Parenting Solutions: Insensitive

Why Change?

Sensitivity is the glorious ability to recognize another person's concerns. It's a powerful ability that halts violent and cruel behavior and urges us to treat others kindly. But whether our kids will develop this marvelous capacity to be concerned about others is far from guaranteed. Although children are born with the capacity to be sensitive, this feeling must be nurtured, or it will remain dormant. And therein lies the crisis: over the past years, many environmental factors that research has found to be critical to the enhancement of sensitivity and empathy are disappearing and are being replaced by far more negative ones.

Peer cruelty and bullying are escalating; the media—including music lyrics, video games, television, movies, and even real-world news—contain far crueler images; pop idols, sports stars, and political officials too often model shameful insensitivity; and let's face it, adult behavior doesn't always emulate the standards of civility.

But even so, none of those factors should excuse us from parenting for this change. Research shows that sensitivity is a trait that can be taught and nurtured. This entry offers a few proven solutions to sensitize your child's feeling for others and turn any insensitive behaviors around and pronto.

Signs and Symptoms

• Finds it difficult to see a situation from the other person's point of view
• Appears unconcerned if someone is upset or in pain; exhibits low level of empathy
• Laughs or seems to enjoy seeing that someone is in pain or upset
• Doesn't see the difference between friendly bantering and unfriendly teasing or recognize when teasing is going "over the line" and being hurtful
• Is unable to identify or misinterprets another's feelings
• Isn't moved or doesn't become teary-eyed when watching or listening to emotional movies or stories
• Makes crude, unkind, intolerant, or disrespectful comments or jokes to others
• Is unconcerned when someone else is treated unfairly, unkindly, or disrespectfully

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

Identify the reason. The following is a list of the most likely reasons kids are insensitive. What is your best guess as to why your child is displaying this behavior? Once you uncover the reason, you can develop a plan for change. Check those that apply to your child or situation:

• Has been chastised or made fun of for showing his feelings; emotions not acknowledged at home
• Lacks self-esteem; can't reach out to others when he feels he is an unworthy person
• Is copying cruel behaviors; part of a peer scene where "it's cool to be cruel" is the mantra
• Has been allowed to be cruel: hasn't been reprimanded for displaying insensitivity or unkindness
• Is disciplined too punitively; is not treated warmly or respectfully at home
• Has difficulty identifying other people's feelings; lacks emotional vocabulary
• Is angry, depressed, or stressed; is dealing with his own trauma, such as divorce, death, or illness, so has trouble feeling for others
• Has been repeatedly bullied or harassed; has experienced trauma or cruelty; in seeking revenge, acts "insensitive" to cover up hurt
• Is continually exposed to cruelty in the media (television, movies, video games)
• Has a neurological or psychological condition such as Asperger's syndrome or Attachment Disorder that makes it difficult to read emotional cues
• Be sensitive. Your child learns a great deal about sensitivity simply by observing behavior. If you want your child to be sensitive, then consciously demonstrate kind, sensitive behavior whenever you are together. There are so many daily opportunities: phoning your friend who is down, soothing a child, cradling a baby bird, asking someone how she is feeling. After performing the action, be sure to tell your child how good it made you feel! By seeing sensitive actions in your daily words and deeds and hearing you emphasize how being sensitive makes you feel good, your child will be much more likely to follow your example.
• Establish clear behavior expectations. Research shows that parents who express their views about hurtful, insensitive behaviors and then explain why they feel that way tend to have kids who are more sensitive and who adopt those views. Begin by clearly laying down your new policy: "In this house you are always to be sensitive to others." "Jamie is going through a tough time right now, so be sensitive to how she's feeling and don't let Kevin pick on her." "Jason is coming over. I expect you to be kind, or I will have to tell him that he can't play until you are." Then stand firm and be consistent.
• Develop a warm, accepting relationship with your child. In order for a child to reach out and be concerned about others, he must feel accepted. If your child has experienced any trauma, is suffering from depression, or has a stressful or tenuous attachment with a parent, he first needs to rebuild a connection with a caring adult. A warm, accepting relationship with you is what your child may need most right now. Devote your energy to that cause and seek the help of a counselor if needed.

