Tips for Parents: Social Experiences of Gifted Adolescents

Q: Should parents be concerned if gifted children continue to engage in highly imaginative play into the school years?

S: Probably not. Many seminar participants stated that their PG children are interested in imaginative play up through at least age 12, and some noted that they themselves were very involved in this type of play as children. Such interests may be related to high levels of creativity. Another possibility is that, when there is not sufficient academic challenge at school, gifted students may find their fantasy worlds more interesting than their real environments.

Q: How can parents help gifted children to overcome shyness and let their true personalities show around others?

S: It probably depends on the source of the shyness.

Gifted children and adolescents tend to be very aware that their abilities are not always regarded positively by others. Their apparent shyness may be caution in the presence of new people, to make sure they will be accepted. This actually may be a strength, as long as some friends are made and appropriate trust is developed.

Some kids don’t connect well with schoolmates because they haven’t got enough in common with them. In this case, extracurricular activities (e.g., sports, arts, scouts, church groups) may help provide a common interest around which friendships can be formed. One parent suggested the book Good Friends are Hard to Find, by Fred Frankel, for information about how to “break into” an established friendship group.

Some students may experience anxiety in social situations (e.g., dry mouth, feeling like the throat closes up, the mind going blank). Role plays may help such children develop skills for social interaction that can alleviate such anxiety, and relaxation techniques can directly work against the anxiety itself. In extreme cases, a professional therapist also may help.

Q: How can parents help a child who is put off by “immature” behavior (e.g., profanity, selfishness, arrogance) among classmates, even in gifted pullout programs?

S: Suggestions for finding like-minded kids included Talent Search summer programs, student government, school activities focused on justice (like Mock Trials), service-oriented volunteer opportunities, and community kids’ groups organized around a prosocial topic. One participant suggested that some private schools have a focus on prosocial behavior, although of course financial concerns may prohibit a move to a private school. Of course, the Davidson Gatherings are wonderful ways for kids to meet intellectual peers, and some seminar participants commented that their children’s behavior is completely different at a Gathering than just about anywhere else—more outgoing, more relaxed, more involved in typical kid activities like playing cards or “hanging out.”

Q: Should parents “push” children toward greater social interaction “for their own good?”

S: The answer to this question may depend on whether the child is simply somewhat introverted or has a desire for more social interaction and doesn’t know how to get it. As a psychologist, my first questions are about the child’s adjustment and happiness. If a child spends quite a bit of time alone, but is happy and has the ability to interact well with others when necessary, I wouldn’t worry too much. If the child is not happy, or does not have the skills to develop the kind of social life he or she desires, then help might be appropriate.

Several participants noted that their attempts to “push kids for their own good” have not worked out well, however. Some remembered ill-fated attempts by their own parents to do the same with them. One participant noted that that her family has a rule that a child must try a new activity twice. If the child doesn’t like it after two tries, the activity can be dropped. Sometimes, it turns out that the child really likes something—but if not, his or her wishes are respected. This also frees the child up to try a variety of things and seek a good fit.

Q: What do you do if a child “doesn’t want to be gifted,” doesn’t want to associate with gifted peers, or refers to how he or she “used to be gifted?”

S: Students may struggle to accept giftedness because it makes them different from others. One participant recalled telling her son that he didn’t have a choice about being gifted, and explaining that developing friendships takes time. Various threads in our discussion touched on the need for commonality in friendship, which may be intellectual, but also may be based on interests or general outlook on life. Although some students may talk about how they “used to be gifted,” I suggested considering whether they take challenging courses at school and do their best in them. If a child is willing to take on academic challenge and is keeping doors open for the future, I’d worry less about such talk than if the child were avoiding challenge.

2006 seminar TIPS

This article written by Mary Ann Swiatek as a summary of her 2006 "Social Experiences of Gifted Adolescents" online parent seminar addresses the subject of various social experiences had by gifted adolescents focusing on Developmental Tasks.

Regarding acceleration, both benefits and potential drawbacks were discussed. The families who posted information about their children’s experience of acceleration described situations consistent with research findings. That is, the children were able to manage acceleration socially, even in cases of very early college entrance, and sometimes actually seemed to fit in better after accelerating. That’s not uncommon, because profoundly gifted children typically have more in common with older children than with agemates, especially in terms of interests and ways of thinking about things. In some cases, however, social development lags behind intellectual development, and providing for both can be a challenge. In such situations, participation in age-based groups outside of school can be very beneficial. Parents in the seminar mentioned that their children particularly benefited from participation in activities including scouts, church groups, and band. What turned out to be a bigger concern for several families of accelerated children was lack of organizational skills. A young child in an advanced grade needs to be able to organize work, and some parents felt that the child was resistant to independence and still wanted Mom and Dad to take care things. This led us into the next topic…

Developmental tasks. Organizational skills often don’t develop strongly until adolescence. Some children who are advanced in intellectual skills may still be at age level in the ability to be organized. Of course, there also is a range of organizational ability among adults. Linked to the issue of being organized was that of being independent, which is a key developmental task of adolescence. It’s a time when kids are forging their own identities and separating from parents. Academically advanced children may also be advanced in this area, or may be more like agemates. Sometimes, the way people look at development is based on average-ability people and may not apply to PG children. For instance, skipping all or part of high school and not having the opportunity to attend “the prom” can be seen as a social disaster! Many of us remember things like the prom as fun and exciting, and maybe as milestones in our development. That naturally leads us to believe that such experiences are important for everyone, but that isn’t necessarily true. I mentioned an article (done at the Early Entrance Program at the University of Washington, I believe) indicating that highly accelerated college students acknowledged that they missed out on some things, but generally found it was “worth it” because of all the wonderful opportunities they got by going to college early. Sometimes, there can be pressure to “normalize” PG kids—to make them just like everyone else—apparently because of a perception that being different is unhealthy. Oddly, this tends to be the perception of intellectual gifts, but not necessarily gifts like extraordinary athletic ability. For PG kids, some differences from “the norm” are unavoidable, and that’s okay.

At least, it’s usually okay. In the Personality Characteristics topic, we discussed distinguishing “normal” behavior from behavior that is cause for concern. It’s important to remember that there is a very wide range of “normal” behavior. The issue of introversion was one of the first to arise. Some families commented that their children do not seem interested in initiating social activities with other kids, or prefer to engage in more solitary pursuits, or hang out much more with adults than with other kids. The reasons for such patterns vary. When children do not have access to an intellectually-matched peer group (whether other PG kids or older individuals), they may turn to solitary activities instead. Even with access to others of similar mental age, some people just aren’t all that social. Further, age and gender differences are common. Young children typically do not develop close friendships—it’s not until adolescence that most children develop long-term friendships that are based on real intimacy. Also, girls typically are much more interested than boys in having a close confidante, or a “best friend.” Boys tend to have groups of friends that are based more on activities than on heart-to-heart talks. In general, as long as a child is productive and happy, everything’s probably just fine.