You’re Not the Boss of Me!
Assertiveness looks like a big word, but it’s easy and important for you to understand. It means that you can defend your beliefs and take care of yourself. You have a right to take up for your beliefs, feelings, thoughts and opinions. You need to develop skills in order to do this.
Can you do any of the following?
- Are you able to refuse doing things that aren’t right?
- When you don’t agree with someone are you able to speak up and share your views?
- Can you avoid things that will hurt you?
- Can you avoid letting other people influence your decisions?
- Do you have confidence in your own judgment?
- o you ask for help when you need it?
Here are some steps to help you stand up for yourself:
- Decide what you want to change and believe in your rights. (For example: A friend is always telling you what to do.)
- Describe to the other person involved, the situation as you see it. Be specific. (“You’re always bossing me.”)
- Describe why you feel as you do using an “I” statement. Be firm, strong, look at the person and be sure of yourself. (“I feel irritated because I can take care of myself.”)
- Describe changes you’d like made. Be specific about what actions should stop and what should start. Be reasonable and willing to make changes in return. (“I want you to stop always telling me what to do, and instead, ask me what I’d like to do.”)
Now, pick a situation that you want to change. It could be with a friend or with someone in your family. Maybe someone hurts your feelings when they tease you, or maybe someone is bullying you. Go through the four steps. You might want to practice with another person, your pet or a stuffed animal. Remember, you have the right to be who you want to be!
Planting Seeds to Independence
What kind of person are you going to become? Think about words that describe who you are
now and who you want to become as you become more independent.
Responsibility
Do you know what it means to be responsible? It means that you can be depended upon and can handle the results of your actions. Are you a responsible person? Ask yourself the
following questions to help you find out. Write your answers on the lines.
Do you quit when you are not doing well? _____________________________
Always keep trying.
Do you control your temper or do you throw things, scream or hit when you don’t get your way? ____________________________________________
Always control yourself. Wait your turn, and show courtesy and good manners.
Are you a good loser? __________________________________________
Win with grace. Don’t brag when you win or make excuses when you lose. Take pride in how you play the game, not just whether you win. Always remember the importance of not harming others by words or actions. Everyone has a right to meet his or her own needs.
Go For It!
Self-Actualization means working to reach your goals and being eager to follow your dreams. It means knowing what you want to do in life and caring about improving yourself. Work on skills in order to know who you are and in order to have a full life.
Sometimes it takes courage to try a new skill because you are afraid you might fail or be embarrassed. Try being a risk taker. Pick a skill you’d like to develop. It could be something as
simple as being a better listener or being on time. It could be something harder, like volunteering answers in class. Use the flowchart below to help you. Each time you practice your skill, write it in the next box. Be a confident goal setter – you can do it!
Do You Care?
Do you care about the needs and feelings of others? In each of the situations below, choose the answer that shows concern for the feelings of others.
1. A small girl is crying because she is lost in the store. You…
a. take her home with you.
b. yell for her parents.
c. tell her to stay where she is until her parents come to find her.
d. stay with her until her parents or some responsible adult comes.
2. Your friend’s grandfather is dying of cancer. You…
a. tell her that her grandfather will be all right.
b. tell her about the time your Mom broke her wrist and how hard it was on the
family.
c. spend time with her so she knows you are available when she needs someone.
d. tell her you are glad to help in any way you can as long as it isn’t during
cheerleading practice or Saturday.
3. Your friend, Jeff, missed catching the ball and the kids are laughing at him. You…
a. laugh, but quietly.
b. hit the kids who are laughing at him.
c. tell Jeff you’ve missed catching the ball and it’s no big deal.
d. tell Jeff he can have someone coach him.
4. The new boy at school doesn’t have friends yet. You…
a. stare at him when you pass in the hall, but you don’t speak.
b. go up to him and invite him to sit with you at lunch.
c. whisper about him with your friends.
d. wait for him to speak first.
5. Your friend says his backpack is too heavy. You…
a. suggest he carry some of the items in his arms.
b. offer to help.
c. suggest he leave something out.
d. tell him “too bad.”
If you chose the following answers you are a person who can put yourself in another person’s place, realize how they feel, and then show that person understanding.
(1. d, 2. c, 3. c, 4. b, 5. b)
Friendship Chain
Do you know what it means to be a friend? A friend is a person who knows and likes another person.
Are you a good friend? Would you like to be a better friend? Think about your friends and what you like about them. Then do the activity below.This activity is about all of your friends, not just your close friends. That includes classmates, neighbors, cousins, any adult or child that you can call a friend. You will need construction paper, scissors, glue and markers or crayons.
Cut your construction paper into strips. You will need one for each of your friends.
On one side of each strip, write the name of a friend. For each friend you can use different colors and even certain colors. You can put the name of your friends on a strip of their favorite color. On the other side of the strip, write what you like about that person.
Make a chain by forming one color strip into a circle and gluing the ends together. Next, take another color strip, loop it through the strip you just made and glue it so that you are
making a chain. You might want to do this activity with a friend.
