Sandra Echavarria struggles to convince her six-year-old son to take a bath in the evening. When she nags, yells, or threatens him with punishment, he gets upset, and sometimes has a tantrum. So recently she’s been giving him choices: he can take his bath at night or get up earlier for a bath before school. She’s happy he takes a bath—he’s happy because he gets a choice.
Giving children limited choices is part of “positive parenting,” a strategy that helps parents minimize yelling and spanking. Negative methods can teach children what you don’t want them to do, but not what you do want them to do, says Echavarria, a bilingual parent educator with Santa Rosa’s California Parenting Institute. “If you have to spank your child repeatedly, or you’re always yelling, it may be time to try something else,” she adds.
Families and parent educators share other positive parenting strategies:
Think about your own childhood
“Parents tell me they were hit or yelled at when they were young,” says Gonsalo Toscano, program director for the Frandelja Child Care Center in Bayview Hunters Point. “I ask them, ‘How many times did you say, “When I grow up, I’ll never do that to my children?”—and now you find yourself doing the exact same thing.’ They light up and say, ‘Yeah, you’re right.’ Our true model of parenting is our parents and we’re all doing the best we can.”
“We know more about child development now,” adds Homer Teng, a family support counselor at Joy Lok Family Resource Center in San Francisco, “and how (negative discipline) affects a child’s self-esteem. (Punishment) might get you immediate obedience but in the long run, a positive approach will get you a relationship with your child.”
“I feel (that) yelling and demeaning is even worse for black and Latino children,” says Marguerite Wright, mother of four and a psychologist. “It’s harmful for all children, but for children of color, it’s reinforcing (society’s) message that you’re not worth that much.”
Model the behavior you want to encourage
Regina Whitaker says her toddler “follows me around. She notices I wash my hands, I put the towel back on the rack. We’ve told her she should brush after every meal and she always reminds me. It’s important we don’t just tell our kids what to do, but that they see us doing those things.”
When a child is disrespectful to a parent, says Wright, the most powerful thing is to say, calmly, “I don’t speak to you like that and you don’t speak to me like that.”
Focus on what children are doing right
When Echavarria is nagging and frustrated with her son, nothing gets accomplished, she says. When she praises him for putting away his toys, he’ll smile at her. “Then I can easily ask him for help with something else,” she says. “When children see we are pleased with them, they are more likely to do other things to please us.”
“My two-year-old decided she was done wearing Pull-ups,” says Whitaker. “She had an accident and put the underwear in the hamper. I could have said, ‘Why did you put it there? It’s wet, you should put it in the sink.’ Instead, I praised her for putting dirty clothes away. Then I told her, ‘Next time, put them in the sink.’”
Give limited choices
“My two-year-old wanted to eat what she wanted, when she wanted,” says Whitaker. “After talking with her doctor, I opened the refrigerator and let her make choices. She looks inside and asks, ‘What’s this?’ and I say, ‘Let’s try it.’ As long as the refrigerator is stocked with healthy foods, it works for both of us.”
When families have company, Teng suggests parents tell children: “You can play quietly in the grown-up room or you can make noise in another room.”
Set limits and consequences
Fion Chan, San Francisco mother of a nine-year-old, recalls how her son “would want to spend two hours or more watching television or playing games.” Now she sets clear limits: he can play half an hour, help with dinner, then play half an hour more after dinner. “It has helped us without any more yelling,” she says.
When her grandson had a hard time getting his chores done, San Francisco grandmother Beauvlen Latimore helped him make a chart. “If he fills in his chart by the weekend, he knows we can have Saturday to do something he wants. (Otherwise) he has chores to finish on Saturday,” she says.
“If he’s had a fight after school or not listened to his teacher,” she adds, “he always helps decide the punishment (such as no television). When he has a say, I know he really understands what he’s being punished for.”
Encourage kids to help each other
“From a traditional Mexican perspective,” say Toscano, “younger siblings respect older siblings (like) they do their parents. Positive discipline (lets) older siblings pass on what they’ve learned from their parents to younger siblings.”
Be flexible
“It’s important to find ways to adapt to (your child’s) personality,” says Whitaker, recalling when her toddler “was doing flips and bouncing all over the apartment. But rather than making her stop, I put pillows on the floor and let her have fun.”
“Sometimes I know my grandson had a rough day and I’ll say to him, ‘Come crawl up with me and let’s watch your favorite TV show together,’” says Latimore. “There has to be lots of room for flexibility.”
Talk about feelings
“One thing I’ve done to reduce the yelling,” says Latimore, “is to talk together about our day. I’ve told him when I have a bad day, I need a few minutes to myself. Sometimes, he’ll ask me, ‘Grandma, do you need five minutes?’ And sometimes I’ll say, ‘Do you need a hug?’ He’s learning that if he takes a few minutes to himself or asks for an extra hug, it can help him not.
Resources
- First Five California has videos and a parent kit in English and Spanish, 800-KIDS025 or 800-50NINOS, www.ccfc.ca.gov
- Positive Discipline Association provides information on a specific parenting program called “positive discipline”, including books, workshops, and tips for parents. www.posdis.org
- For more resources, see www.4children.org/news/507pfle.htm
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