Novato mother of three Melinda Fleming took her children out to eat and told them “Mom and Dad are getting a divorce.” Her oldest son, DeMaurea (now age 15), “had no emotion at all,” she recalls, while her daughter, Daejahnae (now age 8), began to cry.
Fleming rubbed Daejahnae’s shoulder to comfort her while she explained: “(Your father and I) grew apart. We still have memories, we have each other’s families. It’s nothing (you’ve) done. You were the blessing.”
Fleming also used an example from their own lives: “When you graduated from grade school, you were crying and missing your friends. Then what happened?”
“Sometimes I forgot them, sometimes I see them again…I guess we drifted apart,” answered DeMaurea.
When parents split up, children feel the stress of the divorce as well as the changes it makes in their lives. Fleming describes how she helped make the divorce easier on her children.
Talk about feelings
“We used to have a reward jar, now it’s a feeling jar,” says Fleming. “If anyone can’t express their feelings or tell Mom, they write it down and put it in the jar. Then on Tuesday we pull one out and read it. Then everyone goes around the table and talks about how they’re feeling the same way.”
The jar also helped her kids open up when a good family friend was recently killed. “Everyone grieves differently,” says Fleming. “If they couldn’t express it, they would have held it in. (However) they want to express themselves, that’s fine with me. I’m not poking at them, I just let them tell me.”
Children might be angry, sad, withdrawn, or unable to concentrate, adds Elyse Jacobs, program director of Kids’ Turn, an organization helping families going through a divorce. She advises parents to put their own feelings aside as much as possible when talking with their children—taking deep breaths to stay calm, if necessary.
Parents can comment on the child’s mood and ask open ended questions: “I see you are really sad right now. Can you tell me what is making you feel that way?” or “I know you are upset your Mom and I are separating. It must be very hard on you,” says Nancy Lim Yee, program director for the Chinatown Child Development Center. Parents can reassure children that whatever they say is OK, that their parents love them and the divorce is not the children’s fault, she adds.
Answer children’s questions
“Why does the judge make the decisions now? Why can’t the two of you decide?” asked Daejahnae.
Fleming used another example: “What happens when you have a disagreement on the playground, when you’re playing your favorite game with your friends?”
“We go get (the assistant principal),” answered Daejahnae.
“Right, then you hear each other out and walk away being friends. We walk away being better parents,” replied Fleming.
Younger children need simpler explanations about a divorce than older children, adds Lim Yee. She advises parents to answer children’s questions as honestly as they can, in a way that’s age-appropriate.
Keep up with familiar activities
“(DeMaurea) says he doesn’t want counseling, he doesn’t like talking,” says Fleming. “Sports is how he really expresses himself. If he’s angry, he plays harder. I remind him it’s just a game. Now he’s mentoring younger kids who look up to him. He feels like he’s doing something good, like a celebrity.”
After the divorce, Fleming moved and her children had to change schools. “(That was) really hard—my daughter hates it,” she says. She helps Daejahnae stay positive by focusing on what her daughter loves to do, draw and be creative.
Spend time with the kids
Fleming has a weekly family game night. She also set up an activity suggestion box—the kids might get ice cream or get out of cleaning their room. She is also planning “a girl’s night (with Daejahnae), where we can go to the movies and do our nails,” she says.
Lim Yee adds that families can “hug, take a walk together, or share some special time.”
Help kids stay connected to the other parent
The kids go to their dad’s every other weekend, says Fleming, and are disappointed if he is late. “The first couple times I blew up at him when they were at school,” she recalls. But that didn’t help, so “now I let the children make the phone call. Then he’s ‘on his way.’” It’s not a perfect solution, but it works for now, she says.
Fleming’s younger son, Daronn (now age 11), “calls his Dad three or four times a week,” she says. “He started wrestling and got his Dad to come and watch. That was outstanding for him.”
Fleming says Daejahnae feels she has to take sides and say “You’re my favorite parent.” But Fleming tells her that she can have a relationship with both parents.
“I want (my ex-husband) to spend time with the kids,” adds Fleming, recalling how hard it was not have any contact with her own dad for six years when she was young.
Make time for yourself—and seek support
During the divorce, Fleming says she got support from a pastor in her church. “He taught me some amazing things,” she recalls. “He said, ‘Never speak bad or let the children talk bad about the father—he’s still their dad. If you feel like you have something bad to say, write it down.’”
“I made a sign ‘Mom in recess, need ten minutes’ and put it on the bathroom door,” says Fleming. “I lock myself in and write it down and shred it. After that I feel so much better. Or I acknowledge ‘This is where I am, this anger is how I feel’…to help let it go.”
“I really appreciated support (from family),” she adds. Her mother helped watch the kids and keep them active in church. Their uncle takes them to school. Her children have also had counseling to help them deal with the divorce—though Daejahnae is still having trouble, says Fleming, and is on a waiting list for more therapy.
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