Disciplinary Practices, Parenting Styles, and The Development of Self-Discipline

Parenting Styles and Disciplinary Practices

We are aware that the temperament and cognitive styles of some youngsters from birth make it more difficult for them to develop self-discipline than their peers. However, even considering the noticeable influence of these innate factors on a child's functioning, we must appreciate the vital role that caregivers assume in nurturing self-discipline in children. All children need adults in their lives who will assist them to think before they act, to reflect upon various options to challenging situations, to realize that different consequences follow from their choices, and to take responsibility for their behavior.

It is our strong belief that disciplinary practices that are based upon a resilience model (i.e., practices that reinforce the characteristics of a resilient mindset) will prove to be the most beneficial in supporting the emergence of self-discipline. Adults must keep in mind that discipline derives from the word disciple and is best understood as a teaching process. As a form of education, children should not associate discipline with intimidation, humiliation, or embarrassment.

If discipline is placed in the context of an educational process, parents can ponder, "What are the main goals of discipline?" While many answers may be forthcoming, we believe that discipline has two major functions. The first is to ensure that children have a consistent, safe, and secure environment in which they can learn reasonable rules, limits, and consequences as well as develop an understanding of why these are important. The second function, equally important but not as readily emphasized, is to nurture self-discipline or self-control.

We have found that many parents, some who are well-intended, may not demonstrate behavior to nurture self-discipline in their children. When parents are reactive, crisis-oriented, overly punitive, harsh, belittling, arbitrary, or inconsistent, the positive goals of discipline are likely to suffer. The development of self-discipline is also compromised when parents have very different disciplinary styles or when parents are hesitant to set limits for fear that their children will be angry with them; some children take advantage of this fear by telling parents they don't love them when consequences are enacted. Finally, children will struggle to develop self-discipline when parents impose unrealistic expectations for behavior, resulting in children becoming increasingly frustrated and angry.

Psychologists and other child development specialists have examined the impact of different parenting and disciplinary styles on children. Diana Baumrind distinguished three major styles, which we outline below.

Authoritative: These parents demonstrate warmth and involvement with their children. They offer emotional support, but are also firm in establishing guidelines, limits and expectations. They listen actively to their children and encourage them to make their own decisions. When appropriate, they involve their children in the process of creating rules and consequences so that their children learn to understand and appreciate the rationale for rules. They focus on positive feedback rather than on punishment. Very importantly, authoritative parents recognize that discipline is most effective when housed in the context of a loving relationship. Also, the love shown is unconditional and not based on the child performing or behaving in a particular manner.

Authoritarian: Although the words authoritative and authoritarian sound similar, the parenting styles that are associated with each are very different. Authoritarian parents are frequently not warm nor nurturing. They do not easily take their children's feelings into consideration and tend to be more rigid, imposing rules without discussing the rationale with their children. They are quick to say, "You do it because I told you to do it" or "You do it because I'm your mother (or father)." They resort to authority and whether they realize it or not, they basically seek compliance and obedience. Authoritarian parents may certainly show love, but more often than not it is conditional, predicated on a child behaving in ways that parents deem appropriate. Authoritarian parents are likely to resort to corporal punishment rather than a problem-solving approach when they feel their children are not complying with their demands and/or have transgressed in some fashion.

Permissive: These parents are most noted for their failure to establish realistic goals, expectations, and limits for their children. Baumrind identified two kinds of permissive parents, the permissive-indulgent and the disengaged. Permissive-indulgent parents may demonstrate love and warmth, but they appear guided by the philosophy that "children will learn on their own." They have difficulty setting rules and limits. The child begins to "rule the roost." If parents eventually attempt to establish limits and say "no." the child will often resist, having become accustomed to being in charge. It is not unusual for the parents to become exhausted and eventually defer to their child's demands.

Disengaged parents do not indulge their children but rather fail to provide structure and emotional nourishment. They are often neglectful. The attachment between parent and child is tenuous at best. The positive connections that serve as the foundation for emotional development and well-being are absent.

In his book How to Handle a Hard-to-Handle Kid psychologist Dr. C. Drew Edwards summarizes outcome research associated with these different parenting styles. He notes, "Children of authoritative parents tend to have healthy self-esteem, positive peer relationships, self-confidence, independence, and school success. They also seem to have fewer emotional difficulties than people who are raised with other styles of parenting. These children cope well with stress, strive toward goals, and balance self-control with curiosity and interest in a variety of situations."

Authoritative parents are not only the most effective disciplinarians in promoting self-discipline when compared with the other disciplinary styles, but in addition they are more likely to nurture a resilient, hopeful mindset in their children.

The outcome for children raised by authoritarian parents is in marked contrast to those growing up in households of authoritative parents. Edwards observes, "Research has shown that children of authoritarian parents may become inhibited, fearful, withdrawn, and at increased risk for depression. They also may have a difficult time making decisions for themselves, since they're used to being told what to do. Authoritarian parents don't tolerate much disagreement, so their children tend to struggle with independence."

Edwards states that while some children of authoritarian parents are seemingly well-behaved and present themselves as "good" children, others begin to resist the demands of their parents and a negative, angry parent-child cycle dominates.

Children raised by permissive-indulgent parents are described by Edwards as classic "spoiled" children. "They tend to be noncompliant with other adults. They are demanding, low in self-reliance, and lack self-control. They don't set goals or enjoy responsible activities. They may be pleasant and well behaved as long as things are going their way, but become frustrated when their desires aren't met."

The disengaged style "seems to have the most negative effect upon children. These children are at high risk for emotional and behavioral problems, academic difficulties, low self-esteem, and alcohol or substance abuse." It is little surprise to learn about this outcome for children with disengaged, neglectful parents since they have failed to experience unconditional love and acceptance.

As you reflect upon these different disciplinary styles, consider which style best describes the one you use with your children. Ask, "Is my style closest to an authoritative approach? If not, what must I do to become an authoritative parent?" Your answers to these questions and the subsequent actions you take will be very influential in determining the ease with which your children develop self-discipline and lead a resilient lifestyle.