Parenting Solutions: Bad Friends

The Change to Parent For

Your child understands the characteristics of a good friend, chooses friends based on those characteristics, and learns exit strategies or habits to say no to negative influences if he faces them from peers.

Question: "My daughter's new 'friend' is twelve going on twenty-five. She wears makeup, jeans that fit way too tightly, and has a pierced navel. I'm worried that this girl will be a negative influence. Should I worry?"

Answer: Ask yourself: "Why does my daughter want to be friends with this girl?" If it's just to be included, then help her think through if this group of girls really matches her values and interests. Help her find better friendship choices. But halt any relationship that could damage her character, reputation, or health.

Why Change?

"Why don't you like my friend's piercings?" "So what if Zach wears a black trench coat? It doesn't mean he's a bad kid." "Why don't you trust me? Sam isn't a bad kid." "Chill out! It's not like she's selling drugs!"

Bad friends. They're every parent's nightmare. We imagine only the worst: drugs, smoking, sex, trouble with the law. But what should parents do if they notice that their daughter is hanging out more with a kid whose values don't seem in sync with their own? Is there ever a time when you should forbid your son from being with a particular friend? Yes, there is, but don't jump to this conclusion too quickly. It's okay for your kid to have different kinds of friends. In fact, we should encourage those relationships. Exposing our kids to diversity is a big part of helping them broaden their horizons, develop tolerance and empathy, learn new habits, develop new perspectives, and get along with others. The trick here is to figure out when the other kid's values or lifestyle is really reckless, self-destructive, or totally inappropriate.

Consider this: Could hanging around this kid damage your child's character, reputation, or health? Keep in mind that our kids are rarely "made bad" by another kid, but the friends our kids choose to hang around with sure can increase the odds that they may—or may not—get into trouble.

Late-Breaking News

Ohio State University: Research confirms that although children are influenced by peers, parents are still the most influential factor in their kids' lives. Chris Knoester, lead author of the study and assistant professor of sociology at Ohio State University, studied data from 11,483 students and their parents.¹ His team found clear evidence that parents can act as architects of the friendship choices their kids make even after they reach adolescence. In fact, kids are more likely to have good friends (ones who don't fight and who have future college plans) if they have a warm, positive relationship with their parents. The study also found that parents can indirectly influence their kids' friendship choices by monitoring and supervising their kids, being familiar with their children's friends, and having low conflict with their kid. So don't undermine your power. These findings show that parents can indirectly influence their children's behaviors by shaping their choice of friends.

Pay Attention to This!

When to Monitor Your Kid and That Pal Even More Closely

The after-school hours between three and six o'clock are the prime time for riskier kid behaviors. Keep closer tabs on your kid after school, get him involved in supervised after-school programs or sports, or enlist the help of other parents to open their homes so that your kids have safe hangouts. Insist that he call as soon as school is over so that you know where he is at all times. Set clear parameters as to where he may or may not go after school, and enforce your rules.

One Simple Solution

Use "What If?" Questions

A quick way to assess your kid's ability to handle troubling peers is to pose "What if?" questions. You make up the scenario, then listen to how your child responds. "What if … you go to a party and there aren't any parents? the kids want to sneak out of the slumber party to meet boys? your friend dares you to go through those abandoned houses?" Your child's answers will be a springboard to talk about possible peer problems and solutions as well as clue you in to your kid's reasoning and skill levels.

• Emotional need. Your child has low self-esteem; there is a conflict at home.
• Friendship. The kid offers a place to hang out and have a good time.
• Protection. Your kid is bullied or harassed, or otherwise doesn't feel safe; this kid offers protection.
• Excitement. The pal "pushes the envelope" and is exciting to be around.
• Peer approval. Your child has trouble fitting in with a clique or group.
• Similar interests. This kid shares similar interests, such as music, sports, or academics.
• Support. Your child needs help with homework or with athletics; this pal can help.

Signs and Symptoms

Here are a few warning signs that may indicate that the pal is becoming a negative influence:

• Secretiveness. Your child becomes very secretive, locks his room, and covers up what he's doing.
• Changes in appearance. Your child starts wearing "provocative" attire, wants only pricey or name-brand items, has a complete change in hairstyle, or starts wearing gizmos that "just aren't your kid."
• School problems. Your child's grades drop; he loses interest in school, gets detentions or tardies, doesn't turn in homework; you have received worried calls or notes from his teacher.
• Changes in activities. Your child pulls away from past friends; sees this kid exclusively; is negative about "former" pals; or quits a team or sport or other activities that he has always loved.
• Character changes. Your child's integrity and your family values, culture, or religious beliefs are affected; he is more withdrawn, moody, or sad.
• Untrustworthiness. You can no longer count on your child's word; he lies, doesn't keep his promises, isn't where he says he is, misses his curfew, sneaks out.
• Decline in reputation. Your child's image is negatively affected: teachers, coaches, other parents, or kids pull away or say your kid "has changed"—and not for the better.
• Tense family relations. You and your child have frequent arguments, and your relationship with your child is strained.
• Violence. Your child is preoccupied with violence in his drawings, writings, vocabulary, or choice of activities.

