Practical Tips for Lesbian and Gay Parents Raising Teenagers

No doubt adolescence is tough. And for teens growing-up in lesbian and gay households, it can be even tougher. Nevertheless, lesbian and gay parents who are aware of the particular challenges their teens are likely to face can respond with a set of interventions that are meaningful as they are practical. Delivered thoughtfully, these focused actions can help lesbian and gay parents ease the stress of a sometimes burdensome period of family life.

Lesbian and gay parents can expect that their teens will face some challenging issues related to their entry into adolescence. They might also expect the possibility of their teens encountering the social stigmas often associated with children who are raised within non-traditional families. Therefore, setting a foundation of sound preparation, support and instruction can enable lesbian and gay parents to increase positive developmental outcomes for their adolescent sons and daughters.

Adolescence: A Time for Questioning

Who am I? Do I fit in? Will someone else love me besides my parents? Can I make it on my own? Am I straight or gay? These are just a few of the questions many teenagers will pose to themselves and others during the adolescent time of their lives. Discovering the answers to these questions is, in the simplest of terms, the winning goal every teenager must score before moving on to a fully integrated adult life.

In fact, every teenager is uniquely positioned to respond to various issues of personal growth and development. Adolescence is the very time for this. The following is a list of generally accepted principles of adolescence; identifiable tasks created to help explain what it is a teenager must address during this stage of their personal development: 

• To achieve a new level of closeness and trust with peers, 
• To gain independence from parents and to develop a new status within the family,
• To develop a sense of personal identity,
• To address issues of sexuality,
• To acquire a set of values and ethics to guide behavior, and
• To move toward autonomy in the world.

Accomplishment of these monumental tasks settles upon the teenager’s development of an unwavering sense of identity, a stable sense of who they are in relationship to the rest of the world. Once they accomplish this, they are better equipped to begin addressing what will be the responsibilities and freedoms of their adult lives.

Fear of Social Stigma

For the teen being raised by lesbian or gay parents, this process may be complicated by a fear of discrimination brought about by social stigma. Although the body of research on the psychological well-being of children raised by lesbian and gay parents is favorable (it reports no notable differences between children raised by lesbian and gay parents and those raised by heterosexuals), some teens within this group choose to hide, delay or selectively disclose the details of their family’s gender characteristics.  While doing so may elicit some temporary gain, such as allowing the teenager an adequate amount of time to “come out” to peers, it also suggests that some teens raised by lesbian and gay parents are struggling with coming out to peers about their families, on the one hand, and avoiding discrimination on the other.

How can lesbian and gay parents help their teenagers resolve this conflict? That is the question. Simply put, lesbian and gay parents can help by educating themselves about the number of practical tools available to them to counteract the effects of homophobia and discrimination. For example, the following table includes several things I recommend to parents who are worried about their child being teased about having “two mommies” or “two daddies.” These interventions were adapted from research studies on lesbian and gay parenting, and from my own clinical experience working with lesbian and gay families. Together, I refer to them as the “Tasks of Adolescence for Queer Parents.” They are simply practical ways that lesbian and gay parents can proactively guide their teenagers through the complexities of adolescence.