Parenting Solutions: Arguing

The Change to Parent For

Your child can express his opinion and concerns without bickering and is able to resolve conflicts so everyone is satisfied.

Question: "My son is constantly bickering and quarreling with the neighborhood kids. What can I do to help him learn to solve his own problems without me having to step in and referee? Right now he just runs to me and expects me to solve the problem."

Answer: Although it's tempting to step in and play negotiator, if you want your child to stop arguing and learn to solve his problems, then you must step back. Start by teaching him conflict resolution skills (such as "no yelling," "listen," "use the I word") and then the next time he comes running for help, say, "You go right back there and work things through with your friend. I know you can solve this without me."

Why Change?

Arguing. Quarreling. Yelling. Door slamming. Crying. Hurt feelings. Arguments are a big part of why kids can't get along with others. Of course, conflict is also a part of life, but some kids sure seem to get through it all a lot more smoothly. Usually that's because they have learned a few conflict resolution skills that help them get along more successfully with others.

You can teach children those same strategies, starting when they are quite young. These skills will not only help minimize arguments and tiffs with your children's peers but also serve them well for the rest of their life. Best yet, they will improve harmony on the home front. And wouldn't that ever be a plus?

Pay Attention to This!

The American Psychiatric Association advises that if your child frequently displays four or more of the following characteristics for at least six months, you should seek the help of a trained mental health professional:

• Loses temper
• Argues with adults
• Actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
• Deliberately annoys other people
• Blames others for his mistakes or misbehavior
• Is touchy or easily annoyed by others
• Is angry or resentfulIs spiteful and vindictive

Signs and Symptoms

Remember, all children argue, but here are a few symptoms of kids who bicker so constantly that it's become a problem in their daily life.

• Always comes to you to solve a problem
• Uses aggression to get his point across (bites, kicks, fights, shoves)
• Hears only his side of an issue; only wants his needs addressed
• Shouts or yells to air his views
• Puts down the other person's opinion
• Often loses his temper when trying to voice his views
• Doesn't "hear" where the other person is coming from or attempt to listen
• Takes things personally; overly touchy or sensitive
• Feels the need to retaliate because needs aren't met
• Blames others for the problem
• Can't identify or describe the problem or source of friction
• Can't think of solutions or alternatives or weigh the consequences

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Dig deeper to uncover the real reason. Usually there are deeper issues involved: What's really triggering these arguments? For instance, is this a new behavior? If so, have there been any big changes in your child's life lately? Does your child quarrel with everyone or just certain friends or family members? Do the arguments usually happen at a certain time or day of the week (such as when he's hungry, stressed, or tired?). Ask friends, teachers, and coaches who know your child well for advice until you can discover the real reason for the constant bickering. Then commit yourself to changing one thing to start turning things around. Could any of these be the reason your child always argues? Check those reasons that may apply to your child:
  • Lacking conflict resolution skills or ability to solve problems
  • Jealous or resentful of the individual
  • Experiencing unfair treatment; being taken advantage of; always slighted; trying to stick up for himself
  • Copying what he sees and hears: everyone else in the family argues and yells
  • Selfish or materialistic: always wants what others have
  • Quick-tempered, easily frustrated, or stressed
  • Overly sensitive and easily gets rubbed the wrong way
  • Overly competitive, afraid to lose, perfectionist, or just a poor loser; arguments usually crop up when your child is in a competition
  • Over dependent: always comes to you or someone else to solve the problem
  • Domineering or bossy; craves control, attention, or power
  • Bullied, teased, or picked on; trying to defend himself
• Let him witness the right way to argue. It's important for kids to see that two people can disagree calmly and respectfully. And what better way than watching the two people he loves most "fight fair"? So tune up your own conflict resolution skills and find the right moment to show your kids the "cool" way to solve conflicts. (Hint: if you notice that you're having heated arguments with adult family members, friends, and colleagues, start tuning up your own conflict resolution skills before trying to teach them to your child.)
• Set a "no yelling" rule. If arguments are becoming too heated and are turning into yelling matches, then consider making a family "no yelling vow." The pledge is written on a piece of paper, signed by all members, and posted as a concrete reminder. Then honor it! The second any arguer's voice goes up a notch, any family member can give a nonverbal "time-out" signal (like a referee) reminding the yeller to speak in a calmer tone.
• Let your child be heard! One of the biggest reasons kids argue is that they want their feelings and needs to be heard—but no one listens! Whether or not that's the case with your kid, he does need experience with voicing his opinions in a calm manner as well as listening to other family members do the same. Find ways for your family to get their needs across and disagree peacefully. Consider using family meetings or family dinners, or even set aside a half hour every Sunday for everyone just to debrief each other about the week.
• Switch "You" to "I." Derogatory comments usually begin with "You" (You never … You're so stupid … You don't know what you're talking about … You never listen). A quick way to help your kids learn how to get their needs across without downing the other person is for them to switch from "You" to "I" and then simply tell the other person how some unacceptable behavior makes them feel. Doing so focuses on the issue that is bugging the kid without putting the recipient down: "I get really upset when you take my stuff." "I don't like to be kicked. It hurts." Just stress to your kids that their job is to attack the problem and not the person.
• Get your kid to see the other side. Kids often get so caught up in their own point of view that they lose sight of where the other person is coming from. "How does your sister feel?" "Did you hear what she actually said?" "What would she think is fair?"
• Call for time-outs. Even a few seconds can be enough to stop a big quarrel, so help your child come up with a few ways to back off from an argument ready to blow. "When you feel like you and your brother are starting to argue, try to cool things off. You could say: "You know I'm too mad to talk right now.' 'Give me a minute to cool off.' 'I need to take a walk.' 'Let's go shoot some hoops.'"

