It Works for Both of Us: Parents and Parent Educators Share Positive Parenting Tips

Sandra Echavarria struggles to convince her six-year-old son to take a bath in the evening. When she nags, yells, or threatens him with punishment, he gets upset, and sometimes has a tantrum. So recently she’s been giving him choices: he can take his bath at night or get up earlier for a bath before school. She’s happy he takes a bath—he’s happy because he gets a choice.

Giving children limited choices is part of “positive parenting,” a strategy that helps parents minimize yelling and spanking. Negative methods can teach children what you don’t want them to do, but not what you do want them to do, says Echavarria, a bilingual parent educator with Santa Rosa’s California Parenting Institute. “If you have to spank your child repeatedly, or you’re always yelling, it may be time to try something else,” she adds.

Families and parent educators share other positive parenting strategies:

Think about your own childhood

“Parents tell me they were hit or yelled at when they were young,” says Gonsalo Toscano, program director for the Frandelja Child Care Center in Bayview Hunters Point. “I ask them, ‘How many times did you say, “When I grow up, I’ll never do that to my children?”—and now you find yourself doing the exact same thing.’ They light up and say, ‘Yeah, you’re right.’ Our true model of parenting is our parents and we’re all doing the best we can.”

“We know more about child development now,” adds Homer Teng, a family support counselor at Joy Lok Family Resource Center in San Francisco, “and how (negative discipline) affects a child’s self-esteem. (Punishment) might get you immediate obedience but in the long run, a positive approach will get you a relationship with your child.”

“I feel (that) yelling and demeaning is even worse for black and Latino children,” says Marguerite Wright, mother of four and a psychologist. “It’s harmful for all children, but for children of color, it’s reinforcing (society’s) message that you’re not worth that much.”

Model the behavior you want to encourage

Regina Whitaker says her toddler “follows me around. She notices I wash my hands, I put the towel back on the rack. We’ve told her she should brush after every meal and she always reminds me. It’s important we don’t just tell our kids what to do, but that they see us doing those things.”

When a child is disrespectful to a parent, says Wright, the most powerful thing is to say, calmly, “I don’t speak to you like that and you don’t speak to me like that.”

Focus on what children are doing right

When Echavarria is nagging and frustrated with her son, nothing gets accomplished, she says. When she praises him for putting away his toys, he’ll smile at her. “Then I can easily ask him for help with something else,” she says. “When children see we are pleased with them, they are more likely to do other things to please us.”

“My two-year-old decided she was done wearing Pull-ups,” says Whitaker. “She had an accident and put the underwear in the hamper. I could have said, ‘Why did you put it there? It’s wet, you should put it in the sink.’ Instead, I praised her for putting dirty clothes away. Then I told her, ‘Next time, put them in the sink.’”