In Search of Civility

Much has been made recently about the lack of manners in today's American society. According to an ABC News poll an overwhelming majority-73 percent-of Americans say most people's manners are worse today than 20 or 30 years ago.

Most often kids are seen by adults as the worst offenders. Public Agenda's survey probing "What Americans Really Think about the Next Generation" reported that Americans describe teens and children using words such as "lazy" and "irresponsible," and "disrespectful," few saying it is very common to find young people who are friendly or respectful. They say one of the biggest problems today is that young people are "failing to learn values such as honesty, respect, and responsibility." Indeed, fewer than half of adults say the next generation will make America a better place!

Who do people blame for this general deterioration? More than eight in ten respondents to the ABC News poll (including adults with children in their households) say this is the result of the failure of parents to instruct their children in good behavior. Public Agenda respondents agreed. Fewer than one in four said it is common to find parents who are good role models and nearly half said the difficulties facing kids today are the result of irresponsible parents who fail to do their jobs.

What's a parent to do? We may agree that we need to do a better job of teaching manners. We may be frustrated ourselves about our children's lack of interest in common courtesy toward others. But there are so many more important issues we parents need to address (such as academic performance, substance abuse, delinquent behavior, sexual activity) and so little time that it's difficult as a parent to make a conscious decision to focus on something so seemingly benign as manners.

Yet if we can step back and lower our defenses we can readily recognize that the essentials of common courtesy-self respect, respect for others, personal responsibility, good judgment, decision making, conflict management, compassion, integrity-are the foundation blocks related to the other behavior-related issues that seem to loom so much larger than manners.

These are generally familiar traits. The Boy Scout Law identifies them as being: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent. Character Counts focuses on: trustworthiness (honesty, integrity, promise-keeping, loyalty), respect for others, responsibility (accountability, excellence, self-restraint), fairness, caring, citizenship.
Whatever terms are used, these are the traits most parents long to see in our children, as well in society around us. These are the very characteristics the ABC and Public Agenda's respondents found lacking.

So, tackling day-to-day manners are a logical, tangible, manageable way to not only restore civility but also to ultimately affect those larger issues that emerge as our children grow into adolescence, teen years and young adulthood.

Here are some basics for parents in the search for civility: