Supporting the Development of Self-Esteem

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Spend a week watching children, and try to identify the observations that make you smile and think, "Everything is all right with that child." They will probably be observations in which the child is smiling and exuding a sense of mastery. Think of the child who has just learned to walk. All he wants to do is walk. His arms are outstretched, he is leaning over his feet a bit, and his feet move forward trying to keep up with his enthusiasm over his newfound power. Although he does not have the words to express what he is experiencing, he seems to be saying, "Look what I can do! Here I come world!" His enthusiasm is contagious and one cannot help but smile and take delight in this newly developed skill. Listen to toddlers who exclaim, "Me do!" or "Do again!" Watch toddlers insist on doing things for themselves. Watch them smile and jump up and down and even flap their hands when they complete a challenging task. Listen to preschoolers who say, "I can do it by myself." or "Watch and see how high I can pump on the swing." or "I think I can do the hard one." One can conclude from watching these children that they feel very good about themselves, and that they are on their way to building a powerful sense of self-esteem. Often, parents' major wish for their children is that they do develop a positive sense of themselves. A statement often echoed by parents is, "I just really want her to feel good about herself." How is it that some children develop a positive sense of themselves and others do not? How do you talk to young children so you have a sense of what they are feeling about themselves? How do you help young children to be realistic in their expectations for themselves as they experience their wishes and disappointments?

Self-Esteem and Young Children

Parents are absolutely right in knowing that a child's self-esteem is a very important factor in healthy development. Studies (Harter, 1988, 1999) of self-esteem have found that high self-esteem in childhood is connected to satisfaction and happiness in adulthood. Conversely, low self-esteem in childhood is connected to depression, anxiety, and maladjustment in school and later relationships. The challenge for adults who interact with young children is to know how to support the development of a positive sense of self-esteem. In order to know how to do this most effectively, it is important to understand some developmental principles and to understand the results of research that have described the parental characteristics that lead to high self-esteem in middle childhood.

The Drive toward Progressive Development.  All children are motivated to move forward in their development. Some do so at different rates, but it is easy to observe this drive whether one watches a 12-month-old learning to walk or children in kindergarten trying on the roles of adults in their play. Theorists differ when they describe the source of this motivation. Robert White (1960) aptly described it as "effectance, the motivation to explore, manipulate, and master the world." After repeated experiences with such exploration, manipulation, and mastery, children develop feelings of competence. It is these feelings of mastery or competence that build a positive sense of self-esteem. When the drive toward progressive development is not present in a child, it is easy to see his lack of investment in developing competence and one questions what has gone wrong in the child's development to cause this arrest.

Supporting Children's Struggles with Dependence and Independence.  Young children's growing autonomy and independence can only develop and thrive if they have developed trusting relationships with significant caregivers. It is through these relationships that they develop a sense of trust in themselves and others and are given the ability to become more separate and independent. Even though they are interested in being independent, they still need to know that they can come back to that secure base and refuel and regress if necessary. Sometimes, this ambivalent behavior is confusing for adults who interact with children. Children engaged in the struggle over dependence and independence need to know that this is a normal struggle. They need to feel accepted by the adults. The kind of comment that does not communicate this acceptance is something such as, "Oh, you went off and left mommy, and now you want to come back and be friendly." or "Oh, you don't have to act like a baby." A child is more likely to feel accepted and able to talk about the conflict over dependence and independence if the adult makes comments such as, "Sometimes it is hard to know if you want to be a big boy or a baby. Sometimes it is just too hard to be a big boy all of the time." It is this kind of acceptance by the parent or other adults that has been found to be a characteristic that supports the development of self-esteem in children (Coopersmith, 1967).

There are many times when the acceptance of the child is easy. For instance, when they are happy, involved, and compliant, this task is very easy. It is when they are irritable, clingy, stubborn, and provocative that it becomes more difficult to be accepting. It is important to note that being accepting does not necessarily mean that the adult allows the child to engage in the latter behavior to an extreme. Rather, the accepting adult is able to acknowledge and accept the affect behind the difficult behavior and, at the same time, communicate that she or he does not condone difficult behavior such as kicking, hitting, screaming, etc. The unaccepting adult shames the child for his or her behavior. For example, "Stop clinging. You are a big girl and you do not need to do that, and you are going to make me fall." The accepting adult is able to communicate expectations without shaming the child. For example, "I know you are feeling nervous about coming to a new place. But I am going to stay with you, and I can help you better if you can hold my hand and talk with me about what is worrying you." Although the child may not be able to say anything at the moment, he or she has at least been understood and given some strategies to use to cope with a difficult situation. The child has also learned that it is possible to talk about difficult situations.