Temper Tantrums: How to Deal With a Meltdown

Why do temper tantrums happen at these ages?

Very young kids aren't very good at modulating their emotions; they don't have the same control as older kids. As two-to-four-year-olds try to make sense of the world things don't always go their way, and a tantrum is one way to express frustration. Tantrums are common at this time as children are learning to use language, and although kids of two to four understand a great deal of what they hear, they can't always use language to express their needs or their feelings. Two-to-four-year-olds are also trying out ways of establishing their sense of competence, insisting "I can do it myself," and when this turns out not to be true, a tantrum may result. Finally, children in this age range are trying many different actions to solve the problems that they encounter. Temper outbursts at times may simply be a means to resolve a situation from the child's perspective. If adults react in certain ways, sometimes the temper tantrum works.

Do older kids ever have tantrums?

Older children often show temper outbursts too. In fits of anger older children will sometimes use tantrums to get their way or to express their anger while intentionally causing distress in the person that has made them frustrated. The protests of school-aged children, the talking back of preteens, and the mini-strikes after storming off shown by teenagers can all be forms of temper tantrums.

What can parents do in the middle of a meltdown?

Here are three steps to follow:

How can a tantrum be avoided?

Tantrums are a sign of frustration that a child can't do something comfortably. Know what your child's tolerance level is and try not to push him beyond what he's capable of doing. Tolerance levels vary; he may be able to handle a situation one day and not the next. Try to identify the situations that trigger tantrums and change them.

Remember to reward good behavior: "You were so good today when we had to stand in line at the post office." Think about whether your child may be acting up because he's not getting enough attention; even negative attention is better than none.

Give the child some control over small decisions, so that she can feel she can make a choice. Offer choices such as "Do you want us to read your book before you put your pajamas on or after?"

Give the child a warning before the end of an activity, which gives him a chance to readjust.

After everyone has calmed down and things are back to normal, be sure to share a hug.

If tantrums are more frequent than about once a week and don't lessen as the child grows older, you may want to consider seeking professional advice.

Recommended books

Rimm, Sylvia (1996) Dr. Sylvia Rimm's Smart Parenting: How to Raise a Happy, Achieving Child, Crown Publishing.

Peters, Ruth (1999) It's Never Too Soon To Discipline. St, Martin's Press.

Phelan, Thomas (2003) 1,2,3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. Parentmagic, Inc.

Phelan, Thomas (1998) Surviving Your Adolescents. Parentmagic, Inc.

Wolf, Anthony (2002) Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated, Farrar, Straus, & Giroux

About the NYU Child Study Center

The New York University Child Study Center is dedicated to increasing the awareness of child and adolescent psychiatric disorders and improving the research necessary to advance the prevention, identification, and treatment of these disorders on a national scale. The Center offers expert psychiatric services for children, adolescents, young adults, and families with emphasis on early diagnosis and intervention. The Center's mission is to bridge the gap between science and practice, integrating the finest research with patient care and state-of-the-art training utilizing the resources of the New York University School of Medicine. The Child Study Center was founded in 1997 and established as the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry within the NYU School of Medicine in 2006. For more information, please call us at (212) 263-6622 or visit us at www.AboutOurKids.org.