Planning for Summer or Holiday Custody

Are you a non-custodial parent who will once again become a full-time Mom or Dad during a summer vacation or holiday season? Are you looking forward to the experience?. . . Facing it with anxiety? . . . Or more likely, feeling a little of both? We at BANANAS are here to help you as best we can. You can call us to find out about short-term child care, to see if that good Saturday night babysitter you once used is still available or just to talk about how hard it is to limber up your daily parenting skills after not using them for awhile. Many parents like you call us with these and other concerns. Here are some suggestions that we hope will be helpful:

Begin early . . . Not just in looking for that “perfect” child care program for your child but in sorting out your own feelings about the coming visit. Pre-arrival emotional preparation is just as important as arranging the practical aspects. It’s wonderful to see anyone we love after a separation but it can also be a stressful time. Whatever fantasies your child has built up about you and vice versa will have to be adjusted to reality.

Communicate with the other parent. Try to reach some kind of agreement on the details of the visit – how long it will be, who will pay for what, etc. Also, try to find out, if you don’t already know, significant “things” which have happened to your child since your last visit together.

Talk to your child, either in person (if possible), or by telephone or letter. Discuss with your child what was “good” or what was “bad” when you were last with each other. Or, if this is the first such visit for you, you may want to discuss expectations you each have about the visit ahead. This is a good time to clarify with your child what is and isn’t going to happen: “No, we won’t be able to go to Yosemite again this summer, but we will take some short camping trips.” “I can’t take off work the whole time you will be here, but I will have my two-week vacation to spend with you.”

Remember that being apart can sometimes distort reality. A telephone call with a child (no matter the age) is not always reliable. You don’t know what’s really happening on a day-to-day basis or in the long run and it’s hard to judge at a distance. In addition, you don’t know who’s listening to the conversation (which can affect responses) or whether it’s even a good time to talk. Don’t be disappointed if your child doesn’t sound totally thrilled about the visit when you first talk. It’s only natural that a child might be reluctant to leave his/her other parent, friends and “usual” environment (room, bed, toys). Unless such visits are already a long established and accepted part of a child’s life, s/he may be worried or frightened about what is ahead. If your relationship with the other parent is unsettled, your child may be carrying that burden. Letting your child know that you have some apprehension may help the child understand his/her own mixed feelings about the upcoming visit. But, again, don’t be disappointed if your child doesn’t immediately tell you all these feelings. It takes time (and actually being with you awhile) before some children feel ready to speak freely.