Dealing with Discipline

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Parents are expected to teach discipline to their children. This does not refer to punishment for transgressions but teaching appropriate behaviors, including self-control.

Teaching and guiding children are perhaps the greatest concerns parents have in performing adequately as caregivers to growing children. Cultural ideas have evolved about what children need and how best to teach them the behaviors, values, and beliefs adults consider important for their effective future functioning. Advice on how to raise children has proliferated in modern times. Information on a variety of topics pertaining to parenting, child development, and guidance techniques is available in magazines, books, and pamphlets. Such materials tend to be used more frequently by today’s parents than they were in previous generations (Bigner & Yang, 1996; Francis-Connolly, 2003).

Uppermost in many parents’ thinking is the issue of how to provide adequate and appropriate discipline in guiding children’s growth and development (Chamberlain & Patterson, 1995). A survey of child-rearing advice in popular literature between 1950 and 1970 found discipline to be a common topic (Bigner, 1972). Articles during this period also emphasized: (1) helping children gain self-control through psychological means rather than through physical punishment, (2) using positive reinforcement to achieve desired results in children’s behavior, and (3) using a variety of strategies and methods for child training. Another survey of popular literature articles appearing between 1972 and 1990 also found that the topic of discipline and socialization of children received a sizable degree of writers’ attention (Bigner & Yang, 1996). Articles published during this period reflected the same general themes found in the earlier period surveyed, but also emphasized the emergence of many new ways of working with children that are described in this chapter. Many of the themes discussed during the past 40 years in popular magazine articles appear to be perennial issues with parents, such as how to communicate with children so that they learn how to listen and comply with parental concerns about their behavior.

Some Generalizations About Discipline

The concept of discipline is largely misunderstood. The term is derived from an old English word meaning instruction. A derivative of the term is disciple, which means pupil or student. Contrary to its definition, most people equate discipline to the use of punishment or penalties in response to children’s misbehavior. For discipline to be effective, however, parents need to view it in light of the term’s original meaning.

First, discipline is teaching children to behave in ways considered appropriate by their parents, teachers, and other caregivers. Discipline is the means by which children are taught to internalize the rules, values, and beliefs that will help them to become effective individuals as adults.

Second, discipline involves measures that help children learn to control their impulses so that they can learn to reason and make appropriate choices for their behavior before acting. These measures also help children learn social skills in considering others’ needs as well as their own, which will facilitate their future participation in work and family life and in other interactions with people.

Third, to be effective, disciplinary actions of a parent must be positive, reasonable, and temperate.

Fourth, methods and strategies of discipline should be geared to a child’s age and developmental level.

Fifth, to discipline a child effectively, an adult must understand the child and his or her particular needs and problems.

Finally, discipline provides structure in children’s lives by means of the rules developed within their family system. Rules are found in both healthy and unhealthy family systems. These act as the means for helping everyone know the guidelines of what serves as acceptable and unacceptable behavior and the consequences of both actions. In healthy family systems, negotiable rules abound. Children in healthy families learn that the rules are for their protection and freedom. They know they can talk with their parents about making occasional exceptions to the rules.

Children’s misbehavior is often a primary focus of parental attention. This preoccupation, which may be more of a problem to the adult than to the child, can be traced to the following questions: (1) Are adult expectations too high for the child’s age and abilities? (2) Are instructions to children given in a negative framework involving an excessive number of “don’ts” rather than “do’s”? (3) Is the adult consistent in enforcing some rules and policies that are not negotiable and at the same time flexible to debate negotiable rules to teach the child conflict resolution and discussion skills? (4) Is the emphasis on teaching children how to arrive at win-win solutions to problems with parental or family rules instead of on the deliberate, conscientious expression of parental power over children when problems arise in their behavior?