The Lighter Side of Changing Negative Scripts: The Benefits of Humor and Laughter

At an all-day workshop I conducted several weeks ago I discussed the theme of negative scripts.  I explained that a negative script involved saying or doing the same thing over and over again with family members, friends, co-workers, or employees even though our previous efforts did not result in a positive outcome. I noted that we persist with this behavior, believing that we have right on our side and that others should change their actions. I would guess that most, if not all of us, have engaged in negative scripts—who knows, perhaps someday a negative script gene will be discovered.

As I usually do at my presentations, I offered several humorous examples not only of negative scripts but also of the ways in which people attempted to alter these scripts. A woman in the audience approached me during a break and joked about some of her own negative behavior involving her children. She said she planned to change these scripts immediately, which she realized was easier said than done. She observed that many of the examples I offered about parents, teachers, and mental health professionals (including myself) engaging in and/or changing their negative scripts were quite humorous. She added that given the sadness since September 11 it felt good to laugh.

I told her that I found making presentations very therapeutic, often lifting my spirits even in the midst of some periods of noticeable sadness since September 11. It was therapeutic for me to feel that my presentations might be helping others and I agreed with her that it was healthy to be able to laugh, especially about common human vulnerabilities to which we could all relate.

I shared with her that at a couple of my workshops immediately following the tragedy of September 11, I began my presentation by mentioning to the audience that my style was to capture the humorous side of our behaviors as a way of assisting us to reflect upon and change our negative scripts; I emphasized that in using humor I did not intend in any way to deny the pain, anger, and anxiety we were experiencing but rather to recognize and appreciate our strengths and human qualities and to help us feel more receptive to learning new things. I offered this explanation to those in attendance since I did not want anyone to interpret my use of humor as a sign of disrespect to the many victims of the horrible events we had recently experienced. When I finished telling this woman what I had said, she responded with an obvious but powerful remark, “As long as humor is used in a compassionate, caring way, it brings people together rather than pulling them apart.

Her comment resonated with me. Many years ago I wrote a chapter about the therapeutic use of humor. I emphasized that as long as humor does not border on sarcasm or is not used in anger, it serves to create an environment in which people feel more relaxed and less defensive, and more willing to make changes in their lives. Research indicates that the use of humor is implicated in both our emotional and physical well-being and has also been found to be an important feature of resilience. In a documentary that Dr. Sam Goldstein and I completed in association with our book “Raising Resilient Children,” Dr. Emmy Werner, a renowned researcher on the theme of resilience, observed that while humor is not something that parents can actually “teach” their children, what they can do is to serve as models. Children will learn more about humor from us in our role as models than any formal lessons we might provide.

While changing a negative script does not always contain a humorous component, I have been impressed with how often it does. The “startle” quality of the change frequently results in disbelief on the part of other people involved, a disbelief that triggers laughter. However, not only does a change in script contribute to others feeling more comfortable, what I have personally experienced and what others have reported is that the individual changing the script also feels better. Why would this be?

I believe when people modify a negative script they are displaying insight and courage. They are saying, in effect, “What I am doing is not working. Before I can expect others to change, I have to recognize that I have control over only one person in my life and that is myself. I must make the first changes.” The recognition that “we are the authors of our own lives” is a liberating, empowering experience. As I described in my web site articles about “stress hardiness,” a focus on what we have control over is a hallmark of feeling less stressed. If we continue to search for happiness by expecting someone else to change first, we can almost guarantee that we will remain stressed and unhappy.