Hit a Pillow, Never a Child

It’s not just Homer Simpson, every parent struggles to manage their anger at times. Anger and frustration are parts of raising children, but if parents can’t control their tempers, it can cause resentment, guilt, low self-esteem, and fear in children. 

1. Control yourself. Breathing deeply or counting to ten can make you pause and consider before acting rashly. Try sitting down. Sometimes, simply being at the same level as your first grader can be a useful way of adjusting your mindset. 
2. Listen. Acknowledging your child’s emotions teaches them that these feelings are normal. 
3. Discuss. Put a label on your own feelings. “I’m really upset at the mess in here and extremely angry about the paint on the carpet.” When you discuss your child, refer to his or her behavior, not their character. You still love them, just not their clumsiness and fondness for bright orange paint. 
4. Rules, not reactions. Refer to incidents in terms of rules. That way, you’ll turn flashpoints into opportunities to teach your values to your child. Also, you avoid blaming your child as directly. “We put our paints away in this house. Please tidy up your bedroom before dinner.”  
5. Watch your words. Children are very vulnerable to verbal criticism. A child who has been told he’s an idiot will often internalize and believe that insult, no matter if it was said in anger. Hurtful comparisons, blaming, insults, rejection, and threats will all reduce confidence and cause lasting resentment, shame, and guilt. 
6. Use words positively. Define situations, explain clearly what your child has done wrong, and why it’s unacceptable. “When you leave art materials out, it means someone else has to tidy up.” 

What’s the most important rule for parents looking for tips on anger management? No physical violence. Hit a pillow, but never hit a child. 

For more information on controlling parental anger, please see the full article: