Resistance: What to do About the Endless No's

What you can do

Offer choices. "Twos, twos — everything comes in twos these days!" groans John Raeside, father of 2-year-old Abby. You'll be tired of it too, before this phase is over — but offering a limited choice is absolutely the best way of avoiding a showdown with your child. "Do you want to wear the white shoes or the red shoes today?" "Do you want juice or milk?" "Okay, time to choose! Do you want to put away your blocks or your stuffed animals?" Two choices are enough at this stage, and this technique can be used for everything from getting dressed to solving playdate disputes: "Do you want to play nicely with Timmy, or do you want to play by yourself?"

Counting sometimes works with an indecisive 2-year-old: "I'm going to count to ten and then you choose, or I'll choose for you." Chances are your child will make up his mind pretty quickly once you start the countdown. Be careful to use this technique only as a last resort, though, because it loses its power if you use it too often.

Offer the appearance of options. To make this work, you have to keep two important facts in your mind: You know more than your child does, and virtually everything can be turned into a choice. Say, "Do you want to get out of the car now or play for two minutes and then get out of the car?" Either way, he gets out of the car. Or say, "Do you want to put your sweater on frontward or backward?" And since you both know he's not going to put his sweater on backward, what you're doing here is using humor to break the tension (and yes, if he calls your bluff, you have to let him wear it backward). Either way, he thinks he has a choice.

Teach your child other responses. One of the reasons 2-year-olds say "no" so much is they don't know very many words. Help your child expand his vocabulary by turning "no" into a game: "What's the opposite of 'no'?" (That one's easy.) "What comes in between 'no' and 'yes'?" (Maybe, perhaps, and possibly.) "What's a nicer way to say 'no'?" ("No, thank you." If your child's very verbal, try, "No, thank you very much, I couldn't possibly.")

You can make a "no" response less automatic (and maybe even get a "yes!") if you set up a situation in advance with a silly question: "What would a bird say if you said, 'Mr. Bird, would you like a worm?'" When your child responds with, "Yes!" you follow up with: "And what would you say if I asked you if you'd like a hamburger?" With any luck, by this point he'll be giggling too much to rebuff the hamburger.

Use "no" sparingly. Your child might be spouting "no"s in part because he constantly hears the word directed at him. If that's the case, try to cut back on your own use of the word and use alternatives to "no" whenever possible. One tactic is to replace the word with other phrases more specific to the situation at hand, like "It's not safe to play on the stairs, let's play with your blocks instead," "We don't hit the kitty," or "Use your indoor voice, please."

Stand your ground. There will be times when, despite your best efforts to avoid or distract, you end up in a showdown with your 2-year-old. If your child stops in the middle of the street and refuses to move, for example, you'll move him, and quickly. But safety concerns aren't the only reason to be firm. "A 2-year-old has a will — but he can't always be exerting it all over the place," says developmental psychologist Denham. "It's just too messy."

It's perfectly appropriate at times to say "This is not a time when I can give you a choice. There's no choosing now. I know that you don't like this, and I'm sorry, but this is the way it's going to be." You might even pull rank: "I'm the mommy, that's why." 

Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board

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