What to do When Your Child is Not Noticed by Classmates

Background: Children Who Hold Back

Some children without friends may have a lot to offer others but hold back and don't try to join others at play. These children have two things in common:

• Their behavior keeps them from being noticed by their classmates.
• Their behavior can be very frustrating for parents because they usually refuse to try anything new.

There are three related behavior patterns to look for: shy, worried, and sad. Although these behaviors have many differences, children who show them are all reluctant to try new things. Table 29.1 will help you determine if one of these patterns is keeping your child from being noticed.

Children Who Act Shy

Deborah, age eight, isolates herself from her classmates, although she is a chatterbox at home. It's the second month of school, and she has not said a word in her second-grade class. Initially the other girls asked if she wanted to join in. But she silently shook her head "no." She is not familiar with many of the games the other girls play, although she is one of the fastest runners of all the girls. They are busy having fun, so they soon give up and stop noticing her. She seems content to play by herself.

Deborah's quiet, cautious temperament is the main reason she acts shy. She also doesn't think that others will value what she has to say. She has always been slow to warm up to new situations, although as she grows older, this is much less true. Studies show that shy children know little about how to make friends.¹

Children Who Are Worried

Fears and worries are a normal part of growing up for many children. Here are some common fears and the typical ages at which they occur:

Studies report that up to 95 percent of children have at least one of these fears while growing up.² These fears do not usually interfere with friendships. Be concerned when your child's fears depart from this by being unusual, especially severe, long lasting, or interfering with activities that other children do at the same age. If any of these conditions applies, your child may have anxiety problems.

Katie is nine years old and afraid to go to sleep by herself. She adamantly refuses to go to other girls' houses for sleepovers. One time she tried to stay over at Evelyn's house for a birthday sleepover, but at ten o'clock that night, she telephoned her parentsto pick her up. The other girls are getting to know each other well and forming friendship groups. Katie is missing out because of her fears.

Katie's parents need to judge whether Katie's fear is keeping her from continuing in a friendship group. Sleepovers are important for strengthening these friendships.

Chris, nine years old going on thirty, is a constant worrier according to his parents. When his gym teacher begins to instruct the class on a new game, Chris becomes agitated and fidgety. The child standing next to him hears him mutter, "I don't get it. The kids are going to make fun of me." Chris's worry about failure distracts him from listening to the rules of the game. When it comes time to start the game, Chris begins to cry and walk away.

Chris has to do things perfectly. He lets this worry spoil a game. He is constantly complaining about stomachaches, headaches, and other worries.

A common, but ineffective, approach that well-meaning parents use is to try to convince the worried child that there is nothing to worry about. But this approach only deepens the worry. A better choice is to get the worried child to try new things without trying to convince him first (worried children think too much and do too little). Telling them in detail about exactly what is to happen sometimes helps. As he does more things, he will worry less about doing them.

Children Who Are Sad

Many friendless children are lonely and sad because they have no one to play with. Their sadness disappears once they are taught how to make friends. Other friendless children have had friends in the past but don't now because they are overwhelmed with other problems.

William's fourth-grade teacher describes him as inattentive and quiet. Most of his classmates don't even know he's around. His mother has seen his grades slip slowly over the past three years from C's to D's. He has stomachaches whenever there is a test at school. Both parents notice that he is always tired and lacks the energy to do things, including playing with other children.

His father frequently picks on him, calling him lazy. William is his only son and is a disappointment to his father. When William's mom brings him in for a comprehensive evaluation at a mental health clinic, he reports thinking about killing himself. This surprises his mother because he never has said anything like that to her.

Sometimes children become sad for reasons that their parents don't understand. Sadness in children is very hard for adults to notice. Parents will feel their depressed mood is just part of the way they are ("He's not very energetic"). Teachers, who usually do notice children's problems, will not notice the sad child because sad children blend into the woodwork and don't cause any problems to others. William's parents and teacher misinterpreted his sadness as laziness and inattentiveness. Childhood should be a basically happy time. If it's not, then something is wrong.

A child who is sad can appear lethargic, cranky, or irritable most of the day. Other symptoms are significant weight loss or gain, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, chronic fatigue, and trouble making decisions.

