Changing Our Ineffective Scripts So that Children Will Change Theirs

A major foundation of resilience, about which I have written on many occasions for my website and in the books I have co-authored with my friend Dr. Sam Goldstein, centers on the concept of personal control. Simply stated, resilient people are those who have the insight and courage to change what they are doing if what they are doing is ineffective. They avoid blaming themselves or others if particular actions prove unproductive or counterproductive. Instead, they consider what changes they can initiate to create a more positive outcome rather than wait for others to change first. Such a perspective leads to a sense of empowerment rather than blame.

Assuming personal control or responsibility for one's life is an essential underpinning of emotional and physical well-being, but it is not easily practiced. All too often when confronted with difficult situations, many individuals become frustrated, but instead of considering alternatives to their current outlook and behaviors, they persist in doing the same thing over and over again, trapped in a negative script that frequently involves accusing others for maintaining the status quo.

I have witnessed many examples of negative scripts in my clinical and consultation activities. For example, in consultations I have conducted with schools or clinics about challenging youth, I have heard the following refrain on more than one occasion: "We have been using this strategy with these students (clients) for months. They are still not responding or changing. They are resistant and oppositional."

I believe in perseverance, but I also believe that if we have been using the same ineffective strategy for a lengthy time, I am tempted to ask, "Who are the resistant ones? Are they the kids who are not improving or staff members who are not willing to change their approach?"

Fortunately, I continue to hear from professionals who recognize that if the status quo is to be altered, they must assume responsibility for doing so. I learned that lesson years ago when I was principal of a school in a locked door unit of a psychiatric hospital. One of the children yelled at me, "Don't you get it, Dr Brooks? We're going to outlast you." Initially, I responded to this comment with punitive disciplinary measures, which served only to reinforce the resolve of the students in the school to outlast me. It wasn't until my staff and I began to change our usual ways of operating that the behavior of the kids began to improve.

In my workshops I have recounted the inspiring, revealing stories sent to me by educators, mental health clinicians, and other professionals who have adopted a strength-based approach when working with children and adolescents. These professionals demonstrate a refreshing ability to think outside the box in their quest to enhance the lives of youngsters and their families. Recently, an attendee at one of my presentations was very moved by a vignette I described and said, "I think it would be great if from time to time you shared in your monthly website articles some of the stories you have collected. They would be helpful to many people." I responded that I liked her suggestion, noting that others had made a similar recommendation.