How to Write a Winning College Personal Statement: Examples and Critiques

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The personal statement below is an actual student essay, which is printed in its entirety. Following each essay is a critique to determine if the essay lived up to the standards of a winning personal statement. Keep in mind that the remarks in the critiques are subjective; readers are free to disagree.

Personal Statement

This Personal Statement is another career-oriented essay, which states why the student is interested in business as a college major. The student is attending an honors program in a small, private university.

When I was thirteen, the thing I wanted most in life was a limited edition, glow-in-the-dark Power Rangers snow globe. The local hobby shop charged an astronomical amount for the snow globe because it was such a rare piece; there were only 100 in the world. As I would later learn, the shop’s individuality in selling Power Rangers paraphernalia to my neighborhood effectively gave it a monopoly over the product, and thus allowed it to inflate its price at will. To my younger, naïve self, that didn’t matter; I was ready to spend whatever was necessary to make sure I obtained this collector’s item. I was just about to squander all of my saved-up money and fulfill my desire when a friend told me about a company called eBay. From that moment my life changed forever.

My eyes were opened when I first logged on to eBay. I found millions of items being sold at the same time from places all over the world. I was simply amazed by the potential that was available for both buyers and sellers. Although I knew that there were a lot of items being traded, I didn’t expect to find such rare commodities as phosphorescent action figures suspended in glass bowls. With little hope in my heart, I sought out the elusive snow globe. Much to my surprise, my search turned up one result. A man in California was selling the exact item I yearned for, and the opening bid was at the quarter of the price that it was being sold for in the local store! I can’t even express in words the ecstasy that I felt. I immediately began to bid on the item, not wanting to waste a second. I was pitted against “Bidder 2” in a battle of wits (not to mention modem speed and wallet size), and he proved to be a worthy opponent. With 10 seconds to go I put in my final bid, hoping that I would “seal the deal.” Sure enough 10 seconds later, eBay informed me that I had won my first auction. “Bidder 2” was history and I was the new owner of the snow globe, and for half the price that I was originally willing to buy it for. A week later my longing came to an end; the missing, blizzardy piece of my heart arrived in the mail. And though the pleasure of owning a Power Rangers snow globe only lasted a fleeting few months, the intrigue for business that eBay had sparked in me continues to blaze today.

Of course, making purchases through eBay wasn’t always easy. As my faith in the company grew after my initial success, eBay became my primary source of acquiring whatever I needed. I found myself buying things all the time at discounted rates and was thrilled with the amount of money I was saving. There was one time, however, when things didn’t go quite as planned. My old cell phone had died, and I wanted to replace it with a new one. I searched for a specific model on eBay and specified that I wanted an unused item. When I found a listing at the right price, I immediately bought the phone. When the package arrived a few days later disappointment pierced my heart like a dart on a bull’s eye. The cell phone arrived used; it was scratched and dirty and not worth the money I spent. For the first time, eBay had failed me. I immediately sprung into action: I contacted the seller, but he claimed that he had sent a brand new phone. I then contacted eBay and told them of the fraud. Within a few days eBay refunded my money at no cost, and my broken heart completely healed.