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Temper Tantrums: How to Deal With a Meltdown

NYU Child Study Center
Updated on Oct 20, 2010

It's the rare parent who hasn't had to deal with a tired, cranky, whiny, screaming toddler in the midst of a meltdown. Sometimes it even occurs in a public place, thereby exposing the quality parenting to the world at large. The truth of the matter is that temper tantrums are normal and typical between the ages of two and four. To get some advice about how to react to temper tantrums and why they occur, AOK talked with Dr. Richard Gallagher, Director of the Parenting Institute at the NYU Child Study Center.

Why do temper tantrums happen at these ages?

Very young kids aren't very good at modulating their emotions; they don't have the same control as older kids. As two-to-four-year-olds try to make sense of the world things don't always go their way, and a tantrum is one way to express frustration. Tantrums are common at this time as children are learning to use language, and although kids of two to four understand a great deal of what they hear, they can't always use language to express their needs or their feelings. Two-to-four-year-olds are also trying out ways of establishing their sense of competence, insisting "I can do it myself," and when this turns out not to be true, a tantrum may result. Finally, children in this age range are trying many different actions to solve the problems that they encounter. Temper outbursts at times may simply be a means to resolve a situation from the child's perspective. If adults react in certain ways, sometimes the temper tantrum works.

Do older kids ever have tantrums?

Older children often show temper outbursts too. In fits of anger older children will sometimes use tantrums to get their way or to express their anger while intentionally causing distress in the person that has made them frustrated. The protests of school-aged children, the talking back of preteens, and the mini-strikes after storming off shown by teenagers can all be forms of temper tantrums.

What can parents do in the middle of a meltdown?

Here are three steps to follow:

  1. Stay cool. Acknowledge the child's emotions (frustrated, bored, tired) without a long discussion and say something like "Tell me in your own words what's bothering you, and let's try to work it out" or "I know you're frustrated and want to leave, but I would like for you to wait a few more minutes." This sounds overly simple, but it's important to let the child know you're willing to work this out reasonably, what your expectation is, and you want them to do. For young kids, always have some form of distraction available to get them off the tantrum track. If the child calms down when you request it, provide the child a treat that may be a surprise, like a toy in your pocket or purse that he didn't know you brought along.
  2. Step two is hard, but don't reward the tantrum with a lot of attention beyond the matter-of-fact approach in step one. Obviously, you don't want the child to learn that this is a good way to impress you. Scolding or shouting back simply won't work, although you may feel like having a tantrum yourself. Remember, parents are models of appropriate behavior.
  3. Third, sometimes you simply have to leave. If the mayhem started because she wants something in a store and you've said "no," ignore the tantrum completely. Prepare to be embarrassed; it's worth it—giving in validates the behavior. Realize that you can't always persevere, and that's OK.
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Reprinted with the permission of the NYU Child Study Center. © NYU Child Study Center.

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