Gender Differences at College

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The way your child adjusts to college life depends in part on gender, because the coping methods of males and females are generally quite different. Although there have been some specific scientific studies done in this area, my beliefs are based primarily on personal observances of college students over the past twenty-four years.

I have found females to be far more emotionally mature when they arrive at college. They are more tuned in to their feelings and tend to see the connection between the stresses of college life and their feelings. Therefore, they are the ones who more often seek help, although they may not be the ones with more problems.

In the important work at the Stone Center at Wellesley College, researchers have found that women's development and satisfaction with life occurs in and through relationships. If women find and develop satisfactory support networks and feel a sense of connection, they have a greater sense of well-being. When they do not, their emotional intuitiveness makes them more vulnerable to psychological pain, and their coping mechanisms can be very negative. Some find their comfort in eating disorders, depression, or sexual promiscuity.

Men tend to create their relationships in more competitive, adversarial ways"in sports, academic accomplishments, or sexual prowess, for example. When they fall short of their own expectations, they have no real sense of why they feel so miserable. Rather than explore these feelings (as females will do), they avoid even thinking about their feelings and turn instead to counterproductive coping behaviors"commonly alcohol and drug use. The American College Health Association study found that 11.4 percent of responding males said that in the two weeks before the survey they had had five or more alcoholic drinks on three to five occasions; only 6.9 percent of females gave the same response.

Males use mood-altering drugs and alcohol to make themselves feel more socially comfortable, and if that doesn't work, they use them to numb to the pain. Alcohol use is a common male response to the stress of developing relationships and the hurt of not fitting in. This is not to suggest that females don't abuse alcohol and drugs as well. But it is more common for males to become involved in substance abuse in order to dull the pain of struggling through developmental issues.

Before the college years, you were able to organize your children's lives and supervise their activities. Now they are on their own and face the developmental task of learning how to balance their lives so they can feel confident in who they are, become fully engaged socially, learn what they are able to do and what they can't or shouldn't do, and be academically successful. These tasks are all normal developmental issues that cause crisis only when they get out of balance.

The adjustment to college and adult life causes many college-age kids exceptional stress, but it is not the only disruptive factors in their lives. In the next chapter, we'll take a look at how the demands to be the best, do it all, meet parental expectations, and deal with cultural and racial pressures lead some kids to the brink of disaster.