Supporting the Development of Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem and Young Children

Parents are absolutely right in knowing that a child's self-esteem is a very important factor in healthy development. Studies (Harter, 1988, 1999) of self-esteem have found that high self-esteem in childhood is connected to satisfaction and happiness in adulthood. Conversely, low self-esteem in childhood is connected to depression, anxiety, and maladjustment in school and later relationships. The challenge for adults who interact with young children is to know how to support the development of a positive sense of self-esteem. In order to know how to do this most effectively, it is important to understand some developmental principles and to understand the results of research that have described the parental characteristics that lead to high self-esteem in middle childhood.

The Drive toward Progressive Development.  All children are motivated to move forward in their development. Some do so at different rates, but it is easy to observe this drive whether one watches a 12-month-old learning to walk or children in kindergarten trying on the roles of adults in their play. Theorists differ when they describe the source of this motivation. Robert White (1960) aptly described it as "effectance, the motivation to explore, manipulate, and master the world." After repeated experiences with such exploration, manipulation, and mastery, children develop feelings of competence. It is these feelings of mastery or competence that build a positive sense of self-esteem. When the drive toward progressive development is not present in a child, it is easy to see his lack of investment in developing competence and one questions what has gone wrong in the child's development to cause this arrest.

Supporting Children's Struggles with Dependence and Independence.  Young children's growing autonomy and independence can only develop and thrive if they have developed trusting relationships with significant caregivers. It is through these relationships that they develop a sense of trust in themselves and others and are given the ability to become more separate and independent. Even though they are interested in being independent, they still need to know that they can come back to that secure base and refuel and regress if necessary. Sometimes, this ambivalent behavior is confusing for adults who interact with children. Children engaged in the struggle over dependence and independence need to know that this is a normal struggle. They need to feel accepted by the adults. The kind of comment that does not communicate this acceptance is something such as, "Oh, you went off and left mommy, and now you want to come back and be friendly." or "Oh, you don't have to act like a baby." A child is more likely to feel accepted and able to talk about the conflict over dependence and independence if the adult makes comments such as, "Sometimes it is hard to know if you want to be a big boy or a baby. Sometimes it is just too hard to be a big boy all of the time." It is this kind of acceptance by the parent or other adults that has been found to be a characteristic that supports the development of self-esteem in children (Coopersmith, 1967).

There are many times when the acceptance of the child is easy. For instance, when they are happy, involved, and compliant, this task is very easy. It is when they are irritable, clingy, stubborn, and provocative that it becomes more difficult to be accepting. It is important to note that being accepting does not necessarily mean that the adult allows the child to engage in the latter behavior to an extreme. Rather, the accepting adult is able to acknowledge and accept the affect behind the difficult behavior and, at the same time, communicate that she or he does not condone difficult behavior such as kicking, hitting, screaming, etc. The unaccepting adult shames the child for his or her behavior. For example, "Stop clinging. You are a big girl and you do not need to do that, and you are going to make me fall." The accepting adult is able to communicate expectations without shaming the child. For example, "I know you are feeling nervous about coming to a new place. But I am going to stay with you, and I can help you better if you can hold my hand and talk with me about what is worrying you." Although the child may not be able to say anything at the moment, he or she has at least been understood and given some strategies to use to cope with a difficult situation. The child has also learned that it is possible to talk about difficult situations.