Step 2. Rapid Response

• Be sympathetic. Arguments are tough for everyone— but especially so for kids. Chances are that your child or the other kid or both are hurting. Keep in mind that your goal isn't to solve the problem—that's up to them—but you can acknowledge the hurt. "I can see why you're upset." "Arguments are never fun. They get everybody hurting."
• Don't ask why, ask what. Asking the right questions can help your child think about what triggered the argument and might even prevent the next one. Asking "why" questions ("Why are you arguing?" "Why can't you get along?") are almost guaranteed to confuse your kid and yield an "I don't know" response. Instead ask "what" questions: "What was your quarrel about?" "What did your friend say?" "What did you do?" "What do you want to happen now?"
• Encourage them work it out themselves. Ask the kids involved what they plan to do to solve "their" problem. After all, real-life practice is the best way for children to learn skills. "I know you two can solve this. If you need me, I'm in the other room, but don't leave the table until you can work this out fairly." "Let's see if you two can work this through calmly for three minutes. You've been friends far too long not to solve this."
• Intervene if necessary. If you hear an argument brewing, stay within earshot, but jump in only before emotions get too heated and that argument escalates. A gentle reminder might be called for, such as a previously agreed-on private signal (tugging on your ear, for example). With younger kids, you might say: "I see two angry kids who need to cool down. You go to the other room, and you to the kitchen until you can talk calmly and work things out."
• Encourage amends. If there are hurt feelings and your child is the cause, encourage him to make amends. Have him call the friend, apologize, and tell the friend he's sorry, or suggest a way the two can get beyond the hurdle and on with their relationship.
• Suggest a compromise. A great way to reduce arguments is by compromising. Start by describing what it means: "When you compromise it means you're willing to give up a little of what you want, and the other person is too. It's a fair way to solve a problem because everyone is more satisfied: each person can have at least part of what he wants." Your kid should understand that each person always has the opportunity to present his side, and when he does, he should be listened to: "I need to practice soccer. I have a game Saturday." Then find ways to help your child learn to apply the skill to real-life situations.

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

Teaching your child the five new habits described here will reduce those arguments and help your child resolve conflicts so that everyone is satisfied. Teach each habit separately (for instance, to solve a conflict, kids first need to learn to stop and calm down) and tailor your lessons to the developmental capabilities of your child. Then make sure you look for real-life opportunities to help your child practice until he can use each habit without you. By the time your child has learned the five parts to solving problems, he will be able to stand up for himself and solve his own conflicts. (The five parts spell out STAND to help your child remember the crucial habits.)

S – Stop and Calm Down. The first step to conflict resolution is to calm down. The reason is simple: it's impossible to think about how to solve a problem if you're upset. Once in control, you can begin rationally to figure out why you're upset and then find an answer to your dilemma. So teach your kid to take a slow, deep breath to calm down if the argument is getting heated. If people look or sound tense, encourage him to call for a time-out or suggest that everyone stop to stay calm, get a drink of water, leave for a minute, and then come back. Only when everyone is calm can you talk about what's bugging you.

T – Take Turns Telling What the Problem Is. The trick here is to enforce these critical rules: no put-downs or name-calling; you must listen to each other respectfully. No interrupting: each person gets a chance to talk. You might ask each kid to say what happened, summarize each view, and then end with, "What can you do now to solve this problem?" Make suggestions only when your kids really seem stuck. Tell kids to start their explanations with the word "I" instead of "You" and then to describe the problem and how they want it resolved. Doing so helps the speaker focus on the conflict without putting the other kid down. For instance: "I'm ticked because you never give me a turn. I want to use the computer, too." If emotions are high, give kids the option of writing or drawing their view of the problem instead of saying it to each other. This approach is particularly helpful for younger or less verbal kids. The goal should be to help each child try to feel what it's like to be in the other child's shoes. One way to do this is by having each kid put into his own words what the other kid has told him.

