Working It Out: Learning to Negotiate with Your Teenager (continued)

Parent rethinks it:

What is my teenager thinking? Feeling?
When I was a teenager, did I ever feel that way?
If I was in my teenager's shoes, how would I react?
What else might be going on in his/her life that may be contributing to the problem?

Teen rethinks it:

What is my parent thinking? Feeling?
If I was a parent, how would I feel?
What would I do if I was a parent in this situation?
What else is happening in Mom's or Dad's life that makes this problem difficult?

T -- Think about how you may be contributing to the problem.

Rethink it:

Can I look at this situation in a different way? Can I find some humor in it?
What am I thinking about when I'm angry? Are my thoughts feeding my anger?
What else is happening in my life that might be contributing to the problem?
Is this a battle worth fighting, or should I let this one slide?

H -- Hear, really hear, what the other person is saying. Listen to the feelings as well as the words.

Rethink it:

How can I be sure I understand how the other person feels and show that I do?

• Give the person your full attention, lean forward, make eye contact and don't interrupt.
• Test how well you understand the other person's point of view by putting his/her ideas into your own words, asking questions as necessary.
• Listen for the emotions, not just the thoughts. Say, "I can tell you feel..."

I -- Include "I" statements. Use sentences that begin with "I feel... when..." to explain how you feel.

Rethink it:

How might stating my feelings help a situation?
How would a sentence that starts with "You..." make someone feel?

N -- Negotiate to try to work things out to everyone's satisfaction.

Rethink it:

Have I considered how I may have helped create the problem? What might I do to help fix things?
What can I reasonably ask of the other person to help the situation?
How can I figure out a solution or compromise?

Steps of negotiation:

• Explain your position as calmly and simply as possible.
• Listen, and be sure you understand the other person's point of view.
• Don't make demands, lecture or bring up old grudges.
• Suggest and discuss some options you can both live with.
• If all else fails, take a break or agree to disagree.

K -- Show kindness even when expressing anger. You can get something off your chest without trying to hurt the other person.

Rethink it:

Can I say something positive about the person or the situation along with my negative feelings?
Is my tone of voice calm?
Am I avoiding sarcasm and put-downs?
Can I use a sense of humor to lighten a tense moment?
Am I keeping in mind any outside issues that may be affecting how we're both feeling?
Am I focusing my comments on the problem and not the person?

What Parents Need to Know to Negotiate with a Teenager

Place and time considerations

The negotiation process will be most effective when both parent and teenager take time to think through what they will say. When possible, plan ahead to meet at a place and time convenient to everyone. A quiet, neutral spot where there are few distractions or interruptions is best for open discussion.