The Importance of Clear Limit Setting.  Another factor found to support the development of self-esteem in children is the ability of adults to set clear limits for children (Coopersmith, 1967). Setting limits for children becomes a challenge during the second year. It is during this year that children have growing sense of autonomy and independence. They usually wish for omnipotence both in themselves and the adults in their lives. They often try to obtain this omnipotence by wanting to be the boss of everyone and everything. You can hear the words as early as 15 months, which emphatically state "Mine." "Me do." "No." Some older and somewhat more articulate 2-year-olds might express the wish for omnipotence quite clearly. "Because I want everyone to do what I want them to do." At 18 months, children recognize their reflections in the mirror, and between 18–24 months they begin to refer to themselves with pride. As they recognize themselves as independent, they begin to make plans on their own and begin to see that sometimes their plans and activities are not what the adults want them to do. As they test the limits, they develop a growing sense of what is right and what is wrong as appropriate limits are set for them. Even though they test the limits constantly, they long to be accepted and loved in the eyes of the important adults in their lives. The limits need to be set in such a way so that the children gradually realize they cannot be omnipotent, nor for that matter can the adults. Whenever limits are set, children are helped if they are not shamed for testing the limits, and if adults can help the children to find an alternative activity that might help them feel competent. For example, children who keep trying to play with the pots on the stove may be able to satisfy the urge to be like mommy or daddy when they cook by having their own drawer of pots and cooking utensils that they can play with while their parents are cooking. Children who are given the cooking utensils to play with have at least experienced that their urge to be like mom and dad is a good one and one that is valued by the people that they love. This kind of confirmation of one's wishes clearly leads to the building of self-esteem.

Parents' Respect for Individuality.  A third factor (Coopersmith, 1967), which has been shown to be linked to the development of self-esteem in children, is the parents' respect for children's individuality. Children who feel that they can be themselves and have their own interests, even if they are different from their parents, are usually able to develop a positive sense of self.

Preschool Children's Wishes to Be Grown-Ups.  When children exit toddlerhood and enter the world of preschoolers, they usually have reached some resolution about their wishes to be omnipotent. Those who have done so successfully feel positive about their growing independence as well as their growing competencies. They begin to feel very grown up. They wish to be like grown-ups. Remember the 3-year-old boy who announced proudly to his mother, "When I am four and I am a man, I will get a car." They focus quite a bit of their play on trying on the roles of adults. Thus, you see preschool classrooms in which family scenarios are played out. Usually the biggest struggle children have in this play is deciding who will play the roles of mother and father. Most of the children are vying for this role and work very hard to resolve the conflicts connected with this dilemma. The other kind of play that is most often seen in preschool classrooms is that in which children are taking on the roles of superheroes. They are constantly battling large and dangerous foes and ending the battles in victory. They do not have much time to enjoy the victory because battles begin anew. This play may seem very limiting and repetitive, but it often has an important purpose. Because preschool children wish to be like the grown-ups in their world, they are constantly disappointed by the fact that they are smaller, less powerful, and less competent than the adults. The more they experience these disappointments, the more tenacious they may become in their interactions with adults and in their insistence in playing these games of superheroes in which they are the grown-ups in control. Their wish to be bigger and stronger is often so powerful that adults interacting with these children feel they have to limit the power the children seem to have. They may even feel compelled to struggle with the children over who really is bigger, stronger, and in control. The delicate dance that adults have to perform is to be able to set limits for children when appropriate while helping them face their disappointments without jeopardizing their self-esteem.

Just as limit setting and respect of children's individual styles is important to the building of self-esteem in toddlers, it is just as important in interactions with preschool children. Three-, four-, and five-year-olds have better developed language skills than toddlers. They can use their language to express their feelings and describe their experience of themselves. They can use the models adults give them to make some sense of their confused and conflicted feelings when they experience disappointments and conflict. Adults often mistakenly think that young children should not experience conflict or disappointment, and they offer children only praise and constantly try to bend over backwards so that children will develop a positive sense of themselves. Actually, this kind of approach to supporting a child's self-esteem usually leads to children who are unhappy and unable to tolerate conflict or disappointment. They do not feel comfortable being in charge of everything and push harder for limits, structure, and a more realistic assessment of their strengths and weaknesses. Self-esteem does not develop in children who are duped into thinking that they and their world are perfect, because no one is perfect. Children who do not experience conflict or disappointment are not able to develop strategies to cope with failures or disappointments and may often be devastated when they have such an experience. The result of this can lead to children feeling depressed and not positive about themselves at all.

