Separating from Infants and Toddlers

Separating from our loved ones is a lifelong process. If you think of separation in the broadest terms, it begins at birth and ends at death. In a more limited way, it happens every day as we say good-bye to various members of our family when we or they go to work, school, child care or the corner store.

While each family handles these daily separations in its own way, the act of leaving our very youngest children in the care of another is what seems to cause the most stress. Adjusting to such a separation may challenge individual parents in different ways. Separating will also be a different process with each individual child in a family or with each child care provider along the way. The sadness or anxiety caused by initial separations can resurface as children grow older and can be triggered by many different kinds of situations, such as travel, illness or the birth of a sibling.

Separation Can Be Extremely Hard For Working Parents

Many working parents who grew up in the 1950’s and 60’s came from families in which the mother worked in the home, and for many the belief still lingers that that’s where mothers belong. In addition, the workplace has not yet adapted to the needs of working families. Many mothers strive to be good employees while remaining “old fashioned moms” – doing all things for everyone. The situation can cause a tremendous amount of guilt, stress and feelings of inadequacy as a parent. If you choose to work, or have no choice but to work, you will need to find ways to keep these feelings at a manageable level.

Separation as Growth Opportunity

Despite the stresses separations can cause, there are ways to ease the “pain” and turn this process into an opportunity. It can be a time for parents to examine their fears, beliefs and goals and to reaffirm their love and attachment to their children. For children, mastering separation at an early age can lay the foundation to meet this and other challenges with trust and confidence throughout life. We hope that some of the following suggestions work for you as your child enters the world of child care.

Know Yourself, Know Your Child

Being a parent is hard work. As parents, we try to make the best decisions we can for our children and it is important for us to be as clear as possible about these parenting choices. That’s why we need to spend time thinking about the past, the present and the future before planning for our children.

Think about your answers to some very important statements:

When I was a child, I thought my parent(s) worked/stayed home because...
I was taken care of by...
I thought this person was...
When my parent left me, I felt...
I work because...
If I didn’t have to work, I would...
Before I had a child, I thought I would...
When I look for child care, I want my child to be...
I want child care which is...
I want my child’s caregiver to...
When I’m away from my child, I feel...

Also, think about your child.

My child’s temperament is...
When my child is away from me, s/he reacts by...
My child likes to do these activities...
My child handles transitions by...
My child likes people who...
My child is comforted by...
My child sleeps best when...
My child eats well when...

Stay in touch with your feelings and think about how your child will react to separating from you. This is the first step to take when you decide to leave your little one with a caregiver in or outside your home. This selfexamination may bring a number of issues and anxieties to the surface. Most parents have some of the following concerns:

Will my baby love the provider more than me? and “Will my baby be loved?”

Experience and research show that babies become deeply attached to their parents. The sadness that you and your baby experience when separating is evidence of that deep love. But babies can also respond with affection to others as long as their basic needs are met. This ability to “attach” to others does not dilute the affection they feel towards you. Just as babies can expand the circle of important people in their lives, child care providers can become very attached to their small charges in ways that do not interfere with the children’s relationships with their parents.

Will my child be damaged in some way because child care is bad for children?

Child care can be a rich and rewarding experience for a child. Babies growing up with mom at home in a nuclear family are now the exception, not the norm, and in most cultures, other people in addition to parents assist in rearing children. For “only” or firstborn children, child care can provide those missing sibling experiences which help a child learn to give and take. A number of studies have clearly demonstrated that quality child care does not in any way harm children and is, in fact, beneficial.