A Pregnant Pause?

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of attending a wonderful dinner to celebrate the 10th anniversary of The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. The event celebrated a decade of the Campaign’s existence, and marked the dawning of a new goal. Over the last decade or so, the teen birth rate has declined by a third, and the Campaign set their goal to reduce the teen birth rate by another third by 2015. Indeed this is a wise goal, for despite the decline, the United States still has one of the highest teen birth rates in the developed world.

The next morning, however, I read a new report that just over half of the nation’s teens (ages 15-19) have had oral sex, and that nearly 1 in 4 who have not had sexual intercourse report that they have had oral sex. Other recent reports state that middle school children are now engaging in oral sex at greater levels than the 15-19 year olds surveyed in the new report. In fact, in a recent NBC/People survey, 43% of young teens (13-16) stated that oral sex is not as big a deal as intercourse. Linda Perlstein, author of “Not Much, Just Chillin’: The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers,” recently stated that the level of open sexuality “pervades the lives of middle schoolers in a way it didn’t 12 years ago.” I began to wonder if the decline in teen pregnancy could end up being merely a pause in the teen pregnancy rate.

Sexual contact tends to progress over time. I’m not sure what “base” oral sex is on the “baseball diamond,” but I am sure that if you get your first “hit” when you’re 13 years old, it might be difficult to resist your hormones later on when they’re “waving you home.”

The increase in open sexuality among young teens strongly suggests that in order to continue the reduction of teen pregnancy, we must reduce teen sex of all types.

Fathers are in a unique position to help their children negotiate their hormones; social science data suggests that children with involved fathers are not only much less likely to become teen parents, but also less likely to engage in early sex. Unfortunately, not enough fathers are involved in the sexual lives of their children, and many fathers aren’t sure about what to say to their children. Here are some suggestions:

Don’t Confuse Hypocrisy with Growth

Fathers may feel reluctant to discuss sex with their kids because they are haunted by their past. They may have engaged in sexual activity as a teen or preteen, and think it would be hypocritical for them to enforce a standard that they did not meet. Remember, hypocrisy is telling your kid to not do something that you are still doing. Growth is telling your kid to avoid something harmful that you once did.

Invest Early and Often

If you are a father of young children, start establishing a relationship with open and honest communication. Make sure that you are a good and active listener, because when you are, your children are much more likely to talk to you. Remember that good fathering is not about having all the right answers, but about having the right questions. Building this type of relationship with your kids will be invaluable when sexual topics—or activities— need to be addressed.

Remember the “AC Model”

Point out to your teens and preteens the fact that all actions (A) have consequences (C). Most teenagers tend to have flawed thinking about which thing they can control—they think theycan control the consequences (C). In reality, they have total control of their actions (A), but they have no control over the consequences of their actions (C). They should know that it’s wisest to spend their time up front, controlling their actions and impulses. Moreover, teenagers tend to grossly underestimate the likelihood of bad consequences, which are especially dangerous when it comes to sexual activity. Teens may believe that oral sex is not “real sex” and therefore has no sexual consequences. However, oral sex has been linked to sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.

Don’t Do “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”

It’s vitally important that you ask specific and direct questions about what your kids are doing sexually. It may be a bit embarrassing, but it is necessary. Brace yourself for what you may hear. You may find out that your “little princess” is doing things with her “prince” that you didn’t expect. Remember, the first step toward changing this behavior is getting it out in the open, establishing trust and communication.

Go Deep

Sex has physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual dimensions, and for teens and preteens, it also has physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual risks. Unfortunately, too much of the discussion about teen sex focuses solely on the physical dimensions and risks. It may sound strange, but knowing why they are sexually involved may be more important than knowing what they are doing, especially if you are trying to permanently change their behavior. Acting out sexually could be a symptom of something deeper.

Wait for What?

Over the last four decades, our culture has effectively delinked sex from marriage. If you watch the TV shows frequented by preteens and teens, the only people not having “good” sex are the married folks! In addition, too many sex education programs tell teens to wait until they are “ready” before they have sex. But many teens think they are ready for things—smoking, driving, drinking—when they really aren’t. I strongly urge dads to take a stand and tell their children to wait for marriage to have sex instead of waiting until they are “ready.” There is no question that this is the safest choice, and moreover, married folks report having the best sex lives. It may be a difficult thing to do. After all, it’s difficult to get teens to abstain from drinking, drinking and driving, smoking, violence, drugs, dropping out of school, etc. But if we’re trying to get them to abstain from these things, why not sexual activity?

To see all of the National Fatherhood Initiative's quarterly newsletters, go to https://www.fatherhood.org/ftnewsletter.asp.

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