Stay Connected at College

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You're on your own. Your parents won't be contacting your professors to check on your grades. If you live at school, they won't be calling the dean of housing to make sure you're in bed at a certain hour. And you don't need their permission to stay out late. This is a life passage when you separate yourself from your parents. Feels good, huh?

This separation is good, natural, and normal, but don't cut off all contact with home. Having the connection with your family while you make new connections in the college community is very important to your sense of comfort and security. How you feel about taking risks, accepting challenges, and trying new things is tightly bound to how secure you feel at your base. For many students, the family is the base, and it's good to know that they're there when you need to go back for a dose of security.

However, when you lose that connection (because perhaps you haven't contacted them in over a month), it can be very hard to then pick up the phone and admit that you're struggling with a problem. When you lose that intimate connection and the thrill of taking that independent step in college begins to wear off, it can be a very lonely feeling.

At least until you have strong connections among your college peers and professors, keep the connection with your family alive. Send them e-mail and pick up the phone when they call. It's a little dose of insurance in case the day comes when you're out there alone and you need to hear a kind, familiar voice.

If that day does come, your first impulse may be to hide your troubles from your parents, a kind of protective reaction because you don't want to worry or disappoint them. That sounds admirable, but it's not. Keep in mind when you're struggling with a problem that your parents are usually much more aware of what's going on than you might think. There's probably no one else on the planet who cares more about you, and that's why when they sense that you're unhappy or scared, they'll bug you with questions like, "What's the matter? Are you okay? Is there anything wrong?"

You have to make your own decisions about when to talk to your parents and how much to tell them about your life. But when making that decision, remember that being an independent adult ­ doesn't mean going it alone. Part of being mature is learning when to share problems and concerns and when to ask for help. Even if your parents can't understand exactly what you're going through, their love goes a long way; what they don't get, they'll usually try to understand and work with you to get through it.

At the same time, take stock of your relationships with peers. We all need connections with others to feel wanted and secure. These connections are so important that feeling engaged with other students and professors is a key for academic and emotional well-being.

If you find yourself feeling left out or alone, do something about it. Every college community has programs and activities for everybody from activists to artists, from computer techs to feminists, from atheists to fundamentalists. Find a group that shares your interests and passions. Reach out, talk to people, go to meetings, take a risk. You spend only twelve to eighteen hours a week in the classroom; that leaves a vast amount of time for nonacademic experiences with peers and friends. Take advantage of the college environment to make connections that will make you feel important and valued. We all need that.
Not True!

Each of the following quotations is a myth that too many college students believe. When you're talking to yourself, stop short and evaluate what's really going on if you hear yourself saying any of these. They are sure signs that you're headed for trouble:

"I don't need to sleep."

"Alcohol isn't dangerous. It helps relax me in social situations and unwind after a hard week of work."

"I can't believe I screwed up that test. I'll never amount to anything. This is going to ruin my life."

"This person is the love of my life. I couldn't live without him [her]. He [she] would never hurt me or let me down."

"My parents have no idea what I'm going through. They would be so disappointed if I told them."

"They must have picked up the wrong folder when they admitted me. I don't belong here."