How to Write a Winning College Personal Statement: Example Essay and Critiques

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The personal statement below is an actual student essay, which are printed in its entirety. Following each essay is a critique to determine if the essay lived up to the standards of a winning personal statement. Keep in mind that the remarks in the critiques are subjective; readers are free to disagree.

Personal Statement

The student who wrote this Personal Statement below is a dual citizen, born and raised until the age of 11 in England. The student is interested in a career as a writer, but he also has a stated interest in drama. He is attending a large public university in a state different from his own.

English children are taught by their mums that “Good children should be seen and not heard.” Growing up in England, I was always a proper little gentleman, even though my parents introduced me at a relatively young age to theater, an art form in which people must be both seen and heard. Nonetheless, somewhere in my child’s mind, I knew that I wanted to be involved in the magic that is theater.

Fast forward. Having moved to America at the age of eleven, I was trying to adapt to a culturally foreign lifestyle: No afternoon tea, no one to play cricket with, but sunshine instead of rain! I remember sitting in classes, always wanting to participate, but holding back, remembering what I had been taught back home. When I was encouraged to read the part of an American rancher in John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men, I saw an entire class mesmerized by my reading, detailing Steinbeck’s theme of one’s struggle to identify one’s place in the universe. They could not imagine how I had changed my voice from a British accent, to that of a Western rancher. From that point on, and throughout high school, I became an integral part of the drama program.

In addition to performing in theater, I also enjoy attending it. A few months ago, I went to a performance of the musical, Passing Strange. The experience was life altering. A line in a song by Stew, writer of Passing Strange, states, “Life is a mistake that only art can correct.” Hearing this touched my soul, and clinched my future for me. I realized that I no longer wanted to be a professional actor, but I yearned to put my own stamp on the artistic world, through things that I create, rather than acting out someone else’s words. My direction became clear: I want to be a writer.

My first real writing opportunity came in July 2008, when I returned to _____________, a performing arts summer program. ____________ recently introduced a contest for student-written, 10-minute plays. I got to work, writing draft after draft of what eventually became The Death of James [the name of the play has been changed], a play about how the decisions we make deeply impact our lives. I submitted the play, and it was selected as one of five to be performed by campers, and directed by the authors. Just when I thought that this was life’s perfect moment, I learned that __________ Publishing Company was publishing my play in a book of anthologies. I am still over the moon.