Parenting Solutions: Dependent

Why Change?

Of course we love our kids to death and hate to see them fail. We want them to come to us for advice. We hate the thought (at least most of the time) that they'll leave us someday and be out on their own. But the truth is, one of our most important parenting roles is to prepare our kids for the future so that they can survive and thrive someday without us. That also means that if our kids are too dependent and rely on us to be their problem solver, make the hard calls, and be their bodyguards, they are probably going to have a tougher time out there on their own. That means we need to start slowly cutting that umbilical cord so that our kids aren't so dependent on us.

Late-Breaking News

Are We Raising a Generation of Dependent Kids?

According to the 2002 census, there is a clear trend among today's twenty-something kids: a large number are moving back home after college. In fact, 60 percent say they plan to live at home after graduation, and 21 percent say they plan to remain there for more than a year.³ It may be time to do some serious thinking as to how we raise our kids so they are less dependent on the comforts of home. Otherwise, hold off on the new house designs!

The first step is to change our parenting response and start helping our kids learn the habits they need in order to be able to stand on their own two feet without our holding them. It's the best way to help our children become more self-sufficient, resourceful, and independent—so that they can succeed in life without us. There's a wonderful Navaho proverb that sums up what parenting for this change is all about: "We raise our children to leave us." Keep those words in mind—they'll help you find dozens of daily opportunities to help your kids learn to be more resourceful and less dependent.

One Simple Solution

Four Steps to Help Kids Master Any New Skill or Habit

Pick one age-appropriate and doable job that you can teach your child. Use these four steps whenever you feel your child is mature enough to master this or any new skill and move toward independence.⁴ For example, suppose you want to teach your child to load the dishwasher:

1. Show. First, load the dishwasher while your child watches. Explain each step in the process.
2. Guide. After she watches, your child helps you do the task. Keep explaining each step until you are sure she can do the task independently.
3. Check. Don't leave just yet! Watch her do the task a few times until you are sure she can do it alone. Offer her feedback, correct any wrong steps, and encourage her efforts.
4. Step away. Once she masters the skill, expect her to do it alone. No more help or rescue!

The key is always to choose a task set at your child's level and then break it into smaller, achievable parts so that your child is capable of success and can do it alone.

Signs and Symptoms

Here are a few common behaviors that may indicate that your child is too dependent in areas that she is capable of handling alone. Any one behavior can be a sign that your child is too dependent.

• Is unassertive, more a pushover or follower
• Is wary, hesitant, or anxious by nature; has a more reserved temperament
• Is fearful of venturing too far away or leaving you out of sight; clingy
• Lacks drive and motivation; needs to be "jump-started"
• Falls back on her safe but limited repertoire; does not take chances or explore
• May seek help by acting younger
• Acts helpless: may avoid new tasks or old responsibilities by using an "I can't do it" manner
• Often regards new people and situations "too cautiously" or "too skeptically"
• Doesn't take responsibility; waits for someone else to do the job or start the task

If your child only displays dependent, clingy behaviors when interacting with you or other family members, this may be a relationship issue and not a real dependency problem. So watch how she responds in other settings and with other people. If she acts noticeably more resourceful and independent in other situations, maybe it's your interaction with your child that needs changing and not your child.

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Identify the underlying reason. Your first step to solving this problem is to figure out why your child is so dependent. Here are common reasons kids are too dependent. Check ones that apply to your child:
  • Is developmentally or mentally delayed; incapable of achieving at the level of her peers
  • Fears failing a task or letting you down; is a perfectionist
  • Feels insecure or unsafe due to a traumatizing event, such as a divorce, a death, moving, a new illness, an accident
  • Has separation anxiety: is fearful she will "lose" you either physically or emotionally
  • Is never given responsibilities; expectations are set too low for her capabilities
  • Is too impulsive, easily frustrated, or quick tempered to stick with a task
  • Is always rescued; somebody is always there to pick up the pieces or do the task
  • Has "youngest kid syndrome": everyone does everything for her
• Identify your current parenting response. Would any of these traits describe your parenting mode? And would the rest of your family agree with your verdict?
• Set a "No More Excuses" policy. Have you found yourself making excuses for your kids or taking on their responsibilities? "My son is so tired; I'll do his homework tonight." "My daughter is too busy; I'll do her chores this time." It's an easy habit to get into, but if you want to raise a resourceful kid who doesn't always depend on you, these are major parenting no-nos. So set a new house rule: "We have a new policy: no more excuses. You need to take responsibility." Then stick to that rule!
• Reinforce assertiveness. If you want your child to untie herself from your apron strings (when she's ready, of course) and be able to stand up for herself, then encourage her to speak for herself. And bite your tongue whenever you feel the urge to be your kid's translator ("What she really means is …") or ventriloquist ("She's shy, so let me tell you what she wants to say"). Kids learn habits young, so the sooner you let your child speak for herself and not become dependent on you, the better.
• Talk about their future. Encourage your kids to think beyond the here and now: going away to camp, changing schools, going to college, living in an apartment, making career choices. Discussing your children's lives in the future can be part of your dinner table conversations. Sure they can change their minds (and majors), but the goal is to help your child think toward the future and realize that someday she really won't be living with you. (If you're a parent of a tween, that day may arrive much sooner than you think. Get moving!)

Step 2. Rapid Response

• Create a new parenting mantra. Instead of "Always give a child what she wants" or "Do anything you can for a child," change your mantra to "Never do for your child what your child can do for herself."
• Back off with small steps. What tasks might your child be capable of doing herself instead of relying on you? Maybe it's time for her to learn to make her own lunch, do laundry, make her bed, or call to make her dentist appointments? Of course, this will depend on your child's age, maturation, and current capabilities. The goal here isn't to overwhelm her by piling on your new expectations, but to gradually introduce one new task at a time beginning at the level your child can easily control, so the task is not daunting but achievable.
• Track your child's progress. Suppose your daughter cries and wants you to stay when you leave her at school. Of course your goal is to help her feel more secure so she can walk alone, but that change may take a while. So stick to your goal, but also take brief daily notes to help you track any progress. Without jotting down your notes, you may not realize that your child's behavior is changing or know that maybe you need to change your parenting response. For instance: "First day: cried 30 minutes. Holds on for dear life." "Tues: cried 29 minutes." "Wed: cried 27 minutes but less clingy." Just remember: new habits generally take around twenty-one days to change. So stay the course! "Day 30: Sara walked into class by herself with no tears!"
• Be patient. Nurturing independence in an overly dependent child will take time, so be realistic. Forget what the other kids can do or are doing. Your expectations should be aimed at gently stretching your child, moving her from where she is now to what you think she is capable of achieving. Just do remember to acknowledge any effort—big or little—your child makes to be more self-reliant.

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

Your parenting goal is to help your child develop habits tailored to her level that will help her become more self-reliant and independent. Here are skills every child needs in order to be more resourceful and less dependent. (See Indecisive, p. 100.)

• Teach brainstorming so that your child can solve problems without you. The next time your child has a problem, don't be so quick to offer a solution. Instead, teach her how to brainstorm options. First, say to your child: "Tell me what's bothering you." (You might need to help her find the words: "I can't think of anything to bring for sharing.") Express your faith that she can work things out: "I know you'll come up with a solution for your sharing."Then encourage her to brainstorm ideas. "Don't worry how silly your idea sounds. Just say it, because it may help your think of things to share." You might even call it "The Solution Game"; just remind your child to use it whenever she encounters a problem. With enough practice, your child will be able to use brainstorming to solve many troubling issues that creep up during the day.
• Boost organizational skills. Is your child misplacing library books? Unable to find his sports gear? Losing teacher notes? Chances are your child's lack of organization is a big reason why she depends on you. Learning how to be organized is a skill your child will need for managing her own life; the goal is for her to rely less and less on you as time goes by. Here are a few common "dependency" problems with simple solutions that enable your child to start assuming more personal responsibility. And once you teach the brainstorming habits in the previous tip, your child can generate the solutions.

Problem: You are her personal calendar, Palm Pilot, job and event reminder.

Solution: Your child hangs a calendar in her room and marks her library due date on it: "Return library books every Wednesday." Your child uses a white board and grease pen to mark her weekly music lessons, soccer practice, field trips, sharing days, and spelling tests. Little kids can draw picture reminders.

Problem: You constantly play search and rescue for her lost items. Solution: Your child places the repeatedly lost item (backpack, sports gears, coats, mittens) at a designated spot—at the front door, in an ample desktop basket, or on a hook—before going to bed.

Problem: You are her wardrobe consultant in the morning rush hour. Solution: Your child lays her clothes out at night.

Problem: You're always "Big Ben." Solution: Your child learns to set a simpleto- use alarm clock each night so that you're not screaming "Wake up!" fifty times every morning.

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler   Preschoolers are too distractible and impulsive to do some things alone, such as crossing the street or wandering alone in the grocery store, but they can do simple tasks. They start venturing off, but still come back to ensure you're there. At three to four years of age, they can dress themselves (though buttons, zippers, and shoe tying are still difficult), make simple decisions regarding two or three choices (the red or green dress), and do easy chores (water plants, empty wastebaskets, clean a counter).

School Age   Attention span, confidence, and coordination are increasing, and school-age kids have learned that rules and authority figures must be obeyed. They should be able to follow basic instructions, complete simple chores, care for personal belongings, and work independently. At age six, a child can brush her teeth⁵ and shower without help (though she may need help with hot and cold knobs) and can answer the phone saying "Who's calling please?" At age seven, a kid is ready for her first sleepover, but only to the home of a good friend (it may take longer to spend the whole night without being homesick). At age eight, a child can write down phone messages with some accuracy; she is coordinated enough to pack her own lunch and do various chores around the house to help out. (See also Chores, p. 538.)

Tween   Fine motor skills are fully developed, and tweens can understand the reasons and consequences behind certain safety issues. At age twelve, a child can use a sharp knife or tool and "watch" a younger school-age sibling, though she should never be responsible for minding a baby or toddler unassisted. Most experts agree that children of thirteen are responsible enough to babysit.

One Simple Solution

The Five Questions That Tell You If Your Kid Is Ready for Independence

There is no set age when kids are "old enough" to do a specific activity or task alone (going on a sleepover, staying home, crossing the street), but there are developmental and safety issues to consider. Here are questions to help you gauge if your child is ready for more freedom or if you're pushing her toward independence too quickly. Answer yes to each item before you untie those apron strings!

1. Your child has the necessary skills and maturity to handle the specific task or situation alone.
2. Your child can answer your "What if?" questions about safety and a possible emergency. In our dishwasher example, you might ask, "What do you do if you see water and suds overflowing the dishwasher and running all over the floor?"
3. Your child is trustworthy and can be counted on to keep her word.
4. You have watched her do the task a few times, and she has proven she can do it without you.
5. Your instinct says, "She's ready!" Rely on your gut reaction.

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Sacramento shares:

My child was always hesitant to try things without me standing by her side. I found that role-playing situations first with me made her feel less needy. Before she went to her first sleepover, for example, we had several practice ones at home. And she finally got a classmate to stop teasing her by first acting out ways to tell the girl to leave her alone. The role-plays helped her learn to be more resourceful and less dependent on me.

More Helpful Advice

Raising a Thinking Child (also Raising a Thinking Tween), both by Myrna Shure

"I Think I Can, I Know I Can!" by Susan Isaacs and Wendy Ritchey

Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strenghttp://www.education.com/admin/content/entries/edit/reference/all/66364/th, Hope, and Optimism in Your Child, by Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein

Ready or Not, Here Life Comes! by Mel Levine

The Myth of Maturity: What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults, by Terri Apter