A Few Thoughts on Being a Parent

Lesson One: Punishment is Very Popular With Parents, But It Doesn't Work in the Long Run

How many of us have grounded the youth for six weeks “until he gets his grades up”? Did it work? Could you stand having a moping, whining, complaining youth confined in the same house where you live for forty-two days and fortytwo nights? Didn’t you make exceptions to the grounding….just to have some peace and quiet? And what about sending your daughter to her room until she “calms down” only to have walls to repair, mirrors to replace or have to take a quick trip to the Emergency Room to get stitches and an X-ray of her swollen knuckles? So did that punishment work? (By the way, I think that when most parents use the term “consequences” (like “If you don’t clean your room, there will be consequences.”) they really, really mean “punishments.” (“If you don’t clean your room, there will be punishments.”)

Punishments don’t work because kids usually find a way to “get even” with the person who imposes the chastisement. In physics there is a law that states: For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. I think this law holds true when parents impose punishment. One way or another kids find a way to get back at parents’ punishment with an opposite and equal reaction.

So what does work? I mean parents can’t just let the kids run wild. There has to be some way to establish and encourage family norms and acceptable behavior so everyone can live in the same house together without open or guerrilla warfare.

My sons taught me the importance of family meetings. These family meetings were the forums where we openly addressed problems and together hammered out solutions. We tried to negotiate differences. And, although we never achieved perfection, things were a whole lot better when we all came together and everyone tried to find a solution that would work out.

Not that everyone always got what they wanted entirely, but we tried to come up with solutions that everyone could at least live with.

The rule was: OK we choose to look for a solution to this problem, a solution where you won’t get hurt, I won’t get hurt and it (the solution) is not against the law. That frame of mind leaves a wide, wide range of possibilities. We got into problems when someone thought that they were “right” and that everyone else must cave in. But we eventually learned that it was better for
everyone in the family when we all settled ourselves down, took everyone’s desires seriously and looked for a mutually acceptable solution.

Lesson Two: Life in the Family Goes Better When Family Members Treat Each Other Like They Do Their Friends

My sons taught me that having a strong, positive relationship between parents and children makes life down on the farm (or in
the apartment) go a whole lot more smoothly.

How did we try to treat each other? We tried to treat each other the way we would treat our friends. That means we would respect the opinions of each other and not nitpick or fight for the “last word.”

The sons taught me that things go much better when we do things together…..things that they and I enjoy doing together. (I even
learned to like Ozzie before he was on television.) Treating family members like friends meant we all had to give a little to get a little.

I learned that if I wanted to be respected, I had better first show my sons respect. (I mean, how were they to learn how to respect
someone if their parents didn’t model the behavior by respecting them first?)

Family relationships are strengthened when family members spend time doing enjoyable, satisfying things together….maybe even going to a concert together (don’t forget your earplugs). Or working in the yard, or the kitchen together.

A strong relationship involves forgiveness (we learned to accept the fact that no one—even Dad— is perfect). A relationship is
strengthened when both parents and children are willing to struggle together through the bad times (as well as the good times) without nagging, complaining, arguing or playing the “get-back” game.

Lesson Three: There Is No Such Thing As “Constructive Criticism”

Criticism is criticism and that’s all there is to it. Any kind of criticism hurts the person who is criticized. Criticism will destroy the relationship between the person who criticizes and the person who is criticized. For example, play this piece of “constructive criticism” over in your mind. What do you really hear the parent saying?

“Bill, I’m proud of you. You didn’t fail a thing this marking period, and you brought every one of your grades up from last time. BUT I think you could do better if you tried harder.”

Dad is trying to be “constructive” with his “criticism.” But it just doesn’t work. Bill has the gut reaction that Dad is getting on down to what he really wants to say ... right after the “BUT.”

“Your room looks fine, but aren’t those dirty clothes over there in the corner?” My sons taught me that so called “constructive criticism” hurts and will put relationships in a vulnerable position.

So what’s the alternative to “constructive criticism?” My sons helped me to learn how not to criticize them and instead to ask a
special type of question which would help them to “self-evaluate” their own behaviors.

Instead of telling Bill that he could do better if he studied harder, a question which will help Bill to selfevaluate his own behavior is usually more beneficial and useful.

“Bill I’m proud of you. You didn’t fail a thing this marking period and you brought every one of your grades up from the last time. Are you satisfied with your grades? How would you rate your accomplishments?” By asking the last two questions, I’m asking Bill to “self-evaluate” his work. By using questions that helped my sons to self-evaluate their own behaviors, I avoided a lot of arguments.

Lesson Four: A Parent Usually Has Very Little Success in Trying to Force a Child to do Something He/She Doesn't Want to Do

It took me a while to learn this lesson. I thought that spelling words should be studied, rooms should be clean, toys are to be put away and no one is to eat in the television room. I thought that children should always obey their parents. (As the parent, I had forgotten what I did when I was a kid.)

Pressuring the child to do something that s/he doesn’t want to do will oft times result in resentment, power struggles, pay backs and general family brawls.

So what’s a parent to do? I learned about the power of negotiation, compromise, working out mutually satisfying solutions to problems and asking self-evaluations questions.

Lesson Five: Anger Destroys Family Relationships

My angry thoughts and deeds usually resulted in arguments, blaming, criticizing, people becoming defensive, nagging and
complaining. No one won; each person was a loser. I learned that there were many good ways to get my sons’ attention, and
that anger was not one of them. And it was clear that anger and punishing seem to go hand in hand with usually the same results. I learned to say what I had to say without being angry and nasty; and I found out that the calmer I was, the calmer they were.

So how did my sons teach me these lessons?

*I had to become a good student. I learned to listen and hear what they were saying.
*I had to admit that I wasn’t always right and that I had lots of shortcomings as a parent and a person.
*And I had to learn that if we were to live together as a family, we had to work together as a family (with lots of give and take)
to achieve the results we wanted.