Late-Breaking News

Nine Factors That Increase the Likelihood of Kids' Being Sensitive

Suzanne Denham, author of Emotional Development in Young Children, identified these nine factors that generally increase the chances that a child will be more sensitive to another's feelings:¹⁸

• Age. The ability to take the perspective of others increases with age, so older children are generally more empathic than younger kids.
• Gender. Children are more likely to empathize with a same-sex peer because they feel a greater sense of commonality.
• Intelligence. Smarter kids are more likely to comfort others because they are better able to discern other people's needs and devise ways to assist them.
• Emotional understanding. Children who freely express their emotions are usually more empathic because they are more capable of correctly identifying other people's feelings.
• Empathic parents. Kids whose parents are empathic are likely to become empathic themselves because the parents model those behaviors, which in turn are copied by their children.
• Emotional security. More well adjusted and assertive kids are more likely to assist others.
• Temperament. Kids who are by nature happier and more social are more likely to empathize with a distressed child.
• Similarity. Kids are more likely to have empathy for those who they feel are similar to them in some way or with whom they have shared a similar experience.
• Attachment. Kids are more likely to empathize with their friends than with those to whom they feel less closely attached.

Step 2. Rapid Response

• Call out insensitive actions ASAP. Each and every time your child is insensitive, call him on it. Tell him exactly what he did that was insensitive, and describe the impact of his behavior. "That was insensitive: you didn't stop to think about your friend's feelings when you just left him there. Did you see how upset he was?" Make sure your child understands what is wrong about his actions, why you disapprove, and why you consider insensitivity unacceptable. Then turn the moment into a learning experience to help your child recognize the hurt or pain registered by the other person: "Look how sad you made Kara feel when you teased her about her new glasses. That was insensitive."
• Hold him accountable. If your child continues to display insensitivity towards others' feelings, then it's time to set a meaningful consequence that's appropriate to your child's age and temperament. Your child must recognize that his actions caused pain and that he will be held accountable for his insensitivity. Ask: "Was what you did helpful or hurtful?" "You're right. It was hurtful. And your friend's feelings are hurt. So what will you do to make up for what you did?" Of course, making amends should be tailored to your child's age, temperament, and the "degree of intentionality." (Did your child intend to cause the other person pain? If so, to what degree?)
• Demand an apology. Insist that your child make amends for his insensitivity. Your child could apologize by calling, writing or drawing a note to say he's sorry, offering to try to make up for the unkind act, or even thinking of something to do himself, without asking. Don't assume your child knows how to sincerely and honestly apologize for an insensitive action. You may need to teach your child these three step to a sincere apology:
  1. Say exactly what you're sorry for. "I [say what you are sorry for or what you did], and I'm sorry."
  2. Say how you feel about what you did. "I feel really sad that I told Jenna what you told me not to tell." "I know it made you mad."
  3. Tell how you plan to right the hurt. "I promise to keep what you tell me a secret."

Even if your child has apologized for an uncaring act, he needs to know that it may take time for the hurt to heal and for the hurt person to accept his apology and forgive him.

• Curb consumption of violent media. Be aware of those video games, TV shows, movies, and CD lyrics your child is listening to and watching. Research shows that children who have been repeatedly exposed to more violent television programming are less likely to demonstrate kindness by helping younger kids who are in trouble.²⁰If you feel that media could be contributing to your child's insensitivity, set tighter standards as to what he may not play or watch.
• Enlist the help of others. Have a conference with your child's teacher or coach and state your concerns. Your child needs to know that you neither support nor tolerate this behavior and that other caregivers in his life are on board with you. The way to stop insensitivity is for everyone to be on the same page.
• Seek the help of a mental health professional. If your child's insensitivity increases or if he is intentionally treating children, adults, or animals in a cruel way, please seek the help of a mental health professional immediately.

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

• Expose your child to emotionally charged movies. Robert Coles, Harvard psychiatry professor and author of The Moral Intelligence of Children, believes that one of the best ways to sensitize a child to the feelings of others is through emotionally gripping movies (and books).²¹The trick is to find the right selection for your child. A few favorite kid tearjerkers are ET, Charlotte's Web, Stone Fox, Bambi, The Secret Garden, Old Yeller, and The Velveteen Rabbit. Fill a bowl with popcorn and dig out the Kleenex. Remember to discuss the plight of the character and to describe what pulled your heartstrings.
• Show the effect of sensitivity. Sensitive, kind acts—even small ones—can make a big difference in people's lives, so point them out to help your child see the impact his actions made. "Derrick, your grandmother was so pleased when you called to thank her for the present." "Suraya, did you see the smile on Ryan's face when you shared your toys?"
• Draw attention to nonverbal feeling cues. Pointing out the facial expressions, posture, and mannerisms of people in different emotional states sensitizes your child to other people's feelings. As occasions arise, explain your concern and share what clues helped you make your feeling assessment: "Did you notice Grandma's face when you were talking with her today? I thought she looked puzzled. Maybe she is having trouble hearing. Why not talk a little louder when you speak with her." "Did you see the expression on Meghan's face when you were playing today? She looked worried about something … Maybe you should ask her if everything is okay."
• Use the formula "feels + needs." Michael Schulman and Eva Mekler, authors of Bringing Up a Moral Child, reviewed studies and found that an effective way to increase sensitivity is to ask children questions to help them discover people's needs and feelings.²²Such questions were found to expand children's awareness of what people might be experiencing. As a result, the children became more sensitive to how they might be able to help. To use this approach with your child, look for occasions to draw attention to people's feelings and then ask him to guess what the person might need in order to remedy the feeling. Here is how a parent might use the method:

