Embracing Transitions

"I feel badly about this, but sometimes I hesitate to really get down and play with my daughter, because when I have to stop playing and tend to the baby, she gets so upset. How can I keep from hurting her feelings?" — a mother of a baby and a 4 year old

It’s healthy and often necessary for parents to say, "OK, now I need to fix dinner, so I need to stop playing with you now." We have many tasks to juggle, and we often have to stop playing with our children, end their play with each other, or move them toward a new activity before they're ready to make a change. Some children are able to be pretty flexible with these transitions, and other children protest every single change that is directed by their parents. Wherever your child is on this continuum right now, there are a few ideas that may help you navigate these transitions.

Children Thrive on Fun and Connection

Our children clearly thrive on the moments we are "just with them," and moments when their play is just the way they want it. I like to remind parents that when children say "I don't want to stop," that this is good! It's great that your child is passionate about playing with you, or having things just the way he wants them. It is healthy for him to never want the fun to stop! He will likely have enough humdrum experiences later in his life--now is the time for as much sparkle and connection as possible. Having fun helps keep children eager to learn and make good friends.

Children Benefit from Information

When you need to change what's happening, it's important to talk with your child about it. It's never too early in a child's life to begin letting them know what's next. "In a couple of minutes, I'm going to start your bath, because it's getting close to bedtime" is information that is as helpful to a 3-month old as it is to a 5 year old. Getting into the habit of offering information to a very young child helps build a trusting relationship in which he wants to hear what you have to say. When children protest at transition time, they are often telling you that they feel disregarded. Consistently giving information to children, together with a little time to help the information sink in, helps prevent some of the balking and power struggles that develop around transitions.

Children Flourish with a Tone of Optimism

A tone that carries friendliness, optimism and the understanding that there will be good times ahead makes it more likely that a transition will go well. Although no parent can pull this off all the time, having a tone of optimism can help children feel close enough to their parent to cooperate with a necessary transition, even if it wasn't their idea.

Instead of Orders, Offer Warmth

"Lunchtime, get in here right now, you two!" doesn't make a child want to come anywhere near his parent! "You two are having such a good time! Lunch is on the table, and after you eat, you can go back and play some more!" carries the kind of warmth that orders simply can't communicate. Children gravitate toward the warmth of their parents, and will more easily gravitate toward you when you can think to welcome them to the next activity.