Working It Out: Learning to Negotiate with Your Teenager

Checkpoints for Successful Negotiation

• Communicate clearly
• Respect the other person
• Recognize and clearly define the problem
• Seek solutions from a variety of sources
• Collaborate to reach a mutual solution
• Be reliable
• Preserve the relationship

Negotiation is a Process

Negotiation is one of several ways to resolve conflict. It can be used when parent and teenager have taken a position on an issue. Negotiation is the process by which conflict can be resolved so that both parent and teenager feel like they have achieved a solution.

Problem-solving negotiation is:

• Listening and understanding
• Having concern for the relationship
• Satisfying the interests of both sides
• Inventing new options
• Reaching an agreement based on fairness.

Common areas for negotiation with teenagers are:

• Money
• Grades
• Transportation
• Recreation
• Convenience
• Clothing
• Chores
• Social manners

Topics included in negotiation are chosen based on a child's skill level and maturity level. The frequency of negotiation increases as a child grows older. During late adolescence almost all rules may be negotiated, with the parent maintaining a few rules that won't be negotiated. The teen is trying to break the walls to independence and may push against some of these rules.

Communication is Key

The key to effective negotiation is clear communication. Communication involves three important skills: speaking, listening and understanding. Negotiation doesn't work using just one of these skills. For example, you can't have good understanding without good listening and speaking. Negotiation is most effective when both parent and teenager are able to clearly identify and discuss their sources of disagreement and misunderstanding.

When you assume that you know what someone is going to say before he says it, you increase the chances of misunderstanding what he really does say.

Effective negotiation is a two-way process that encourages both sides to participate in making decisions. It also provides a way for parent and teenager to learn to understand each other better and to grow in their relationship. Negotiation helps create a healthy balance between giving and getting. Everyone becomes a winner through negotiation.

Rethink the Conflict

Rethink is one good way to remember how to approach conflict and to begin negotiating.

R -- Recognize when you're angry. Learn to help yourself relax.

Rethink it:

What are my body's anger signals? Do I experience increased heart rate, muscle tension, upset stomach, headache? What other feelings am I having that my anger may be hiding? Do I feel hurt, stressed, embarrassed, scared?

What can I do to help myself cool down?

Rethink it:

• Step back and take a deep breath before reacting.
• Tell yourself things like, "It's OK. Take it easy. I can handle this."
• Count to 10.
• If necessary, take a break, walk away, listen to music, chill out in your own way, then deal with things.

E -- Explain the situation from the other person's point of view; empathize.