The sad child may admit to thinking about suicide. Take children who talk about killing themselves seriously if they also have some of the other symptoms I have mentioned. If your child appears sad, consult a mental health professional for an evaluation of your child's problems.³

Solving the Problem: Getting Your Child to Try New Activities

Shy, worried, or sad children don't want to do things. They're not sure they want to play baseball or learn how to swim. Parents I know who successfully manage a child with one of these problems teach the worried child to worry less and do more. Here's how.

Step 1: Pick an Easy Activity at First

Pick something easy for your child to try first. If your child is hesitant to go to camp, for example, try a two-hour class, working up to a day camp. If your child is hesitant to spend the whole night at someone's house, try a couple of hours at first (asking the host's parents if this is okay):

Katie's mom: Thanks for inviting Katie over to Evelyn's sleepover. I'd really like her to go, but she says she's uncomfortable about sleeping at someone else's house.

Evelyn's mom: Oh, that's too bad.

Katie's mom: Could she come for part of it? When she gets there, she might want to stay for the whole night, but I'd be glad to pick her up if she doesn't.

Evelyn's mom: That would be okay.

Katie's mom: I really appreciate this. How late can I call to see if she needs me to pick her up?

Evelyn's mom: We go to bed at 11:00, so any time before then would be fine.

Katie's mom: That would be great. Thanks a lot.

Step 2: Make a Pact

Chris's mom does not allow Chris to make the decision as to whether or not to start a new activity, since whatever the activity, the answer will be no. Instead she sets up a pact with Chris:

Chris: I don't want to go to scouts.

Mom: Why not?

Chris: Because it will be boring.

Mom: I want you to try it for the next two Mondays. If it's boring, you can tell me at the end of each day, and we'll think about doing something else.

Similarly, Katie's mom has her stay for part of the sleepover:

Mom: Do you want to go to Evelyn's sleepover?

Katie: Yes, but I'm afraid to sleep by myself.

Mom: I think you can do it. I want you to try. I've talked to Evelyn's mom, and she says it's okay if I call at 10:30 and talk to you. You can tell me how things are going when I call.

Katie: Call me at 10:00.

Mom: Okay. I'll call you at 10:00.

Step 3: Evaluate the Activity

When Chris's mom picks him up from scouts on Monday, she wants to find out if Chris enjoyed himself. She uses the listening techniques in Chapter Seventeen, so she waits a bit to see if Chris will say something about it. She knows he is most likely to talk about scouts while it is still fresh in his mind. She waits for him to start talking about it during the car ride home. If he doesn't, then she tries a couple of leading questions:

Mom: How was scouts today—interesting or boring?

Chris: It was interesting.

Mom: Good. We will do it again next week. That's when we will decide whether you will continue to attend.

If Chris likes scouts, she stops the appraisals. If Chris doesn't like scouts, then he stops attending.

Similarly, Katie's mom calls at 10:00. She asks Katie whether she's having fun and avoids questions about her fear.

Plan A

If Katie says she'd like to come home, her mom picks her up and brings her back home, apologizing to Evelyn's mother. Here's how she handles this:

Mom: Are you having fun?

Katie: Yes. But I'm still worried I might get scared later.

Mom: I'll come pick you up. Let me talk to Evelyn's mom.

Evelyn's mom: Hi. What's going on?

Katie's mom: Katie's not sure she can stay tonight. I'd like to pick her up in about twenty minutes, if that's okay.

Evelyn's mom: That's fine.

Katie's mom: I'm sorry to cause you so much trouble. Thanks for being so understanding.

Katie's mom picks her up and praises her for staying as long as she did.

Plan B

If Katie says she'd like to stay, praise her for staying.

You may have to repeat steps 1 to 3 several times before your child becomes comfortable. If the problem continues for much longer, then perhaps it is time to seek professional help.⁴

The Next Step

It's hard for most parents to keep after their child to try new things, but you've done it: your child has tried new things. You also know the signs that indicate you should seek professional help for your child. There are many treatments that have strong evidence for their effectiveness, and your child will suffer less in the long run. You are now ready to go back to Parts One and Two to help your child make friends.

Notes

¹ Fordham, K., & Stevenson-Hinde, J. (1999). Shyness, friendship equality, and adjustment during middle childhood. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 40, 757-768.

² Derevensky, J. L. (1979). Children's fears: A developmental comparison of normal and exceptional children. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 135, 11-12.

³ A panel of psychologists has set up the following Web site to provide guidance in this area: http://www.effectivechildtherapy.com/.

⁴ See note 3.