Parent:   Look at that little girl crying in the sandbox. How do you suppose she feels?

Child:   I think she is sad.

Parent:   What do you think she needs to make her feel better? Child:   Maybe she could use someone to hug her because she hurt her knee.

• Offer occasions to experience kindness. Kids don't learn sensitivity by talking or reading about it, but by actually experiencing it. So look for opportunities for your child to do kind deeds for others that help sensitize him to a range of emotions. There are dozens of ways to get involved, lend a hand, volunteer, or show you care. Food drives, picking up trash in the park, painting shelters for battered women, serving meals at homeless shelters, delivering meals to sick and elderly folks who are housebound, and tutoring are just a few ways to help your child develop sensitivity and feel the joy of caring.
• Praise sensitive, kind actions. One of the simplest and most effective ways of enhancing any behavior is by reinforcing the action as soon as it happens. So whenever you notice your child acting in a sensitive and caring manner, let him know how pleased it makes you feel: "Kyle, I love how gentle you are with your baby sister. You pat her so softly, and it makes me so happy knowing how caring you are."

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Martin Hoffman, a renowned authority on empathy, believes children slowly develop sensitivity to others' feelings in a series of stages.²³The following stages are adapted from Dr. Hoffman's acclaimed work.

Preschooler   Preschoolers are egocentric and more concerned about their own feelings and needs. They begin slowly to develop role-taking capabilities. Young children recognize that someone's feelings may be different from theirs, start to decipher the source of another person's distress, and find simple ways to offer comfort or show support. "You look sad. Your crayon broke. You can use this one."

School Age   Kids gradually begin being able to see things from another person's perspective, so there is a noticeable increase in the child's efforts to support and comfort those in need. School-age children are able to identify and verbalize a wider range of emotions. The ability to use language to comfort others also substantially increases. "That older woman looks frustrated. Maybe she needs help getting across the street."

Tween   Children in this age group can now be sensitive to the plight of not only those they personally know or can directly observe but also groups of people they may have never met. "The people in India look so hungry. If I sent some of my allowance each week, it might make them feel better." Peer cruelty and bullying peak, and tweens are often immersed in a culture where it's "cool" to be insensitive and cruel.

Late-Breaking News

Emory University, Atlanta: Renowned child psychologists Stephen Nowicki and Marshall Duke conducted tests with more than one thousand children and found that one out of ten, despite normal and even superior intelligence, has significant problems with nonverbal communication.¹⁹ The psychologists found that this disability prevents kids from recognizing particular emotional signals that are so crucial in being sensitive to the feelings of others. If this might be the reason for your child's lack of sensitivity, then enhancing his skills in reading nonverbal messages may prove helpful. For more information, read Teaching Your Child the Language of Social Success, by Stephen Nowicki, Marshall P. Duke, and Elisabeth A. Martin.

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Seattle shares:

My mother pointed out that my son was "a bit insensitive." I was mortified and then recognized she was right. Though Jeff is a caring kid, he rarely displayed a sensitive side at home—but did with his friends and certainly with his grandmother. It finally dawned on me that the reason was because I kept my feelings to myself. How should I expect my son to be sensitive to my feelings? I started using situations to describe my feeling: "I'm so excited! My new computer is being delivered to me today." "I'm so tired. The barking dogs kept me up all night." It felt strange at first, but I knew my plan was working when my mother told me she'd seen a change in Jeff. He was more sensitive, and our relationship even improved.

More Helpful Advice

Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Skills That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, by Michele Borba

Raising Compassionate, Courageous Children in a Violent World, by Janice Cohn

Teaching Your Children Sensitivity, by Linda and Richard Eyre

Teaching Children to Care: How to Discover and Develop the Spirit of Charity in Your Children, by Deborah Spaide

The Caring Child, by Nancy Eisenberg

The Moral Intelligence of Children, by Robert Coles