Children's Reactions to Limit Setting and Adult Expectations.  It is clear that children watch adults very carefully. Children are exquisitely aware of adults' reactions to them. It is the adults in children's lives who provide them with the standards against which children measure themselves. If adults expect children to be perfect, then children will feel that they can never measure up to these impossible expectations. If adults cannot set limits for children, children will not develop their own set of inner controls and will not feel good about themselves as they continue to test limits, looking for someone to support them in developing self-control. There are many ways in which adults can talk with children about their wishes and disappointments, as well as their developing sense of themselves. When they do this, it is important to talk with children in such a way that they know that the adults are interested in their ideas, reactions, and feelings.

Helping Children to Talk about Conflicts

Because children at different ages are struggling with different conflicts, it is important to be able to address them around their developmental struggles. If they successfully negotiate their developmental struggles, then they gradually build their self-esteem. The more success they have at each developmental level, the more able they are to take on the challenges of the next level. Nobody completely resolves conflicts and developmental tasks, but children develop personality traits and coping strategies, which help them to address these developmental challenges. They are helped to address these challenges when they are encouraged to talk freely about their thoughts and feelings. Although there is no specific script adults can follow as they are talking with children about their developing sense of themselves within the context of their developmental challenges, there are some ways to think about addressing some of the issues and challenges from one developmental level to the next.

The most important thing to remember when talking with children about their wishes and disappointments and their developing self-esteem is to listen to them first and not immediately tell them they are not able to do something because they are too little or not strong enough. Clearly, children need to be protected from doing things that are too dangerous and beyond their capabilities, but if they are told no as soon as they express their idea, they may feel that they cannot have such ideas and wishes and may feel they cannot do anything well. Adults need to set limits for children, but they can do so within a context that acknowledges the child's thoughts, feelings, and ideas and offers children a perspective on what they are capable of doing and how they are growing, changing, and learning. Let's turn to some specific examples from children in both the toddler and the preschool phases of development.

Toddler Conflict.  Toddlers are often heard saying, "No!" "Me do." and "Mine." They get into struggles with their parents when they cannot have their own way, and they can have very long, drawn-out tantrums when they do not get their way. They wish and long for omnipotence, and they become disappointed when neither they nor their parents have such power (Mahler, 1975). They are very persistent in trying to get such power, but they are always relieved when someone sets a limit for them. They go through a process in which they gradually give up the wish for omnipotence as they develop a of independence and more reasoning in their thinking, and when they are helped to feel confident and competent about their developing skills. Sometimes, when toddlers are at their most tyrannical, adults feel that they have to get into a struggle with them and often want to follow the impulse to say, "I'm the boss. You cannot be the boss. You are too little." Although it is true that the adult is the one who must ultimately be in charge, these kinds of statements shame young children and tend to make them feel that they cannot have their own wishes and ideas.

What Adults Can Say to Struggling Toddlers.  There are things adults can say to toddlers that will allow them to feel all right about the wishes they have, but that will, at the same time, help them to develop a more realistic sense of themselves and their world. Adults can say to a toddler who insists on being the boss of everything and everyone something such as, "You wish you could be the boss of everyone." The child may respond with something such as, "I am the boss." The adult could respond with, "Yes, you are really learning to be a good boss of yourself. You can be the boss of your toys and some of the things you like to do. You cannot always be the boss, and I have to help you or stop you from doing something that I think is not safe." Adults can also say, "Sometimes, the grown-ups have to help children when they are having a hard time being good bosses for themselves." These kinds of statements acknowledge children's wishes and desires and also give them an opportunity to respond with questions or a restatement of their wishes. While children may be disappointed because they cannot run the world, they will not be made to feel ashamed about having those wishes and will begin to see how they can achieve a part of their wish by developing their own competencies and hearing from others how they are growing and learning. It is important to know that children need to hear these comments from adults many times and in many different situations. The development of self-esteem and the ability to develop appropriate expectations of oneself is an ongoing process.

