Encourage Problem-Solving Skills at College

Like all of us, your young adult children are more likely to feel overwhelmed by daily challenges when they feel powerless. But their ability to feel empowered and to take charge of difficult situations has a lot to do with how you react to their problems. Stop and think for a minute: What would be your first plan of action if your child called home right now and told you that she can't study or sleep because her roommate is partying and keeping her up?

You are a loving parent, so of course you want to get involved and help your child with this problem. You might call a college administrator to complain. You might want to talk directly to the roommate. You might call the resident adviser and insist on a room change. But none of these actions is best for your child. If you initiate the calls, contacts, or complaints, your child loses a very important opportunity to do this herself.

As you're about to offer a solution, stop yourself. First, try to get the facts about exactly what is going on, and then help your child brainstorm her own solutions. Teach her to weigh the pros and cons of each option, and then decide for herself what to do"all the while trying your best to keep your answer to the problem to yourself.

This is easier to do when the problem is a typical one like a noisy roommate, but far more difficult when the issues are more extreme (lifestyle differences such as attitudes about sexuality, sleep patterns, or divergent religious views and emotional stresses such as eating disorders, depression, or alcohol or drug issues). Yet the same guideline applies. These issues can be a distraction from academic focus and cause worry or even alarm on the part of your child. But these are issues your children are going to face throughout their lives. They will run into people who aren't reasonable or who have emotional problems in the workplace, living next door, or in the family of their spouse or significant other. Part of being in college is to learn about different philosophies and lifestyles and to learn how to problem-solve when life presents tough problems.

It is important to recognize these situations as opportunities for learning about how to deal with unexpected events and life ­ relationships. If you jump in to solve problems for your child, once again, an opportunity is lost.

I am not saying that you should stay out of a dangerous situation such as a roommate who is selling cocaine out of your child's dorm room. What I am suggesting is that you help your child think about how to approach this problem and get him to weigh the pros and cons of possible solutions. Let him come up with options:

"Maybe I could tell my roommate that if he doesn't stop selling drugs, I will have to report him to the resident adviser."

"I could change rooms, but if I do that, what will I tell the housing office to justify this?"

"Or maybe I should call the police."

Then ask him to evaluate the consequences of each one and decide which is best. This gives your child the chance to problem-solve and find a solution that will work for him rather than relying on your solution.

It isn't easy to hand over the decision-making power. The tendency to become Mr. or Ms. Fixit is strong because it tends to bring you into the more familiar parent-child pattern of relating. It is important to be aware of the need for changing parameters in the relationships and to try to be helpful but avoid going back to old patterns of relating. When problems pop up, remind yourself that they offer your adult child opportunities to practice mature decision-making skills. If your child actively moves to solve his or her problems but is ignored or stonewalled by administrators, it is then time to ask if your son or daughter would like you to step in. Even in college, it sometimes takes a phone call or visit from parents to make things happen.