Of course any kid could show some of these traits, and they may have nothing to do with the friend he is hanging out with. The trick is to keep a closer eye on your child and this new friend: how many of these symptoms showed up because this kid came into his life? Also, are you sure the other kid is the negative influence—and not vice versa?

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Figure out the cause. If you don't like the friend but haven't seen any negative changes in your child's behavior, your best bet is to stay calm and figure out what really concerns you. Here are some possible reasons kids associate with "bad" friends. Could any of these be what's motivating your child? Check those that apply to your child or situation. (By the way, don't be so quick to blame the "bad" friend. Focus instead on why your child is choosing to hang with this kid.)
• Look for simple solutions. Think through all the possible reasons your child may be hanging around this kid. The key question is, "Why is your child attracted to this kid?" Once you have that answer, you may be able to create simple solutions to deal with this problem pal. Here are a few:

Problem: Needs protection from the bully. Solution: Hold a conference with school personnel to create a safety plan, identify other adults and kids he can turn to, locate where the bullying usually happens so that your child avoids those spots and doesn't have to rely on this kid, enroll him in a martial arts class to help him gain confidence.

Problem: Recently moved, so problem pal is your kid's only friend. Solution: Enroll him in scouts or an after-school activity to make new friends, ask teacher for "pal ideas," join the PTA so you can befriend parents and build a social network, teach him how to make new friends.

• Find the attraction. If you're really struggling with why your kid likes this pal, then simply ask him: "What do you enjoy about Jimmy?" "You seem to really like his company. Why?" "What do you two like doing together?" "What do you like about him compared to your other friends?"
• Spell out expectations. Sit down with your kid and review your family rules and behavior expectations. Be clear as to what your child can and can't do and what the consequences will be if he crosses that line. Post those rules in a visible spot so that there are no questions.
• Get to know the "enemy." Appearances can be deceiving, so give the pal the benefit of the doubt. Make your home a kid-friendly hangout so that you can get to know this kid on your turf. You will be not only more comfortable knowing where your kid is but also able to keep your eyes open to see if your concerns are grounded. Also volunteer to chauffer your kid and this pal to events and gatherings. A great time to find out about this kid is when he and your child are locked in your car together. Use that rearview mirror and watch closely!
• Talk about what makes a good friendship. Kids generally turn off if parents criticize their friends (you also run the risk that your child just may spend more time with him to spite you). A better approach is to help your kid analyze what he is getting from this relationship and help him talk through what makes a good friendship so that he can reach his own conclusions. "How do you see yourself when you are with this friend?" "How do you want to be described by others? Will being with this kid help or hinder that image?" Here is a "quiz" to help your child assess his current relationships. Although no friendship is perfect, if your child can't say yes to most of these comments, it may be time for him to "move on."

My friend sticks up for me if other kids talk about me.

My friend and I have fun being together.

When something good (or bad) happens, I want to share it with my friend.

My friend and I may disagree, but we talk things through.

My friend and I look out for one another.

My friend and I can share secrets with one another.

My friend and I know all about one other and like each other just the same.

My friend makes me feel better if I'm sad.

My friend encourages me to do what's right.

My friend makes me feel good about myself.

• Look in the mirror. Is your concern really legitimate, or is it that this friend doesn't measure up to your expectations? Not all our kids' friends can be the "Little Miss Sunshine" type or whatever is your favorite type of friend for yourself, so don't expect to like all your kid's friends.

Step 2. Rapid Response

If you notice negative behaviors emerging (such as slipping grades, missing curfews, the desire for "provocative" new attire, a surly attitude), and the change corresponds to when this pal came into your kid's world, it's time to be more proactive.

• Tune up your radar. Dig deeper and confirm that this kid really is an unhealthy match for your child and becoming a negative influence you suspect and fear. Watch your child in the company of this kid. In particular, do you see a change in your child? Does he act different when this kid is around (disruptive or aggressive, and breaking your rules)? Does he put on a new (and unflattering) demeanor (ruder, meaner, surlier)? Confirm your suspicions.
• Talk to other adults. Ask teachers, coaches, counselors, or parents who know this child. They often can offer a fresh perspective. Do they share your worries or have advice? Use them to help you get perspective and evidence.
• Share your concerns with your child. Instead of criticizing your kid's companion (guaranteed to halt a conversation), cite specific concerns: "Your grades are way down," "You're swearing," "You've treated your old friends meanly." The right questions can help your child think through if this pal really is a good friend. His answers will help you assess your concern.
• Meet the parents. Find a way to meet this kid's parents or just pick up the phone and introduce yourself: "Our boys have being seeing a lot of each other, and I just wanted to introduce myself." You can use it as a pretext of exchanging phone numbers, but it may also help you get a sense of whether your concerns are grounded. And if your kid has a fit, so be it. Make a house rule that whenever your kid starts hanging around with a new pal, you will connect with that parent and introduce yourself.
• Limit time with this friend. Once you are certain this pal is a negative influence on your child, then it's time to cut back on the relationship and find ways for your kid to develop new, healthier relationships. If this kid is a safety risk, then go to Code Red and cut all contact with him ASAP.
  • Occupy your kid's time. The best way to limit your kid's time with an undesirable pal is to find healthier alternatives. Arrange activities your child enjoys. Fill his social calendar during the times he'd be hanging out with this kid.
• Monitor closely. Know where your child is at all times. Arrange for someone to pick your child up after school and for adult supervision when you're not around. Be clear that you expect your child to be where you specify. No excuses, or there will be sanctions. Don't be shy about calling the other house or driving by to make sure that your child is where he's supposed to be. And don't be afraid to say no.

