Talking to Children about Tough Times

Many families are faced with financial concerns that are causing changes in how the family lives. Some families are facing unemployment or job layoffs, some are caught in the middle of the business downsizing trend, others were dealt a disaster due to weather-related problems that reduced their income, and still others are faced with the possibility of losing their business, farm and/or home.

Making changes isn't easy for adults or for children. People become used to a certain lifestyle or quality of life and rarely think about the potential for it to end. It's human nature to resist and fear changes that approach when income is reduced or lifestyle or location must change. Adults often try to keep these difficulties from children, hoping that they either won't really notice or that they will not be bothered or affected by it. The adults become so absorbed in the difficulties that they forget the rest of the family might be in pain also. As an adult, it just seems to be the natural thing to do.

What About the Children?

Whenever major life changes happen to a family, everyone in the family is affected in some way, and some are affected more than others. Keep in mind that a family is a system with many parts that affect one another. For example, think of the family as a mobile on a baby crib. If you pull one of the objects on the mobile, the entire mobile will shift or dance. Each part is affected by what happens to one part but at varying degrees. So it is with families. Each person is affected differently by the impact of a reduced income or changed lifestyle.

The way change affects each family member depends on their age and ability to understand the seriousness of the situation, their personality and how they cope with distressing news, and the severity of the change. When adults keep information from their children, they open the door for mixed messages, confusion and tension. Kids are able to pick up on the tension and stress that the adults are experiencing. They know something is wrong, even though they may not know what it is. They may think that they are somehow to blame. Children may hear you say things are fine, but see the distress in your face, hear it in the tone of your voice, and experience it in your lack of patience with them and others. Parents should admit their concerns to their children and stress their abilities to cope with the situation.

In most cases, it is best to be honest and open with your children about what is happening to you and the family. However, it may not be necessary to share information in less important situations and for the very young child (age 0-3). Express feelings in simple words and reassure your child that you are in charge of the problem and they are not. Think about your options carefully and make a decision you can live with.

What To Say

What should you do? What can you say? How much should you tell children? How do you explain? Most adults feel badly about what is happening and guilty that they are unable to provide the same level of care for their family. This is a natural and expected reaction to bad news. Take time to reflect on your situation -- you are not in control of things such as weather and downsizing of a business. Once you have resolved yourself to the need for change, begin to think about the real message you want to send your children. Some of the points to consider: