College Admission Essays: Sounding Strong and Mature

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Here are the guaranteed turn-offs for any admissions committee:

• “As I cogitated over my past. . . .” Don’t use every vocabulary word you ever memorized, and be especially careful not to use a word with which you’re not completely comfortable.
• “The revered elder trees lifted bark-covered arms to the welcoming dawn.” Don’t aim for a self-conscious “literary” effect instead of a natural voice. You’ll sound stiff and, ironically, less educated than you actually are.
• “It was raining cats and dogs when I visited your campus.” Stay away from clichés! They’re boring and uncreative. (Besides, the image of cats and dogs falling from the sky will upset animal lovers.)

In this article I show you some less glaring tone problems, which are fortunately quite easy to eliminate from your rough draft.

Projecting confidence

“I think I may be right for your school.” Can you imagine a statement that is more weak-kneed than this one? Probably not. If you’re right for the school, say so. If you’re not, don’t apply. No matter what, don’t sit on the fence. Make a statement and stand behind it! Here are some tentative statements written in answer to real application questions, along with an improved, confident version of each:

Question: Write about a book that affected you.

Tentative: I enjoyed Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations, which may be one of the best novels ever written.

Confident: When Pip receives notice that he has “great expectations,” I was hooked. Dickens’ novel is one of the best ever written, and certainly the best I’ve read.

Why version two is better: The writer describes the feelings more concretely and specifically and eliminates qualifiers. (For a more in-depth discussion of qualifiers, see Chapter 15.)

Question: Describe something you’ve done that you consider creative.

Tentative: I thought I might turn my campus into something that looked like a tented caterpillar, a project that was more or less inspired by the artist Christo and seemed creative to me.

Confident: My creativity was stretched to the limit when I erected a giant tent over the campus, a project inspired by the artist Christo.

Why version two is better: You must make a definitive judgment to answer that question, and you must also evaluate your own actions. Version one gives the impression that you are not up to either of those tasks.

Question: Translate a visual image into words and explain your rationale.

Tentative: Picasso’s painting Guernica makes me think about the horrors of war, though other viewers may have a different impression. Everyone sees art in a unique way, and no one can say that one way is more correct than another.

Confident: Picasso’s painting Guernica presents the horrors of war.

Why version two is better: You’re not answering a question about everyone’s views of art, and inserting a statement about others’ opinions takes the focus off your own ideas. And that’s where the focus of your essay should be!

Question: What characteristics of our school influenced your decision to apply?

Tentative: I think I might enjoy the all-night pre-game parties, though I’m not sure whether or not I’d actually attend, depending upon the amount of work I have to do.

Confident: All work and no play is a cliché, but it is based on a true assessment of human nature. When I visited Partydown University, I attended an all-night pre-game party. The students assured me that they had already completed their course work and were now ready to relax. Such a schedule appeals to me, though of course I must concentrate primarily on my studies.

Why version two is better: Okay, version two is not better in that you shouldn’t explain your partying plans, regardless of how responsible you intend to be. (I was just having some fun with the example.) Apart from the subject matter, version two at least expresses your views with assurance!