Talking With Your Child's Teacher About a Sexual Issue

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of Advocates for Youth.

There is more talk about sexuality issues in school than occurs in sex education classes. Teachers and kids alike commonly discuss what happens every day in hallways and classrooms. As a parent, you want your child's teacher to be trained in how to respond appropriately to questions and concerns during formal lessons or to students' comments and conversations overheard in hallways and during breaks. So then, what if your child begins to tell you about her/his day at school, and the word "sex" comes up?

"Your teacher said WHAT about sex?" Listen carefully to your child, and then ask for clarification. "I didn't understand. Jenny said what? And then the teacher said what?" Now, what do you do? (Pick the appropriate answer.)

1. Discuss the subject with your child.
2. Call the teacher.
3. Call the principal.
4. All of the above.

The correct answer may be D—all of the above. But first, start by having a conversation with your child. If you feel that you need more information to help clarify the context, then you might decide to call the teacher. Finally, you may wish to call the principal to compliment the teacher's handling, both of the discussion at school and the response to you.

Perhaps all you need to do is listen to your child's version and give some simple affirmation. You might say, "I'm so glad you told me about this. Isn't it nice that we can talk about anything?" During the next week you might create moments when the two of you chat and you share some of your family's beliefs about sexuality. It may be time for a new book for you and your child.

Since we communicate about sexuality issues directly and indirectly almost all of the time, it is not surprising that the subject would come up at school. In fact many parents hope that teachers will take teachable moments to teach the kids a fact or reinforce a value, or to allow them to practice communication skills, and then to explain exactly why the current situation requires a classroom discussion. Sometimes, people—young and old—hear the word "sex" and that is all they hear. It is very important to let kids know that health knowledge—including sexuality—has value in precisely the same way as knowledge about math, sciences, and languages, and that sexuality is worthy of both planned lessons and spontaneous discussions.

What is different about sexual knowledge is that our culture has a history of repressing, not only facts, but also discussion about the facts. Some parents want to be the first, and sometimes the only, source of information and values about sexuality issues. However, when children watch television, play with other children, and attend school, they receive sexuality-related information from all these sources. Thus, more often than not, parents are not a child's first and only source of information about sexuality and sexual health.

While we hope that schools are addressing sex education as a normal part of the school experience, when should you call the teacher about a sexuality related issue? If you think the teacher would appreciate knowing what your child said about the classroom conversation, then by all means, call. Teachers often find immediate feedback helpful. This may be especially true when sexuality is the topic. Or, you might feel concern about what your child reported for a number of reasons. For example, your child's story of the day may sound as though a student, or even the teacher, told a "dirty" joke. Perhaps the teacher explained a sexual situation that your child didn't understand. You may want to call the teacher so that you can get a clearer picture of what actually happened. Just remember that, with any situation, a number of things happen—what actually occurred or what someone actually said, what your child thought he/she said, what your child remembered about the incident later, and what you thought your child said in telling you the story. So, stay cool, and ask the teacher what happened in a nonjudgmental manner.

Teachers fear repercussions from doing their best. It happens all too often that teachers and principals cancel an educational experience or backtrack during a meeting because they worry that a parent is going to be unreasonable. Many educators and administrators can remember past conflicts that took over our lives and caused us personal and professional embarrassment. Please remember to thank the teacher for doing his/her best to answer questions and to deal appropriately in school with a sensitive topic such as sexuality.

Keep in mind when you talk with a teacher for the first time that your main goal is information. Was the source of your concern a comment that you believe the teacher made? Was it a concern about the lessons? Just ask the teacher to tell you about it. For example, you might simply want to find out the name of the program and the philosophy on which the sexuality education classes are based. Is the program an abstinence-only until marriage type? Or is it what we call comprehensive sex education, providing information about both abstinence and contraception, including condoms? Comprehensive sex education begins with the belief that human sexuality is a lifelong process, intricately integrated with other aspects of life. For example, gender and gender identity are an integral aspect of sexuality and are also intricately enmeshed with who we are and how we see ourselves in the world. Thus, it is important to approach sexuality as positive and manageable, an integral part of each person's life experience. Young people's questions should be welcomed and answered appropriately.

If you decide to talk with your child's teacher, here are a few pointers on how to make sure that it goes smoothly: