College Admission Essays: Showing, Not Telling Your Story - Getting Down to Specifics

(1) I spend 19 hours a day glued to my books, and another 2 hours typing homework assignments on the computer. I’ve learned to sleep with my eyes open and my brain on “full speed ahead.” About ten years ago I took a three-minute vacation, but that’s about it for goofing-off time.

(2) Two hours a night during the week is enough for me to finish all my assignments, except of course for the long-range stuff like term papers and art projects. I study a little on Sunday afternoons when the rest of the family is bowling, but when I’m really pressed with work, I hit the books on Saturday too. Friday night is my time, and unless you’re wearing a flak jacket, don’t ask me to do anything but party.

(3) I get all my assignments done in one concentrated burst of effort, usually the last three minutes of the bus ride to school. I find that a minute or so of the interval between classes goes a long way; I can usually whip out a science lab or an English paper after I hit my locker and before the bell rings to start class. When I go home, I download a couple of tracks from the bands that interest me, send instant messages to my best buds, and call it a day.

Now your answer means something. I may not agree with your schoolwork schedule (especially if your answer is #1 or #3), but at least I understand your work habits. The details make the difference between a clueless and a clued-in reader. 

When you’re writing the admission essay — or anything else, for that matter — one rule is vitally important:

In general, avoid generalities. To be more specific: Be specific!

Thus, you’re driving a Jaguar, not a car. You’re eating a ham/apple/chocolate quiche (yuck), not a snack. You didn’t get hurt; you split your knee open and had to have 28 stitches. Got the idea? Here are a few short examples:

Bad, general statement: My mother had a huge influence on my life.

Better, specific statement: Because my mother super-glued a pencil to my hand, I became a fluent writer.

Another bad, general statement: I enjoyed the science experiment I did in the fourth grade.

The better, specific version: When I blindfolded my guinea pig Porkchop and put him on a leash (not an easy task, given the fact that the average guinea pig has no neck whatsoever), I sent him through 12 different mazes. He found the lettuce much more quickly when the proper route through the maze was rubbed with a lettuce leaf first. Doing this science experiment added to my determination to become a laboratory researcher. Plus, I bonded with Porkchop and had a great time.

One last bad general statement: In my future career I hope to work for world peace, an important quality.

The non-beauty-contestant version: The School of Diplomacy and Really Hard Foreign Languages will prepare me for a career with the Bureau of Incomprehensible Treaties. I hope to learn negotiating skills and apply them in such intractable conflicts as the smelly-cheese dispute that nearly derailed the formation of NATO.

Time to see the principle of specifics in a real admission essay. (Also time to see the consequences of ignoring the principle of specifics in a clunker written by yours truly.) Suppose that you have to write about a school assignment. You want to show that you work extremely hard and that you love to learn, two qualities you hope will appeal to the admissions committee. This example essay  contains my too-general version.

What’s wrong with the essay in the above example? Just about everything. Okay, it’s not terrible, but it’s so general that the reader doesn’t learn much. The reader, lacking facts, has to take the writer’s word for everything. For example, the essay states that “I have read a lot of difficult books in my other courses.” What books? How does the reader know they’re difficult? Are we talking Dr. Seuss here or Sigmund Freud in the original German? Without a title or two, the reader can only trust the writer.

Now check out this example essay, a real student essay about a school assignment. The writer gets his point across — the fact that he works really hard and enjoys an intellectual challenge more than sleeping — in a very specific way.

Notice some of the details the author of this essay included:

• Tolstoy’s War and Peace
• Wagner pulsating in the background
• amber light
• 1 1/2 pots of tea
• one-page pamphlet
• clock striking four
• list of 20 most influential people
• five-page pamphlet
• mother’s waking him at 6:30
• head face-down on desk
• 8 tea bags
• 100 pieces of paper
• “Good work”

How much more alive is this student’s essay than the general one! You’re there in his room as he grapples with the material. You see the scene — the tiredness, the dedication, the assignment, his thought processes — because he gave you a wealth of detail. 

I love this essay, but I am not advocating all-nighters. Your health is more important than any grades or admission offer. Go to bed at a reasonable hour! Pour those details in your essays during the daytime!

Aim for specifics regardless of the subject matter of your essay. If you’re writing about yourself, as in above "show-not-tell" essay, hit the details. Also hit the details if you’re writing about another topic.  Check out thisexample essay, another real student essay which describes "an issue of importance to you."  

Notice the wealth of information the writer provides about the greenhouse effect and global warming, including:

• a brief explanation of the Kyoto Treaty
• the European Union’s proposal on greenhouse gasses
• the position of the United States government
• the percentage of emissions that would be cut
• the United States per capita production of emissions compared to its population
• Greenpeace’s campaign to raise awareness
• the actions of Junior Statesmen of America

By the time you finish reading this essay, you know something about the issue. You are also completely sure that the writer knows a lot about the issue and is willing to back his beliefs with actions. The specifics carry the message loudly and clearly.

Notice that the writer makes a personal connection to the issue in the first two paragraphs of his essay. He also discusses his involvement in the last paragraph. Good idea! Members of the admissions committee no doubt care deeply about global matters, but their job is to evaluate you, not the Kyoto Treaty and the like. So including something about yourself, even in an essay about current events, is a good idea.

Another important reason for including specifics has to do with the nature of college or grad-school admissions. The average admissions committee member has read thousands of essays. The literal truth is that you can make no general statement whatsoever that they haven’t already read (or heard during interviews). You favor world peace? Think your family is great? Appreciate your friends, want to see justice done, had a great experience with community service projects? Terrific. Join the thundering hordes banging on the admissions door. They all did the same thing. But — and this is a really big but — they didn’t do those things in the same way, because every human being is unique. Your life and ideas — in the details — is different from that of every other person. So if you want to stand out from the crowd, be specific.