Even if you are shy and don’t have many friends, you can do this activity. You will probably find out that you have more friends than you thought. Did you find out you knew more about your friends than you thought?
Did you find you had more friends than you thought? Did you find some qualities that you would like to have in yourself?
Choices
For the next few days, pay close attention to your actions. Write down things you say and do that are responsible actions. Also, write down things you say or do that you realize are
not responsible actions.
Action I throw my clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper._____
Responsible? No
Reactions of Others My Mom gets upset and fusses.
I Learned I disappoint my Mom and feel badly about what I did
Action __________________________________________
Responsible? _____________________________________
Reactions of Others _______________________________
I Learned _______________________________________
Action __________________________________________
Responsible? _____________________________________
Reactions of Others _______________________________
I Learned _______________________________________
Action __________________________________________
Responsible? _____________________________________
Reactions of Others _______________________________
I Learned _______________________________________
Action __________________________________________
Responsible? _____________________________________
Reactions of Others _______________________________
I Learned _______________________________________
Action __________________________________________
Responsible? _____________________________________
Reactions of Others _______________________________
I Learned _______________________________________
Get Real!
Read the following story to help you learn more about facing and handling situations that cause worry.
Kevin will be going to a new school in September. He has worried about it all summer. He is concerned about meeting new teachers and students. Kevin is smart and has made some plans to make the first day easier. He has memorized a map of the school and has also decided to try to imagine the first day. He’s going to use all of his senses and thinks of all the details he can in order to make himself feel more comfortable. He begins by imagining walking into the school and what it feels like to have everyone look at him because they don’t know him. He notices that the school smells fresh and clean. He pictures saying “hi” to the first boy who looks like he could be in the same grade. He imagines going into the classroom and looking around. The side of the room with the windows looks sunny and inviting to him, and a friendly-looking boy is sitting there. While he sits waiting for class to begin he feels the warm sun on his back and hears the rustle of paper and quiet voices of friends greeting each other. Soon some of the kids began asking him about himself. Kevin imagines they would ask him his name and where he used to live. He imagines asking one of his classmates if he can sit beside him at lunch.
By picturing what the first day might be like, Kevin is not as afraid. He is realizing that it won’t be as bad as he felt. Try to visualize some situations yourself by completing the table below.
Write or draw what you imagine. Use as many of your senses as you can. For example, speaking up in class or making a foul shot.
Choosing Between Two Things
Have you ever been in a situation where you had to choose between two things and couldn’t make up your mind? Think about a time when you had to choose one thing over another because you couldn’t do both. Maybe you wanted to buy two toys and only had money for one, or maybe you were invited to go to two places at the same time. Think about it for a few minutes and then answer the following questions.
How did you feel about giving up the thing you didn’t choose?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
How is making a decision like taking a chance?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
If you had it to do over, would you make the same decision? Why or why not?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Is the best choice for one person the best choice for everyone? Why?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Flexibility
Do you know what it means to be flexible? It means you are able to adjust to various changes. Read the story below to see how the members of one family adjust to a change in
their plans. Marla’s family was watching a movie together. They didn’t get to see the end. Something went wrong with the set and the picture disappeared. The family adapted to their change in plans by playing a board game. Instead of letting a problem ruin their fun, the members of this family found other ways to have a good time. See how well you are able to adjust to changes. Read the following statements and underline your choice.
You have been placed in a work group with kids you don’t like. You…
- try hard to work well with them.
- get annoyed because all of your friends are all together in another group.
- don’t put forth a lot of effort.
Your school basketball team is losing by 40 points. You…
- cheer as loudly as you can.
- cheer for the other team.
- sit quietly and do nothing.
You and your friend are meeting to watch the school basketball game together. You’ve been waiting for 15 minutes and the game is about to begin. You…
- wait 5 more minutes and then go on in.
- go call your friend.
- go into the game and then call her that night to let her know how angry you are.
If you chose “a” for each of your answers, you are well on your way to being a flexible person.
Solving Problems Discussion Group
Objectives: Identify meaning of conflict and practice solving conflict.
Materials: Chalkboard and chalk or chart paper and marker.
Procedures:
- Write the word “conflict” on the board and ask the children for the definition. Make sure they understand that it is a disagreement between two or more people.
- Ask the children to help list words they think of when they hear the word “conflict”. List the words.
- Have the children help put the list of words into negative and positive word lists.
- Use the following ideas to guide a group discussion.
- Why do you think there are more negative words than positive?
- Have someone describe a conflict they’ve had. Have them determine if it was positive or negative.
- Have someone describe a conflict that ended in a way where the results changed for the better and everyone involved felt good at the end.
Use the following situations for discussion in order to practice using conflict resolution.
Jenny was being called names and teased by classmates. She didn’t like it and was starting to not want to go to school. What are some things she can do to get control of this situation?
Bobby and his sister are always arguing over whose turn it is to play the video game. Bobby feels like he is not getting a fair share. He is frustrated and wants to take care of this problem. What would you suggest he might do?
Jeremy and Jason are playing on the same baseball team. They both want to be the pitcher. They end up shouting at each other. What can they do to resolve this?
