Parenting Problems: Biting

The Change to Parent For

Your child learns new habits that help control aggressive urges, uses words to express feelings and needs, and learns healthier ways to manage frustrations.

Why Change?

Of all the common aggressive kid behaviors—scratching, slapping, pinching, spitting, hitting, shoving, and hair pulling—biting tops the parent concern list. If it's any consolation, the behavior is common during those early years, especially among boys. In fact, it's the most common reason kids get expelled from day care. But it should never be taken lightly. Although similar to hitting, biting is actually more dangerous.⁷ That's because young children have more power in their jaw muscles than in their arms, so the damage from those chompers is more severe.

Although biting usually tapers off once children learn to express their needs and cope with frustrations, it can become a vicious habit that continues even as the child gets older.⁹ So don't sit idly by and expect this behavior to go away on its own. Whatever the cause, it is clearly unacceptable and will quickly make any kid (and his parents) very unpopular. Your job is to stop this aggressive behavior before it becomes a habit and help your child learn healthier ways to cope with frustrations and express his needs.

Pay Attention to This!

Check Out the Child-Care Policy for Biting

Biting is the most common reason children get expelled from day care.⁸ Do check the "biting policy" at the child-care facility as to what it will do if a child bites. (If the administrator says they've never had that problem, be leery!) A good facility has warm, involved workers who monitor children closely and have a clearly thought-out, consistently enforced policy for handling aggression. They also know that biting is typical in young kids, so they are trained in how to handle the situation.

The Solution

Five Strategies for Change

1. Figure out the reason and then anticipate. Your first step to solving this problem is to discover why your child is biting. Do talk to his teachers. Here are a few possibilities. Check those that might apply to your child:
   • Jealous: wants what someone else has; quick way to get needs met
   • Impulsive: lacks self-control; quick-tempered; easily frustrated; shorter attention span
   • Protective: uses self-defense against an aggressive or intimidating kid
   • Lacking skills: has limited vocabulary to verbalize needs, says "It's mine"; has few coping skills
   • Seeking control: tests limits or trying to gain power
   • Frustrated: is with too many kids playing in too close quarters, not enough toys or supplies
   • Trying to get attention: thinks biting is a quick, sure way to become the center of attention
   • Imitating: copies the biting behavior of others (watch who your child hangs around with)
   • Stressed: experiences friction at home, illness, pressure, a divorce, a death, new school, a move
   • In the habit: has been allowed to get away with it
2. Step in ASAP. The next step is critical. Don't wait: move quickly.
   • The second your child bites, swoop in and say, "No biting." Then in your stern voice say, "You may not bite people! Biting hurts!"
   • Immediately remove your child to a more secluded spot away from other kids to give him time to calm down. This works particularly well if the biting was a ploy to gain attention. (See Time-Out, p. 118.)
   • Stay calm and try not to overreact. No matter what anyone says, do not bite your child back! It is not helpful, and you're only sending the message that kids can't bite, but adults can.
   • Caution siblings and other children not to laugh. Doing so will give your child attention he may be seeking. If your child has developed a pattern of biting, then supervise play times closely so that you can intervene before he bites.
   • Watch for a frustration buildup. For these times, distracting him from the situation or offering an alternative is sometimes helpful: "Let's go play blocks!"
3. Console the injured. Center your attention on the victim: "Oh, that must hurt!" "I'm so sorry. What can I do to help?" Focusing on the injured helps your child realize that biting hurts and that his behavior has consequences. He will also be learning from your modeling how to convey sympathy. When your child is calm, you might suggest hints to make someone feel better: "Why don't you … get Sammy a Kleenex, give him a washcloth, find the teacher, give him a stuffed animal." Do notify the injured child's parents. Better that you make the call than someone else. Do relate what type of first aid was administered and what plans (if any) are in place to prevent future biting incidents. (See First Aid for Bites.)
4. Replace biting with words. Once kids learn to say what they want or need, biting starts to decrease. You can speed up the process by teaching your child to "use his words" when he is calm. Start by modeling appropriate words for your child to copy: "Looks like you're mad. Tell your friend, 'I'm mad.'" You can also teach phrases to reduce typical peer conflicts: "I want to play." "May I have a turn?" "You need to share." Then help him practice "using his words" until he can use them in real social settings. Remember to let your child know how proud you are when he tries to use control or express his needs appropriately. It's progress!
5. Get other caregivers on board. Take emergency action if your child has developed a history of biting. Set up a private conference with the school, day care, or playgroup so that the adult in charge is aware of the behavior and you all agree on the consequence (such as a brief time-out or going home). The plan must be consistently enforced at school and at home. Also insist that you be informed, and record each incident so you can track the pattern. With an older child, hold a serious talk as soon as convenient. Be clear that biting will not be tolerated, that there will be a consequence each time, and that you plan to monitor his behavior closely. Stay in contact with his teacher until the behavior stops. If the biting does not gradually decrease over a few weeks, seek a professional's advice. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says that although some biting is a normal developmental phase, persistent biting can be a sign of an emotional or behavioral problem.¹⁰

First Aid for Bites

The following are the recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics:

• Wash the bite immediately with warm, soapy water for about ten minutes.
• If the skin is broken, cover the bite with a sterile dressing.
• Keep an eye on the bitten area for a few days and immediately report any signs of infection (such as swelling, new redness, fever, soreness that extends beyond the norm) to the child's pediatrician.
• Make sure that the child's tetanus immunizations are up-to-date.
• Contact the parent of the child who is bitten and advise her to seek medical help. Human saliva contains bacteria that can cause infection.

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler   Biting is common among preschoolers, especially boys, because kids lack skills to handle strong feelings or emotions, are playing in overly close quarters, or are imitating other kids' behavior, especially at day care.

School Age   Younger school-age children may bite out of frustration or anger. It is not typical for kids older than seven to bite. If they do, it is usually due to deeper emotional issues, impulsivity, or severe stress and requires intense intervention. Seek the help of the school or district psychologist ASAP. Request a psychological assessment and a monitored behavior plan.

Tween   Biting at this age is not common and is typically is due to intense anger, trauma, or an emotional issue. Seek the help of a mental health professional immediately.

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Reno shares:

When the preschool teacher told me my sweet daughter bit a boy, I couldn't believe it. But sure enough, I found out that this little boy started in on my daughter, grabbing things from her. She was trying to "be good," but this kid was a bully, and sure enough she took a chomp out of his arm. I saw how upset she was and told her that I knew she didn't mean to bite and that I'd help her so she wouldn't have to bite again. She broke down, so relieved that someone was going to help her deal with this bully. Every day, we practiced using a "strong voice" until she was able to stand up for herself. It was the last time she bit or that boy picked on her.