School Violence, Bullies & Managing Conflict

Your child deserves to have a school environment that's free of bullying. Some parents feel children must learn to deal with bullies on their own, and learn to "stand up for themselves." We've heard parents say they don't want their boys to grow up to be "wimps." Be wary of this attitude. Imagine yourself being at work in a similar situation of harassment. You would hope, and rightly expect, that the people in charge would come to your aid. Your children deserve no less respect and protection from you. Girls can be just as brutal as boys, but it's harder for teachers, parents and principals to pick up on the relationship type of bullying so common in girl groups. "Go work it out," they'll say, or “Just ignore her,” or “Play with someone else, then.” They don’t realize what's happening, that it can be playground-wide. They don’t understand how helpless and scared a student can feel, and they don’t get that the issue or the conflict was brought about deliberately in order to hurt. Girls who are bullied are oftentimes on their own.

Strong and self-confident children don't push each other around; nor do they become strong and confident from being pushed around. Help your child in the same way you would expect to be helped.

Common factors in incidents of school violence. Nowadays, school shootings are a real worry. Children who drop out of school, or who pick up a gun and start shooting often seem to be the children who get picked on, teased, and ostracized. We don't mean to lessen their responsibility, but we should understand that their fear, despair and rage isn't born overnight. Teach your children to be kind to others who don't seem to fit in. Teach them to be sympathetic and helpful. Also make sure that if your child hears someone threaten other classmates, or sees suspicious behavior, they know to take it seriously and tell an adult.

And if your child is the one who gets picked on, make sure you're involved, aware and supportive. Try to boost your child's self-esteem (in part, perhaps, by getting the child involved in activities in which he or she excels). Get your child some counseling to learn how to deal with others. Talk to teachers and administrators -- even other students. Teasing and bullying may be a part of life, but that doesn't mean your child should have to deal with it alone. Your child needs and deserves your protection.

Additionally, a January 2001 study in Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine found that reducing children's time spent watching television or playing video games might make them less aggressive - both verbally and physically - with classmates.

Teach your child how to communicate. So many people think it's shameful to speak up and be heard, or that being forthright is a bad thing. But when people don't learn how to say what they want, they can become manipulative or aggressive in order to be heard.

So keep in touch with your child's daily challenges. Ask open-ended questions and listen carefully to the responses. Teach your child how to speak up in an honest and forthright manner, how to listen, how to argue properly. Good communication skills will go a long way toward preventing your child from becoming -- or being the victim of -- a bully. And of course, the best way to teach your child is to set a good example.

We've heard parents say their children need classes in managing aggression or in self-control. That might be true, but chances are good that if a child has a problem communicating, so does the parent. If you don't have these skills yourself, check your local communities or educational facilities for classes in communication. See the Safer Child Communication page for more. Sometimes what a child most needs is the self-esteem that allows them to throw off taunting or teasing, and view it as immaterial to their sense of themselves. It's a hard thing to do, however, even for adults. So if this is the best path for a child, the adults will definitely need to be involved and supportive.

Consider Self-Defense Lessons. We at Safer Child are all for communication, negotiation, compromise, and mediation...but sometimes none of that works. There are several reasons for a child to learn some form of martial arts or other self-defense skills. Children might learn self-discipline, gain an inner strength, and build a more confident presence that negates the need to push others around. Children can also gain an inner calm, self-esteem and a more confident presence that's enough to tell someone who bullies: "This child is not to be messed with."