Establishing Appropriate Limits

Limits must be communicated to children in ways that they will understand and remember. Recall from the guidelines for direct guidance given in Chapter that, in addition to having few rules, it is most effective to state those rules succinctly and positively. Thus the three basic limits can be stated as follows:

• Be safe.
• Be kind to others.
• Take care of our room (or school).

Adults can teach the meaning of these concepts by noticing and appreciating examples of positive behaviors.

• “You're using both hands on the climber, Maria. That's a good way to keep yourself safe.”
• “It was kind of you to let Jeb have a turn on the tricycle, Eduardo.”
• “Thanks for picking up that paper, Kamiko. It makes our playground look really nice.”

Adults can also point out, calmly and nonjudgmentally, the times when children transgress these limits:

• “When you tip your chair back like that, Bosah, you could fall and hurt yourself. Be safe and keep all four chair legs on the floor.”
• “Pinching hurts. See? Ava's crying.”
• “I'll help you pick up the puzzle pieces from the floor, Jerome. If they get lost, we won't have those puzzles to play with. We all need to take care of our school.”

Adults must be realistic about how closely or how quickly they can expect children to comply with limits. A young toddler's version of “be kind” might include giving a favorite “blankie” to a crying playmate. But it might not preclude taking an exploratory nip on that playmate's arm, just to see the interesting reaction. Four-year-olds, eager to test their growing physical prowess, will probably need many reminders to “be safe,” particularly if their environment contains inappropriate hazards. Wise adults consider learning about limits to be a work in progress for young children, a goal toward which they constantly strive, though they may never reach it completely.

No matter how carefully you establish and enforce limits, there will be children who, for one or more of the reasons discussed earlier, will be unable to comply with them. Their challenging behaviors will require all your knowledge, skill, and tenacity. Remember that while your immediate goal may be to stop the undesirable behavior, your long-term goal is to help children reach their potential to be well-adjusted, self-directed, productive adults. This means there is no one-size-fits-all solution, no magic bullet that will work in every situation to eliminate a troublesome behavior.