents do not hover, rescue and protect (Helicopter Parents). They don't demand or command (Drill Sergeant Parents). Instead, they are Consultant Parents. They help the child identify the problem and provide empathy and support. They set appropriately high expectations, they ask good questions and encourage the child to find their own solutions to their problems.

The climax of the movie brings us to the re-uniting of father and son after Nemo finds his own way out of the aquarium and back into the ocean. When first re-united, Dad immediately adopts his old attitude of over-protection and control. However, Nemo's compassionate spirit will not allow his father to stop him from rescuing the many fish caught in a gil net which was about to be brought to the surface of the water. Now, Nemo has the opportunity to become a hero. His Dad has no choice but to let him go and to trust. In doing so, Nemo is able to release the hero that was bottled up inside by his father's control, over-protection and rescue. By freeing that hero and courageously rising to the occasion, Nemo changes the lives of those around him.

I think that deep down inside the soul of every child who suffers with chronic illness is that same hero just bursting to come out. As parents, we can encourage our children to become a hero, someone who faces life courageously and joyfully in the face of adversity and suffering. In doing this, we also become a hero- both to our child and to others around us. In modeling this, we teach our children how to release that hero inside themselves. It is not an easy journey, but a worthwhile one. Just ask Nemo. And his Dad.

This material is from the book Parenting Children with Health Issues: Essential Tools, Tips and Tactics for Raising Kids with Chronic Illness, Medical Conditions and Special Healthcare Needs by Foster W. Cline, M.D and Lisa C. Greene. Dr. Cline is a well-known child psychiatrist, author, and co-founder of the popular Love and Logic parenting program. Lisa is the mother of two children with cystic fibrosis and a parent coach. For more information, visit www.ParentingChildrenWithHealthIssues.com.