The Lucky Five
How would you solve this problem? Everyone likes to get up a game of kickball when the classes go out to the playground after lunch. Kelly’s best friend, Mandy, is not a great player. Mandy is usually picked last. Kelly understands that the captains of each team want the best players, but it really makes her feel badly to see her friend suffer because she is the very last one chosen. Kelly has decided to do something about it. She feels like there needs to be a way for the worst players to not feel scared they will stand out. She comes up with a plan and the next day she tells all of the kids about it as they gather to choose sides. Kelly suggests that the last five people not chosen get to pick on which team they want to play. She is ready to point out
that this way everyone will feel like they are important to the team.
Do you think this was a good solution?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Would you try it with your friends?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Can you think of a better solution?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
Relax Before You Break
Do you feel tired? Does your stomach hurt or your head ache? You may be feeling stressed. One of the best things you can do to handle stress is to exercise. You can use any kind of movement to help get stress out of your muscles. Just moving your arms up and down or rolling your shoulders back and forth can help you feel less stressed. You can even do these sitting in a chair or at your desk.
Try some breathing exercises. Close your eyes and sit up straight. As you inhale deeply, slowly count to yourself one, two. Hold your breath on three, and then let the air out for four and five. Hold your breath again, six, seven. Repeat three more times, then open your eyes.
Blowing Bubbles
Do you sometimes find that thinking of something you are soon going to have to do or face makes you feel tense? Maybe you are worried about the first day of school, or maybe you have been assigned to a group at school and you dread being with these particular students. Perhaps you didn’t play well in your last game and now you are dreading the upcoming game. The key is to find a way to calm you.
Here are some activities that may help you relax and get through these stressful events.
- You can think of some phrases to help you get through these stressful events. Here are some examples:
- “I am in a safe place.”
- “It’s okay to feel this way.”
- “That was before, this is now.”
- “I can get help if I need it.”
- “I can get through this.”
- “There is no danger at the moment.”
- You can find a small pebble to carry in your pocket. When you need help to feel calm, put your hand in your pocket and hold your pebble. You can even make your pebble into a “pet rock” by using paint or markers.
Here are some “pet rock” ideas you might use:
- Ladybug
- Bee
- Car
- Dog
- Owl
- Flower
- Get your mind on something else.
- Blow bubbles
- Watch a funny movie
- Call up a friend
- Skip
- Go visit someone
- Jump rope
Lifesavers
Do you ever react to a situation before you give yourself time to think and then regret your reaction? Here are some examples:
- You bought a video game you weren’t planning to buy and then regretted doing it because now you didn’t have money to buy your parent’s birthday present.
- Maybe you shoved someone because they were teasing you. You regret it because it was the wrong thing to do and now you are in trouble. You realize you could have reacted in a better way, using words to describe your feelings instead of action.
- You are watching a special movie. It has 30 minutes left and your Dad comes in and says the family is all going out to dinner. You start yelling and stomping. You are sorry you acted that way because now no one is going to enjoy eating out, your Mom has to cook, and you are grounded to your room for the rest of the day.
Do you react to situations too quickly by hitting or raising your voice? If you do and would like to start breaking the habit, try this idea.
Buy a roll of candy. Focus on pausing and thinking before you react. Every time you are successful, reward yourself with a “lifesaver”.
Positive Thinking
You probably have things about yourself you wish you could change. Some of those things can be changed and some can’t. You don’t have to feel unhappy about the things you can’t change. Remember, negative feelings are caused by negative thoughts. The easiest way to stop feeling miserable is to change thoughts about the thing that is bothering you. Instead of feeling bad or embarrassed, choose one of two things.
- Change the things about yourself that bother you.
- Change your thoughts about yourself you don’t like.
What could you do in each of these situations? Write down what you could do to change your feelings to positive ones.
- You like the color of your best friend’s hair and wish yours was the same color.
- You are sensitive about your weight (too fat or too thin).
- You are short and think that people pick on short people.
- You think you are not good in sports because you’re always the last one chosen for teams.
- You think your nose is too big.
- You are shy and would like to make friends more easily, but you have trouble going up to other kids and starting a conversation.
Put On a Happy Face
Do you want to feel happy? Focus on positive thoughts rather than negative. Here are examples of positive and negative ways of looking at a situation.
Situation: A large family
Negative
- It’s never quiet.
- Everyone has more responsibilities.
- Everyone has to share the toys and games.
- Everyone has to wait their turn for their parents’ attention.
Positive
- It’s never lonely.
- There’s always plenty of help with homework.
- There’s always someone to play a board game.
- Someone will always stick up for you.
A person thinking positive thoughts about being in a large family is a person who is having a much happier life than a person thinking negative thoughts.
Now you can practice being a positive-thinker. Think of a situation that is hard for you. Write down positive and negative things about it. Now, focus on the positive – put on a “Happy Face”
It is important to be happy. Unlock the door to your happiness. Focus on the things and feelings that make you happy and write them down below. Some examples of words to use are “joy” and “fun.”
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