• Limit privileges. Establish clear rules and review them again and again. Halt all contact with this friend: cell phone, text messages, and e-mail correspondence should also be forbidden. Pull the plug from the computer or take control of that cell phone for any infraction. Remember, you pay those phone and electricity bills.
• Change activities or classes. Pull your kid from any after-school activity with this pal. Ask the teacher to rearrange their seating so they don't sit near one another. A school counselor might switch activity periods or class schedules so they are separated.
• Change schools. In the most extreme cases, you may need to switch schools, send your child away for the summer, or even move. Yes, these measures are severe, but your job is to prevent a tragedy from happening.

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

Once you know that this "friend" is not only a bad influence but also a danger to your child's safety or values if the relationship continues, it's time to halt the friendship and teach habits that help your child move on and make new friends.

• Boost friendship skills. Does your kid keep hanging around this child because he doesn't know how to make new friends? If so, teach your child how to introduce himself to a new kid, make simple conversation, and listen attentively. Friendship skills are teachable, and the easiest way to teach the skill is to model it for your child and then let him practice and practice it. If you need specific tips on teaching social skills, my book Nobody Likes Me, Every- body Hates Me shows how to teach twenty-five crucial social skills, or you can talk to your school counselor or psychologist for more advice.
• Teach how to say no. Whether he has a problem pal or not, your kid needs to learn exit strategies to help him get out of awkward or risky social situations. Here are a few skills to teach your child to help him stand up to a troublesome pal. It's best to let your kid choose the ones he feels most comfortable with and then practice them over and over until he can finally use them in the real world.
  • Blame you. Tell your kid he can always pin the blame on you: "My parents won't let me." "My dad will ground me for life." "It's their stupid rule."
  • Give an alternative. "Why don't we go to Jimmy's?" "Let's do this instead …"
  • Phone home. Set up a secret code that your child uses only when he needs help in a tough situation: "Mom, I think I'm getting the flu." If he calls with the code, drop everything and go pick him up. And don't let your kid out of the house without change, a calling card, or a cell phone so he can call home if needed.
  • Find another kid. There is sometimes safety in numbers, so tell your child to move toward other kids, walk toward an adult, or find another kid to join up with.
  • Stay firm. Stress to your kid that it may be hard, but he should continue to repeat "No" like a broken record until the kid gets the hint. Emphasize that his goal is not to change his friend's mind or alter his behavior, but instead to stick to what he himself knows is the right thing to do. And stress this idea: "If it feels wrong, it probably is."

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler   Friends are chosen out of convenience: "He lives close and has good toys." Arrange playdates. Find playmates your child would enjoy. Talk about the traits of good friends. Friendship-making skills and values learned now play a big role in friendship choices later.

School Age   Friends are selected because of certain traits and shared interests. Enroll your kid in activities that match his passions (sports, art, music) so that he can meet other kids with similar interests. Teach problem-solving tactics so that he knows what to do in troubling situations.

Tween   The need for peer acceptance is huge, generally peaking in the seventh to ninth grade. Cliques, peer pressure, and social rejection are the hot-button topics, so teach ways to resist peer pressure. Find ways he can be involved with kids outside of school to reduce the negative impact of cliques. Network with the other parents. Make your house kid friendly. Kids begin to pull away from parents in the quest for independence, so stay involved in his world. Know where your kid is. Period.

One Simple Solution

How Well Do You Know Your Kid's Pals?

Research proves that the more you know your kid's friends—and they you—the less likely it is that your child will choose problem pals and engage in risky behaviors. ² How many of these can you answer?

1. The name of your child's best friend and the next five or six closest pals
2. The favorite pastime of each pal
3. The first names of the parents of each pal
4. The kind of relationship each pal has with his or her parent

If you aren't able to answer at least two of those questions, then it's time to get more involved in your child's social life so that you can boost your influence on his friendship choices.

One Parent's Answer

A dad from Tempe writes:

My twelve-year-old befriended a kid who should have had "Trouble" tattooed on his forehead. I was sure I'd be mortgaging my home for bail if they kept paling around. Josh always wanted a guitar, and I figured what better time. I bought a used one and signed him up for after-school lessons. He found two boys who shared his music passion, and they started a band. By that time the other kid faded from his life.

More Helpful Advice

Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, by Michael Thompson and Catherine O'Neill Grace

Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them, by Michele Borba

The Behavior Survival Guide for Kids: How to Make Good Choices and Stay out of Trouble, by Tom McIntyre

The Friendship Factor: Helping Our Children Navigate Their Social World—and Why It Matters for Their Success and Happiness, by Kenneth H. Rubin