The Problem
- My child is being teased. How can I get this to stop?
Background: Characteristics of Teasing
Teasing is defined as critical remarks directed at another child. It does not include intimidation or threats, the topic of Chapter Twenty-Four, or rumors, which are spread when a child is not present. Rumors are addressed in Chapter Twenty-Two. Studies suggest that teasing is the most common form of victimization in elementary school, where younger children tease primarily by name-calling while older children tease by disparaging the victim or the victim's family.1
Teasing can attack the dignity of family members (especially moms, because it hurts more). Anything that will get someone upset, or get laughs at another's expense, will do as a tease. Teasing may be humorous, but the humor is a sarcastic comment made at the expense of the victim, and frequently it is done in front of onlookers. Many victims of teasing also tease others at times.2
The dominant motivation reported by teasers is their pleasure at the discomfort of the victim.3 Children who are effective at stopping teasing employ humor in response to being teased.4 This response is rated by onlookers as most effective, and the children who use it are rated as friendly and popular.5
First-grader Lara, for example, makes her classmate Kim's life miserable. At first Kim joins in playing tag with other children, but Lara is quick to point out that Kim is a slowpoke and calls her dumb. None of the other girls wants to risk being teased along with Kim, so none of them says anything. After a while, Kim asks to stay in at recess, ostensibly to help the teacher, because she is afraid of being teased.
Kim's mother is upset when Kim tells her about the teasing. She knows that if she tries to do anything about it herself, Kim will look worse to the other girls. It would also give Lara something more to tease Kim about and make Kim feel even more awkward.
Why do kids tease? Do they pick on the child who is different just because she is different? This is not the real reason. Two examples will demonstrate this. Both involve overweight second-grade boys, Donald and Timothy:
Overweight but not teased: Donald is clumsy in sports, can't throw a ball well, and runs in an uncoordinated way. He is very polite, well groomed, and considerate of others. He is an average student, enjoys riding his bicycle and skating, and he plays goalie on his soccer team. Several boys always want to make play dates with Donald.
Overweight but frequently teased: Timothy is a pudgy eight year old. Two of his classmates enjoy calling him "Fatty" because when they do, he gets tearful, chases after them, tells them they are not being nice, or threatens to tell the teacher. This makes them laugh. Sometimes he says nothing but hits the teaser, which gets him in trouble with the teacher and yard monitor. Timothy's responses to being teased have made the teasing more fun for the teasing children, since now the children provoke him to hit them in order to get him into trouble.
If being overweight were a reason to be teased, both boys would be teased. No one teases Donald because what he lacks in physical graces he makes up for in social graces, including how to respond to being teased. Children who are constantly being teased don't know how to respond. Before presenting responses to teasing, you should be able to make the distinction between teasing and tactless feedback.
Teasing Versus Tactless Feedback
Ten-year-old Mark wants to be included in all basketball games regardless of the skill level of the other children relative to his. While he was playing with some boys who were much better at basketball than he was, he allowed the ball to be stolen from him while dribbling and missed three shots to the basket, which boys on the opposing team recovered. This distressed the other members of his team. Finally, one boy from his team said to him, "Mark, you stink!"
This was not teasing, where the primary intent was to get Mark upset for the entertainment of the teaser. It was just a tactless way to tell Mark that he had considerably less skill at basketball than the others he chose to play with. A healthy response here was for Mark to play with other boys closer to his skill level in the future so that everyone would have a better time. Dealing with it as teasing would not solve the problem.
Ineffective Responses to Teasing
Children tease because it's fun for them to see someone become upset. Timothy's two classmates get him upset by calling him "Fatty," and he continues to be teased because his responses are babyish and ineffective. Although only a small minority of kids will tease Timothy, some of the other children laugh at his graceless response to being teased. The two children continue teasing Timothy because they enjoy his reaction and they like making the other children laugh at his expense.
Telling the teacher may work in first grade, but by second grade, children view this as babyish and teasing continues ("tattletale"). Walking away from the teaser sometimes works. But what if Timothy or Kim is playing with others? Do they stop playing when they are teased? The key for Timothy and Kim is not to cry, get angry, or shrink from playmates but to learn effective comebacks.
Solving the Problem: Teach Your Child to Make Fun of the Teasing
My experience shows that the most effective technique you can teach your child is to make fun of the teasing: your child makes fun of the teaser's inability to tease well. This is different from teasing back: your child does not sink to the level of the teaser but shows through humor that the teasing does not upset him (even if it does). Children who learn this tell me they have success the first time they use it. They get sympathy from onlookers and take away the fun of teasing.
Mothers are better than fathers at getting their child to practice responses to teasing. If the teasing is about Mom (for instance, "Your mom's fat") and Mom doesn't seem to care about the content ("So what?"), then it takes a lot of the hurt out of the teasing. Your child no longer feels he has to defend the family honor, so he has less reason to be upset when he's teased. Here's how to teach your child what to do.
Step 1: Get as Much Information as You Can About the Teasing
Use the listening skills you learned in Chapter Seventeen to talk about the teasing in a calm, matter-of-fact way. This will help neutralize your child's hurt feelings. Find out who is doing the teasing and as much information about what they are saying as your child will comfortably say. Don't get angry or laugh at the teasing, and don't give advice at this point. Only gather information. Making suggestions too early will end the conversation before you get the information you need.
The best way to neutralize the hurt of teasing is to remain neutral yourself. Don't focus on your child's feelings about being teased. This helps the teaser, since he is succeeding in making your child feel bad and think about how bad he is feeling. Focusing on his feelings will also make it harder for your child to use effective comebacks to teasing. Be patient and let your child tell about it as slowly as he wants:
Mom: How did things go in school today?
