Stress of Our Lives: Resolving Family Conflicts

Conflict-you'll find it everywhere from the corporate world to the garden club. Whenever two people come into contact, the potential for conflict arises. It is a normal part of human interaction.

This lesson will help you:

• Understand the nature of conflict;
• Identify your style of dealing with conflict; and
• Learn about a process that can help you effectively resolve conflicts with others.

To prepare for this lesson, take a few minutes and:

• Jot down words that come to mind when you think about conflict; and

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• Identify the feelings you can recall about conflict situations you have experienced.

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A Closer Look at Conflict

Simply defined, conflict is a struggle over values and claims to scarce status, power, or resources. Conflict arises when two people have different values or needs and it appears that satisfying one person's needs will thwart the needs of the other (example: Do you use this money on a new car or household improvements?). Money may be the scarce resource behind this dilemma, but differing values may be at the source of the conflict.

Take a look at the words that came to mind when you thought about the word "conflict." Were most of them negative?

A common belief about conflict is that it should be avoided. It is uncomfortable. Have you ever considered that conflicts can have some positive benefits?

The Benefits of Conflict

Conflicts are a fact of life to be dealt with, not a sign of failure. They can provide an opportunity for new learning and an improved relationship. Here are some ways conflict can have positive effects:

• Confrontation in a conflict can lead to change;
• Being aware of conflicts can increase your motivation to do well;
• Conflicts increase awareness of problems that need to be solved;
• Conflicts make life more interesting;
• Disagreement often causes a decision to be thought through more carefully;
• Conflicts help you understand what you are like under pressure;
• Minor conflicts can defuse potentially large ones; and
• Conflicts can be fun if they're not taken too seriously.

While it is not suggested that you go out and look for conflicts, it is important to note that a conflict can provide you with some new directions and opportunities. The question is, can you capitalize on the positives and make conflict work for you?

Yours, Mine, and Ours

The matter of who owns what can be a major source of conflict in families. There are three categories to examine:

• Possessions-This category refers to material objects around the home. Possessions are either shared or individually owned.

• Territory-This refers to space and goes beyond the strictly material aspect of possessions. It can refer to land as well as to living and work space. Territory can be owned by individuals, shared with the group, or owned by the public at large.

• Time-This is one resource that everyone has the same amount of. People choose to apportion time among work, leisure, and other pursuits.

The above resources can be owned in three ways:

• Yours (unavailable to me);
• Mine (exclusively); and
• Ours (shared).

Making assumptions about ownership without discussion can lead to major battles. Families may find the following exercise helpful in establishing what the rules are, who owns what, what can be borrowed, and what people would rather not share. A frank discussion among all the family might hold a few surprises.

Yours, Mine, and Ours Activity

This activity is designed to be used with all family members. Each person should complete the following form individually. Then get together and discuss the responses.

Ownership

In discussion, pay particular attention to what the others have written in their Mine column.

Here's how one family member completed this form:

Ownership

Differing Values - A Major Source of Conflict

When two people have different values and beliefs, they may choose different goals or different methods to achieve the same goals. Since each goal requires an investment of time, effort, and some sacrifice, one goal cannot be pursued without sacrificing the other to some extent. When one person perceives a block to achieving his or her goal, conflict occurs.

Recognizing differences in values can bring about an understanding of why certain areas or issues create conflict. The following exercise is designed to help you and your family understand each other a bit better. It is not designed to have you clarify these further for goal-setting purposes, but rather to explore more deeply the values each of you holds. This exercise will be most effective if all family members can complete it individually, then share as a group.

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