Helping Preschool Children to Talk about Conflict.  As children move out of toddlerhood and into the preschool years, they begin to experience a whole new set of developmental challenges. Children of this age are curious about everything. As they are further refining their sense of themselves, they begin to be very aware of the differences among their age-mates. They become interested in the differences between boys and girls and men and women. They are also exquisitely interested in the world of adults. They want to be like adults, and they may often look like little adults in their play as they imitate the important adults in their lives. The difficulty they have is that their attention is being constantly brought to the fact that they are not adults and that, in fact, they are very small and impotent compared to the adults they know. This does not stop them from trying to find ways of being more like their parents or older children they know. Consider the 4-year-old boy who wants to wrestle with his dad. He will often go into the wrestling match believing that he can actually win the match, but very soon he becomes aware of his father's strength and power and how little he is in comparison. If his father is truly holding back in the match, the boy may become hopeful that this time he will be victorious and intensify his efforts to the point that he either hurts his father or challenges his dad enough so his dad then feels he has to win the wrestling match. More often, the end result is the little boy feeling that he is little and not very powerful. Although this is a disappointment for a child, it does not necessarily mean that his self-esteem will suffer. Children will have reactions to such disappointments that they need to talk about and express their longings about, and there are ways in which adults can help them to do this.

What Adults Can Say to Preschool Children Who Wish to Be Grown-Ups.  When preschool children insist that they can do what grown-ups do, adults can respond in such a way so that they do not extinguish the hope the children have about getting bigger. Sometimes, children can be so aggressive and provocative in their bids to be grown-ups that adults are pushed to make very unhelpful comments such as, "No, I am bigger than you and you cannot do that." or "You are not a grown-up. You are only a little girl and little girls do not get married." Just as adults need to help toddlers to develop a more realistic perspective on the subject of their omnipotence, so they also need to help preschoolers realize that they can be competent, strong, and mature without actually being adults. It is always useful to talk with children about how much they wish for something. For example, it is helpful to say, "I know you wish you could be a grown-up, and you are upset because you cannot always do what the grown-ups do." It is also helpful to give children some hope by saying, "Someday, you will be a grown-up and you will be very big." The child may respond, "But I am a grown-up." The best way to respond to such a comment is with something such as, "Yes, you do wish so much to be a grown-up that sometimes it seems that you already are." It is also helpful for adults to give children a perspective on how rapidly they are growing and changing. Adults can say things such as, "Not so long ago, you did not know how to climb on the climber and you needed mommy to push you on the swing. Now you can do those things all by yourself. That is really a sign that you are getting to be a bigger girl." They can also comment on their children's physical growth. "At one time, you weren't able to reach the sink without standing on the stool, and now you can. You are really growing." Adults can also encourage children to think about the world of grown-ups. They can say, "I wonder what you will like to do when you become a grown-up. I wonder what your children will be like." Comments such as this encourage children to value their own ideas and wishes. They also give children the opportunity to think and respond, which gives them some feeling of control; and children have the opportunity to think about their unique qualities and interests. Helping children to value their own ideas and wishes also builds on children's developing sense of themselves as individuals. When children respond to these questions, adults can have a deeper look into their inner worlds.

Conclusion

The development of self-esteem is a very important component of healthy development. Children are naturally motivated to move forward in their development. They need trusting relationships, appropriate limits and expectations, and the experience of being appreciated and accepted for their individual thoughts, feelings, and ideas in order to develop a positive sense of themselves. Adults need to constantly help children to develop appropriate expectations for themselves by engaging them in conversation about their ideas and wishes. Adults always need to acknowledge wishes and help children see that although they are not adults they are still able to be competent, strong, and mature in a way that is developmentally appropriate.