Timothy: [Visibly upset] Okay.
Mom: Did something happen today that you would like to tell me about?
Timothy: No.
Mom: Okay.
Timothy: [After ten minutes of silence] The other kids were teasing me again today.
Mom: [In a serious tone] Oh, I see. It happened today?
Timothy: Yes.
Mom: Who teased you today?
Timothy: A whole bunch of kids.
Mom: What did they say?
Timothy: Sam called our family the "fat butts," and the other kids laughed.
Mom: [Serious but neutral tone of voice] Was Sam the only one calling us the fat butts, or was someone else doing it also?
Mom watches Timothy's reaction when she says "fat butts." If Timothy doesn't react, Mom continues to use "fat butts." If Timothy becomes upset, Mom refers to it as "the teasing" after this point:
Timothy: Just Sam, but the rest of the kids laughed.
Mom: Does anyone else tease you besides Sam?
Timothy: No, just Sam, but the other kids laugh. Timothy had said all the kids tease him, but he now realizes it is only Sam:
Mom: Is this the only thing Sam says to you when he teases you?
Timothy: No. He says I come from the fat family.
Mom: You know, I don't care if Sam calls me fat, so you don't have to worry about me.
Mom makes this last statement (regardless of how accurate it is) after she gathers the facts. It helps Timothy stay calm the next time he is teased. However, this will not be enough to take care of teasing. Sam won't give up unless Timothy makes fun of the teasing.
Step 2: Rehearse Making Fun of the Teasing with Your Child
Teach your child what to say in these situations to take the fun out of teasing with a simple, humorous comeback but without teasing back. Your child will answer every tease with a different reply. When he focuses on the comeback, he will no longer sound hurt and will thus take the fun out of being teased. Read aloud the following list of replies to see if your child likes any of them:
(half-heartedly) "Boo-hoo" (pretending to rub one eye with closed fist).
"So what?"
"Can't you think of anything else to say?"
"I heard that one in kindergarten."
"That's so old it's got dust on it."
"That's so old it's from the stone age."
"I fell off my dinosaur when I first heard that."
"Tell me when you get to the funny part."
"And your point is..."
"Talk to the hand' cause the face ain't listening."
This is not a complete list. You and your child can probably think of more.
You can now practice how your child will respond to future teasing:
- Have your child pick ways to make fun of the teasing from the list above or similar statements.
- Practice several replies to teases, remembering that a mildly disdainful tone of voice is important. Practice each several times.
- Laugh with your child after each reply he tries.
Making fun of the teasing shows the teaser that your child
- Is not going to cry or get angry.
- Thinks teasing back is beneath him.
- Has an answer for any teasing.
- Is actually having fun delivering the comebacks instead of focusing on the hurt the teaser is trying to inflict.
With a younger child (below third grade), you have to tell him exactly what to say—and keep it simple (only a couple of words). With an older child, try getting him to use replies from the above list of examples or have him come up with his own. Here's how it's done:
Mom: [Reads the above list to Timothy] Want to try any of these? What might you say the next time Sam calls us the fat butts? Remember, don't sink to his level and tease him back. You have to show him teasing is not going to get you angry anymore.
Timothy: [Reads from list without any intonation] "I've heard that one before."
Mom: [Laughing] Yeah, that's a good one [repeats in a confident, mildly disparaging tone of voice]: "I've heard that one before." So what do you say when Sam calls you fatty again?
Timothy: [This time with a little more confidence] "I heard that one before."
Mom: [Laughs] Yeah, that's a good one. Let's try some more. What other one do you like?
Timothy: "That's so old I fell off my dinosaur when I heard it."
Mom: [Laughs] That's great. So what do you say after Sam says you're one of the fat butts?
I find that one session is all the practice most children need.
Step 3: Ask If Your Child Used the Technique and Whether It Worked
I always like to find out how my advice turned out. The next day, Mom has this conversation with Timothy:
Mom: Did you get a chance to try making fun of Sam's teasing?
Timothy: Yeah, he teased me and I said, "So what?" He didn't say anything. He just walked away.
Mom: That's great!
The first time Timothy makes fun of his teasing, Sam will not know what to say next. He will either stop teasing, or when he tries again, he will stop after Timothy comes up with one or two different replies. That's why it is better to rehearse several replies, so that your child will not run out of them before the teaser runs out of teases.
Sometimes children will say the technique didn't work. The two most common errors they make is that they didn't have more than one good comeback and they stumbled over an unrehearsed comeback that ruined the punchline. Both of these errors require you to rehearse more comebacks again.
The Next Step
You've helped your child deal with teasing without your getting into the thick of it. The next chapter shows you how to deal with a tougher form of meanness: rumors.
Notes
1 Perry, D. G., Kusel, S. J., & Perry, L. C. (1988). Victims of peer aggression. Developmental Psychology, 26, 807-814.
2 Samivalli, C., & Nieminen, E. (2002). Proactive and reactive aggression among school bullies, victims and bully-victims. Aggressive Behavior, 28, 230-244.
3 Warm, T. R. (1997). The role of teasing in development and vice versa. Journal of Development and Behavioral Pediatrics, 18, 97-101.
4 Perry, D. G., Williard, J. C., & Perry, L. C. (1990), Peers' perceptions of the consequences that victimized children provide aggressors. Child Development, 61, 1310-1325.
5 Scambler, D. J., Harris, M. J., & Milich, R. (1998). Sticks and stones: Evaluations of response to childhood teasing. Social Development, 7, 234-249.
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