Identity Development at College

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Late adolescence is a time of transition, a period of reflection on family values, career aspirations, and lifestyle experimentation. Before heading off to college, kids' developing sense of self is formed within the context of their family and immediate social experiences. The values and the academic and career expectations of the child and parents are often in line (at least on the surface). Even kids who attend boarding schools are closely supervised and molded by their teachers and parents. By the time they leave high school, many teens have a strong sense of self and purpose and feel confident about who they are and what they believe in.

But things change when they go off to college"as they should. Part of the function of college is to give young adults the freedom to explore their world. They will meet other students whose life views will challenge their previous assumptions"students with different backgrounds and values, with cultural differences, and with new philosophical and political ideas (more conservative or more liberal than their own). They'll be thrown into a world with ready access to sexual freedom and experimentation, along with alcohol and drugs. During this time of exploration, the question, Where do I fit into life? becomes more difficult to answer. Now the young adult may begin to define herself by new experiences and relationships, and this can change, challenge, and sometimes clash with the identity she left home with. Although this is a normal developmental process, it is a source of great anxiety for many college students.

"We're Not in Kansas Anymore"

In college, the model for living changes. These young adults are now exposed to many and varied life structures. They live with other students and learn about different lifestyles, backgrounds, cultures, races, and values. No longer do many of these young adults look to the family structure for direction and guidance. Rather, they stand in bewilderment like Dorothy in Munchkin Land whispering to Toto, "I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

For some young adults, this may be the first time that they have the freedom to recognize the differences between their own upbringing and others. They may see that other college-age kids have more or less financial freedom, or are more or less sexually mature and experienced, or are more or less bound by religious beliefs. Or they may see that other styles of clothing and body art are forms of personal expression rather than rebellion against parental rules. There is a tension between feeling unique and special versus fitting in and being part of the group. This is an opportunity for growth, but also fuel for confusion and anxiety.

When the new life model clashes with the child's family model, it can cause great internal upset. If the child chooses to shift and adopt new values and lifestyle, he or she may feel the stress of separation and parental disapproval"for example:

Anya is an eighteen-year-old first-year student from Indonesia who was raised in a single-parent home by her mother. Her mom came from a poor, conservative family where the cultural expectation was to get married by age eighteen and raise a family. Before sending her daughter off to college, Anya's mother confessed to Anya that she had been an "accidental" pregnancy and that she had considered an abortion. But she added that although it had been very difficult to raise a child alone, she was glad she did not have the abortion and was very proud of Anya and her accomplishments.

At school, Anya had a difficult adjustment period. She wanted to be accepted by her American classmates.
She was very attractive but shy. She started using alcohol to relax in social situations, and one night she went home with someone she was dating, had sex without a condom, and got pregnant.

Anya told her boyfriend, who said he wasn't ready to commit to her and that she should have an abortion. She felt tremendous shame and guilt, as you can imagine. She couldn't bring herself to discuss this with her mom, but decided to speak with a counselor to sort out what would be right for her. Part of her felt that she should go home, have the baby, and make the same choice as her mother had, while a stronger part knew she had this opportunity for an education that she could not turn away from to live the same kind of difficult life her mother had led. Since leaving home, her beliefs and values had changed.

Other young adults cling to family values and beliefs for security, but on some deeper level they realize that not all of the old values and beliefs fit anymore. This pull of loyalties can cause great personal discomfort. Here's another story to illustrate this:

Karen, who came from a staunchly Republican family, learned in a political science class that her parents' belief that Democrats were all a bunch of bleeding-heart liberals looking for government handouts was not entirely true. But when she went home on holidays and during semester breaks, she couldn't bring herself to challenge their narrow beliefs. She seethed inside as she listened to their dinner conversations that tore into all Democrats with equal contempt, but she sat in silence rather than risk parental disapproval.

By assuming that their grown daughter held the same political beliefs as they did, Karen's parents were unknowingly pushing their daughter away emotionally. She couldn't agree with them, but she couldn't disagree either. And so she felt stuck in silence and internal ­ conflict.

Leaving home to explore the broader world is an exhilarating experience, but don't be surprised if your child also starts to talk or behave in an entirely new way like someone you don't completely know any more"someone who disagrees with you about just about everything.