A – List the Alternatives for Resolving It. Next, kids need think of alternatives so that they have ways to find a resolution. Whether your child is a preschooler or an adolescent, the basic rules for thinking of solutions are the same: (1) say the first thing that comes into your mind; (2) don't put down anyone else's ideas; (3) change or add on to anyone's idea; (4) try to come up with ideas that work for both sides. Don't offer your help unless the other person really seems stuck! To keep kids focused, say they must come up with five different solutions before you return. Then leave for a few minutes. Stretch the time depending on the children's age and problem-solving skills.

N – Narrow the Choices. Now narrow the options down to a few choices. Here are two rules to help kids get closer to resolving the problem: (1) eliminate any solutions that are unacceptable to either kid because they don't satisfy his needs, and (2) eliminate any solutions that aren't safe or wise.

D – Decide on the Best Choice and Do It! The final part of conflict resolution helps kids learn how to make the best decision by thinking through the consequences of their choices. You can teach kids to think about the consequences of their remaining choices by asking, "What might happen if you tried that?" Another way to help kids decide on the best choice is by helping them weigh the pros and cons of each remaining possibility: "What are all the good and bad things that might happen if you chose that?" "What is the one last change that would make this work better for both of you?" Once they decide, the two kids shake on the agreement or take turns saying, "I agree."

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Lake Tahoe shares:

My youngest kid never had a chance to voice his view against his older very-verbal sister. The arguments and tears drove me crazy. I finally gave him an egg timer and made a house rule that he must be able to talk—without interruption—until the buzzer went off after a full three minutes of expressing himself. He carried that timer around for days, but it worked. Not only did the tears stop, but he actually learned to state his case against his sister quite well.

One Simple Solution

Teach Kids to Argue Respectfully

Kids needs to know that it's okay to disagree—just as long as they do so without bashing the other person. The problem is that most kids don't know ways to argue their point respectfully, so teach a few phrases they can adopt to get their views across, such as "That's one idea; here's another … " "I don't agree. Here's what I think." "There's another way to look at it." "Have you considered …?" "That's one way to look at it, but here's another …" You might even write such phrases on a chart to hang up on the fridge as a reminder and then find a way to naturally use a different phrase each day with your kids so that they get in the habit of using them. Do stress that they must deliver the line calmly and then listen to the other person's opinion.

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler   Though their vocabularies are emerging, preschoolers still need help putting their problem into words. Controlling impulses is still difficult, so boys in particular are prone to find physical ways to solve their problems. Kids this age are able to grasp that angry feelings can cause hurt, so they should be encouraged to "use their words." Arguments focus almost exclusively on what they want and need, and they have difficulty seeing the other person's point of view.

School Age   Resolving conflicts get easier as language develops. A simple prodding question, such as "What's the matter?" is usually all kids need to identify the problem, though they will need help identifying possible outcomes of decisions. They can now better understand others' feelings and perspectives as well as patterns that occur in disagreements. Beware: boys in grades 4 through 6 are more likely than ever to use aggression to resolve differences.²

Tween   In a national survey, 43 percent of tweens said they have conflicts with other kids at least one or more times a day;³ 80 percent said they see kids having arguments.⁴ Top conflict areas for boys include who's right and who's wrong, bragging, who does better at sports or in school, game rules, and insults and name-calling. Top conflict areas for girls are gossip and rumors, having secrets told, boyfriends, feeling jealous or left out, and mean remarks made behind people's backs.⁵

Late-Breaking News

Philadelphia: Over twenty-five years of research conducted by renowned psychologists George Spivack and Myrna Shure found that children as young as three and four years old can be taught to think through their problems.¹ They also discovered that children who are skilled in problem solving were less likely to be impulsive and aggressive when things didn't go their way; tended to be more caring and less insensitive; were better able to make friends; and tended to achieve more academically. Spivack and Shure's research, and scores of other studies, confirm that learning problem solving skills greatly enhances our children's chances for success and will reduce those arguments!

More Helpful Advice

Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids: Practical Ways to Create a Calm and Happy Home, by Naomi Drew

Tired of Yelling: Teaching Our Children to Resolve Conflict, by Lyndon D. Waugh

Waging Peace in Our Schools, by Linda Lantieri and Janet Patti

The Kids' Guide to Working Out Conflicts: How to Keep Cool, Stay Safe, and Get Along, by Naomi Drew (ages nine to fourteen)